I Only Asked For 1

WOW! Just when i started thinking thou hath for saken me....Bam! An amazing weekend with awsome people picks me right back up again. I guess you get exactly what you ask god for. I asked him for just one and he gave me 3. After suffering a hugh emotional blow just days before "i love you day" i was devasted and and angry. Im even positive that it was some kind of miss understanding due to some thing i wrote. What was fiction and creative writing got taking for facts and real events. Pity. I some how manage to not accept but live with the harsh feelings expressed towards me. Dont know how i did, but im proud of myself for maintaining my regal stance against being outright ignorant and weak. It felt like someone i trusted kicked and beat me when i was already down and out. As my heart woud have it, i wanted to act out, set the record straight. But what did i have to prove, or what did i owe? Nothing. This time i followed my head. It was like an epiphany! If you love some one or ever did, you just dont treat or deal with them like that. Simple. Its was all so simple. So after my whirlwind. I turned to people that really did love me and really are my friends... I went to dinner with an amazing guy. He has manage to genuinly love me with my flaws and all. I love him so dearly for that. Its hard enough accepting that I am not a perfect being and its divine when someone else can except that fact about me too and still want to be in my life. So my Valentines day started off with excitement and joy. Thank you! Valentines Day it self was some how still depressing because after work, after a whole day of seeing couples take a romantic trips together, i went home to be alone. I lost count of how many wedding rings i saw on x-ray. Tear drop. When will it be my turn? I digress. So as i get home about 8:15pm. I get undressed and get in bed. Im thinking a little t.v will easy my heavy thoughts. Damn! My satellite dish is messing up again, no t.v. So I turn to my trusty laptop to dilute my thoughts of running over asshole men. Not much luck there. I get a phone call, "hey i got the tickets, are you down to go?" I almost thought of saying no, but something made me say yes. I got showered, quickly got dressed and i was off to an upscale sold out comedy show with some cool headliners. Its so funny, He may not be there when you want him, but he's always on time!!! I loved every minute of it. Even the wack ass after party, it beat being in the house. I even arrived to a long stem red rose. How sweet. Some times it only takes one. One to restore just enough faith in relationships, men, and love to keep me holding on. It took someone who i havent seen in years to pick me up when i most needed it. He didnt even know what he was doing, but thanks. We danced all night to a horrific mix of old skool hip hop, reggae and house. Next to all to pimps and playas, the dons and the divas lol. When we finally had enough of the party we left out to say goodnight and part ways. While i was driving home, for a split second i wondered what was happening at this moment on flatbush, but the thought quickly past. I got home and went straight to sleep with a smile on my face. Jump in and get out was the plan. I Showered, shaved everythang, and put on my makeup. with my legs silky smooth i intended to show them off tonight. I should have known it was gonna be a great night because i wasnt even driving. She did it up in high style. We popped a bottle to set the night off right. We got to the club late. It was early for us but late for the line that went down the block. We waited in the freezing cold as long as we could, but a few transactions later and we were inside and ready to go all in. We spent the whole night partying in the V.I.P area with Assasin and Serani. Vibes was nice, and the drinks was stronge. It was her birthay party but it was my re-introduction to the single life. I looked amazing as did all in my crew. I caught a dub or two, and went home twisted. I had the best weekend ever. I coudnt have seen it coming. A week ago my love life was a mess, mainly because of how i choose to see it and the people i choose to put in substantial positions. Im to blame for that. Over the past week i found much solitude in being silent. I choose to take what was such a negative situation and make it work for me. So far so good. I wont say im 100% out the emotional blue but im really getting there and im trusting God to see me through. My condolences for the loss of your love one, i understand. And my sympathy to undeserving men, you just lost one.

Random Thoughts...

So im sittin here in my room trying not to feel some kind of shame for rocking out to the Jonas brothers and Stevie Wonder on the Grammys, but its not working! Im loving these little boys and the blind man more than i should. lol. Otherwise im ok, now... So i had to wig the F* out at work today. Crazy but i swear this shit was called for. Same asshole sup started in on me about some minor bs. Anywho, he told on me and i aired his little ass out... felt much better afterwards so moving on! So once again im super emotional right now. Katy Perry looks like shes putting on some weight.... yeah so, I wanna cry all the fraking time now. you know why? Because my (.) is almost here.....AGAIN! I swear im like buggin out every 3 weeks. Well not exactly. The symptoms come every 3 weeks like clockwork. Tired, cranky, emotional, bloated, cramps and plain old depressed. This aint no joke. Im seriously considering getting some prescription meds to straighten my nutty ass out. I literally cant cope under these conditons. Not when they're dick heads out there that wont leave my ass alone or simply act right. Its way too much to ask that people dont get on my nerves obviously. So i need to be my own solution...Cant be mad at that honestly....DRUGS! anybody got that? Katy Perrys outfit is so cool! I wonder if they can get that in my size? She's so Alice in Wonderland. OMG! Can Kanye let Estelle get some camera time lol.
Ok. So theres build a bear. Great concept! Now cant we put the idea to something more useful? Build a man!?... I like it! Its up there with no track weaves! Hey Valentines Day is coming up.... No parade this year. Some how the way my love life sits right now, i think i best lower my hopes and expectations. Maybe its the hormones talking but i just dont have the wow factor emotions going. The stars arent lining up right. On second thought...this could work in favor of the man... you see if i have low expectations, anything done or gotten will be magnified. Then again that could back fired....After the initial shock of the action or gift, i may come back to my stush senses and be like "its nice, but WFT?" Anywho... I been thinking. I must examine myself more closely before i analyze or form an irreversible opinion of the men i deal with. Natalie Coles dress is an off the rack mess!!! smfh So in order not to burn relatonships or get into problems that could be avioded if the right footsteps are taken. Im falling back. I already know im an emotional wreck every 3 weeks so i cant depend on a man to handle me with care. Truthfully i feel its alot, unfair to ask of anyone. I believe it would take someone that really loves me to be willing to deal with my ordeals 4 weeks out the month. Buttttt! I cant deny that thats what i want and truely feel i deserve. So heres the compromise! I will not judge or take anything away from a man who cant do that. I however will be committed to myself and cause of not settling. I think it sounds fair, probably should have realized this along time ago. I was too busy chasing shadows. Queen Latifa Looks amazing! MIA: NO THIS BITCH IS NOT 10 MONTHS PREGNANT and proforming Swagga like us!!! Unbelievable...but i understand... baby on the way gotta stack that paper... I just hope the baby dont fall out! Oh yeah! and the outfit is see thru!!! smh... T.Pain looks like Oscar the Grouch. I want some Loubinton pumps so i can put my cape on and stunt on these bitches one mo gin.
I did dinner for 1 last night...Sat night. It wasnt so bad. I didnt do too much. Alittle Rasta pasta... I had on uggs and such, cute. Dont you know had to beat them off with a stick! One fool even hit me with "Ma, I know I know you, whats your name?" really homie? worddd? thats all you got? We in a recession but G is free. I must admit, the shallow attention negated the lonesome meal. Im not a complete loser...I ordered my pasta to go. For all they knew i had a man at home that wanted to keep me in and only allowed me to leave out for our food. Spotlight. last thing on my mind....Ladies, you ever get frazzled when your boo dont call? what exactly does that feeling mean? That was retorical, we all know the answer. I got to wondering why it is that we have pick n choose standards. That is standards that vary based on how much we like the guy. EX: If he's fione... No job, no car, smokes plus I'll wait till he dumps his girl like he said he would. If he's ok... He needs to have a job and dress very well. If he's not the most physically attractive.... He must have a job, car, dresses fly, his own place and his running shoes on because he will still have to chase you down, despite all he has to offer. Our rules apply to some but not all. He dont call, you dont care. He dont call, your thankful. He dont call, your disappointed. He dont call, you call. He dont call, your staking out his house. Some things this one gets away with, you would never put up with from another. If John tried half the things Jason got away with, John would get quickly sent to jail with out passing go or collecting $200. So should you set the bar at an even level for all? Knowing if you did, Jason would mostlikely get cut. Its always the ones you have a soft spot for that make you challenge yourself to do right by yourself. 09, Im gonna do right by me.

You were a Season.

I been thinking about you alot lately. Seems to me i cant define what love is or should feel like with out considering you. I hope your doing well. I wish i wasnt so stubborn. If i was a different woman, i would call you and tell you that i didnt give you all the credit you deserved. I owe you alot of my sanity. Current trying times in love makes it easy for me to see all the good you did. You are the standard for my man. You did more than your fair share. Thank you. You were the best man. I havent felt real, true, pure unadulturated love since we split. I have come close with one from my past, but its not exactly the same. I must say, outside of my issues with your female friends, I trusted you with my life. I would have honestly followed you into hell and back, knowing that with you, i would have never got burned! You did complete me, for the time that was.... I still dont know exactly what happened, the arguements are all a blur to me now. Im starting to think that we had to split because i didnt deserve you or couldnt handle all you had to offer me. Maybe God placed you in my life to fix what had been badly broken by another. But once i was off my crutches he had to take you away. He knew i wasnt quite ready. I still have so many questions. I think he felt the same about you too. You were very in experienced in some areas of life, but an expert and human repair. Once your task was done, you had to move on, but no exit is as smooth as an entry. Thats a wonderful gift. Anywho... Just wanted to say thank you and i miss you much. The drama and questions about love i have now, i didnt have with you. I do still think the break up was for the best, but our time together means the world to me and you should know that. I had a bad dream that you got someone else pregnant...I was so jelous it wasnt me. I wish you all the best and sorry for the drama I started with you at xmas, it was really just a bad joke. I didnt think you would take it so seriously. Just because i fell out of love with you, doesnt mean i wont always love you!

God places people in your life for a reason, season, or a life time.

LOVE ALWAYS
Beautiful~

Facts and Questions

You love me. Is love enough? Can we be just friends?

You have my heart in your hands. I love you. I trust you more than anyone else. I take you into my soul. You have my best interest. Your intent is to care for me the best you can. We came through the wire. I want to be your other half. Your kisses leave traces of love on my lips. I love your hands. You do the best you can. You confide in me. I remember you when im fast asleep. You know me. You think about me and you care for me.

Can we go the distance? I had to come up with a plan that didnt include you. Your not what i thought you would be. If you let yourself go, how can you hold on to me? I have a goal and a destination for my life I intend to meet. How do you fit in and can you get with my program? I can compromise on the minor details, but i cant change who i am. I love you, or is it the old you i love? I know you love me, but do you love me now?

Im having second thoughts. Would you be just my friend? Could you be just my friend. What kind of friend would you be? Bestfriend or Kinda sorta, Ex man type friend? Does friendship reverse or erase the love we share? Would you stand by myside if i needed you to? Would you save me from harm or myself? Could we live with Just friends? Is that even an option?

Just Beautiful and Silence

Im so done with it... im going underground. Im being very nice and its wearing me thin now. Men are stupid, just throw rocks at them. Sometimes a woman needs to know where she stands with a man. Its never smart to rush into things but its not bad to know where you are in this mans mind. This way you can avoid hurting yourself and him by accident or failure to communicate intensions. So last night was a Silent night. The night started off rough but it soon smooth out. What could have been a catastrophy was avioded by open conversation between two souls. (Random thought: I remember what its like to be in love when im with you. To tell the truth i've been a bitch to many that came after you. I feel like im your woman when im with you. I can take off my trousers and let my hair down when im next to you. Your brain is powerfull and i have respect for you, thats why when i get upset i take shit to the next level. Let me know if im wrong for still feeling this stronge, but i can disconnect if your not ready for me to be this into you. Sorry but there no inbetween. Another 8 years and i wont forgive you. This couldnt be healthy for me or for you. I never been much of a health freak so fuck it, im gonna see this through.) A simple question can have mutipul answers all of which i pre-consider. But truth be told you always know which one you hope to hear. Im well aware that your a man and will think like a man. I know your some kinda freak. Of course you want a threesome. I just didnt know you would actually be willing to have one with me. Let me explain... Having a 3way is cool, but you know im an equal opportunist so you said i could have one with you and another guy to be fair. You didnt notice that at no point and time did i say or imply that i would be willing to have one with you. Reason is... Im fine with 3way action, not really interested in it but i get the whole excitment thing behind it. I understand its really a guy thing. Cool. But most men save their wild escapades for their piece, boo, side chick or a random hoe, not their love, she usually off limits. You tripped on me just hours ago about giving away what you felt was yours. So to be clear on what i was hearing, because i was a little puzzled and on my way to upset. I hit you with my purse. It started out as a playful tap but somewhere mid swing it hit me and i was mad at you! The tap turned to a beating sponsered by Louis Vuitton. I had to be clear. "So you can actually be there and stand to watch another man pipe me?" your response.. "Yeah." that was it.... there is no circumstance you can find to make that exceptable to me. I honestly believe that when you love someone, really love that somebody, you could never voluntarily watch somebody else do the intimate things that you use to do with them. Its inhumane to me. I was mad because i could never sit there and see you be that way with Jane Doe. Under no circumstances or regulations would i ever agree to it. I love you too much to have that image tattooed in my memory.... for nothing more than the opportunity to have my turn at a 3way without smite. Selfish? I dont know. Not truely in love with me, or just not in the same way, or not on the same level? I dont know. Either way i feel alone. I felt alone since last night. I realized that im not easy, im complicated, and happy about it. My complicated layers only keep out the unworthy. I take your answer and live with it. Im not mad at you anymore!!! Im a big girl so im fine. You cant take it back or explain it away. You sat Silently only concerned with weather i was mad at you or not. You never stopped to analyze what you said back at the store or the meaning of it. Or maybe you did. I dont know. Either way it was a reality check for me. It was one of those stupid test that stupid people in love do just to find out how in love their partner is with them. The test always tells the truth. You failed. Miserably. Should you have lied... No. Because that would only mask our differences for a limited time. Its better we know more now than later. As to the sex... what you do is your decission and business. I wont ask any questions. Im done with the questions. Last night i also asked you "what about us?" you said its just Beautiful and Silence. What more is there to say.

him, her and ME...

Yo bring some weed! I got a story to tell...

Have you ever been so angry that you feel crackin skulls is in order? Well I felt like that today. Then I just felt hurt. I was hurt because I couldn't do anything, at least not what I felt like doing. Well I could very well do what I wanted to do, which was whoop a bitch ass, but I knew it honestly wasn't worth it. A night in jail possibly, me getting dirty possibly, or a fight going terribly wrong, me killing her possibly. It wasn't worth me making my point, but I felt like I had to because a code was broken. Maybe its just me being old skool when it comes to relationships and friends, but I feel like most of the people I know grew up in the hood, and know some basic street codes. You know what I mean, the code that guide your life, “MOB”, “snitches get stiches”, “don't shit where you eat”. I know it sounds wild crazy but real talk I still follow and respect these street codes. I'm far from ghetto but grew up on these codes and still live by these codes. I'm not saying I'm down for no 187, and drive bys, but I understand. My aunts and uncles showed me the codes are almost the same as morals, they may vary based on different people but some codes are universal, even basic common sense and should not be broken. And if someone breaks a code, its a violation that must be dealt with.

HER...
I couldn't use my words, you know, reason with her, I already tried that. She said fuck you with her actions. So my only options was to take this one on the chin or tap that ass. I never been no sucker, I don't take nothing on the chin. Coming up I was always ready and willing to whoop a bitch ass if I had good reason to. Her violating a code was good reason for me. See I wanted to tap that ass because she put her fat hands in my cookie jar. Don't get it twisted, Its not about the guy. Its the principle of the matter. Code: If you know homegirl is dealing with homeboy, you fall back! Point blank. Especially if you cool with homegirl on any level. To me its a simple respect thing. Look. I frequently visit her crib, ever so often make moves with her, couple times broke bread with her. Now we not best friends or nothing, but I considered us to be a little past acquaintances. I knew her through a good friend, so I in some sense I adopted her as my friend too. (Friend being used loosely for lack of better term) But you can see the relationship picture Im trying to paint. I knew her through her so we all was cool. At least thats what I thought.

HIM...
I had a new male friend. (Friend being used loosely) Truthfully, he was my Jump off. I dealt with him for only one purpose. Grown up talk. He was cool people, we made plans for him to attend an event with me. We arrive, and introductions are made. Everything is gravy till I spy her all over him. Now feel me on this... I walked in with him. It was obvious I was dealing with him, because I never been known to keep male friends. Next thing I see is her in his face, ok with me, its probably friendly chatter. Then it turns into a cat and mouse fiasco. Her following him all over, Hard Body! So me being the woman I am. I approach her and have a brief conversation with her on her interactions with my date. Grown up talk. Of course her story was he hollered at her. I can respect that, yeah he could be a stray dog, me and him don't do deep conversations, but let me deal with him. I intended to when I leave with him. He broke the code too. Code: You don't bag her friends. Simple. Especially not when you both have a mutually beneficial understanding. Grown up talk. Other females outside her circle is fair game, but show some respect. But right them, it was me and her talking. I told her its all good, some men going to lie and cheat, but now you know the truth from me so you can fall back gracefully. You saw me come in with him and I just told you I'm dealing with him. Now wouldn't any decent female be like oh ok, my bad, I didn't know the real deal, and fuck him, let me bag another guy ( A guy that none of my homegirls is sleeping with)!? But NOOOOOO, Loose, desperate, low self esteem, jealous females that only want what another chick got, don't know any better, low class bitches, cant get there own J-O bitches will still talk to a grimy but none the less taken nigga on the low. So-called just talking is still a violation, what you talking to him for? Now tell me why I shouldn't whoop that tricks ass?
I'll tell you why...

ME...
I'm better than the both of them. I deserve better than the both of them. I'm everything she is not. I have class, morals, I respect the code and I got the looks, brains and swagger to get my fucking own! I'm definitely the best kind of female to acquire as a friend. I'm grown with not much time for children games. I'm honest, loyal to a fault, and I ride or die friends my real friends. So they can have each other. She can have whats left of him. He's a well dressed buster, with no dough to his name. To tell the Gods honest truth... the sex wasn't even all that. I don't know if my goodies is just that good or is he just young and wack. 2 strokes and he's down and out. He gets it right back, 4 more strokes and he's down for the count. I must got that Nyquil kinda stuff. (Lol.) A big dick with no talent gets zip. So thats the 411 on the nigga she won since shes such a fucking go getta! Grown up talk. Go Figure...Thats what I get for going against my my own promise just to feed my sexual appetite. I told myself some time ago that it was over. No more temporary lovers or ordinary brothers. I wanted to save myself, my time, efforts and energy for something real. Someone deserving of someone like me. And I went against my own promise and look what happened. In a moment of physical weakness I got caught up with an attractive young man who can barely speak English. (WTF) But as I was leaving my job with intentions of paying her a cold visit. I had time to think. Plus I had an unexpected encounter with a nice young man. He was my new friend. This time I move much different. Me and him are just friends with no sexual tension or motives. At least on my part, and if he's not genuine which only time will tell, I'll find out because I intend on keeping that promise I made to myself. So I learned once again, that God works in mysterious ways. By the time I hit the highway, I was thankful for my moment of clarity, and I was praying for her and him while driving home. I didn't wish ill on them, I only prayed that they both get what they deserved. It was out of my hands. I also had a new outlook on the disrespect I had just faced. I found out the hard way what she thought of her relationship with me, it simply wasn't worth her backing off one attractive man. Thats pitiful on her behalf, but to me it was a real eye opener. I'm too something..friendly, nice, trusting or what? Because I was in real shock that a young lady her age and thinking she was certain type of person, really just off her face value, would play games like that. I've always been pleasant with her, so why would she be sleezy like that to me? Any who, birds cant hide there feathers for too long. Everything happens for a reason. Lessons and blessing come in the same package. Life's a Bitch, Karma's a Mother*, and God has a sense of humor. You should be careful of the seeds you sew. Had I been an ignorant female and fought for him, not taking heed to the message hidden behind my hurt and anger. I could have regretted that. Grown up talk. She could have just taking death, stds and AIDS off my hands. Those things often do come to low class, loose, desperate black woman that like dealing with other womens man.
Peace be still...
PS: I broke a CODE too...You never bring your man( or man you dealing with) around your female friends. Simple. Especially when you don't know her like that! Follow the codes and avoid a possible problem.

Parolee

Parolee:
True Love never dies. Thats one life lesson i learned the old fashion way. After so many years i thought you forgot all about me. Who knew that you would still be thinking of 15 year old me. So after 9 years we meet again. Did you know that you were my first true love. My first everything. Its funny because my family said you was too old for me and that you would only use me. I still cant say weather they were right or wrong. We disconnected in 1999. You found me through myspace in dec2007. It was a sensitive time in my life. 4 months out of a 2 year relationship. My heart was broken. You took me to your families new years eve party. I loved reminicing on old times with you! The love we had was some how still there... It blew my mind that you had not changed one bit. Still silly, stil loving and soo fucking real. Your personality was a mirrored image of mine. so strong and determined. conversation was exciting with you. something i havent felt in a long time. you stimulated my mind! And that state time did your body so right... Damn! We kissed. You told me i was the one, your wife, but you needed time to get shit right. I believed you. You told me you had a 5 year old son. I said thats not exactly how i pictured our family but i woud be honored to be your childs stepmom. Things got serious and really fast. Soon I felt us spinning out of controll. feelings grew so fast because of our history but were adults now. You left me for jail and i tured in to a women. I guess 2008 was the closure we both needed. I know today is my babys off day, and i missed my flight to London this morning so Flatbush Ave here i come. I said go down stairs baby, i left a package for you. You stepped out of you apartment and i yelled Surprise!!! You thought i was in London when i called but i missed my flight so now i can spend the day with my baby. You kissed me and said sorry but i gotta go to work now. I said well i still want to give you your package so lets go inside for a quick minute. you said nooo. Im running late and gotta go right now. you started down the steps but i noticed that when you came out you didnt slam shut your door so i went inside.... Damn baby i didnt think we would end like this. I said who the fuck are you? she said my name is Keisha. I said Ex girl Keisha? She said yea and who are you. I cant breath and I cant afford a case right now. With keisha sitting on your bed folding her underclothes...Keisha and I had a short but crucial chat . But the audacity of this nigga, I should crack his head wide open. I still cant breath. I left your apartment. I cant fucking breath. You chased me down the street. I jump in my car ready to peal off and you jump in my back seat and rufused to get out the car...GET THE FUCK OUT MY CAR!! i cant cry anymore. im not cut out for this shit! you said its not what it looks like so i LOL cause i heard that same story from another man b4. You said Tatiana just listen....

Im so over you!

Im not even madd about it anymore. I wish you well. As a matter of fact i would still hold you down if you needed me to because thats just who i am, and i respect what we had. Im not capable of keeping a grudge for too long. You know that, but dont get it twisted, i dont forget. You embarassed me, you made private matters public. I use to wake up with you on my mind, now i cant remember what the fight was about. Your whole exsistance is trivial. Your actions go unnoticed. Not that i dont see them, they just dont move me. The band wagon you been on is now getting old and weak. Your friends arent in your soul, because you know in your soul their not your friends. I know you want me back and your sad that we dont even speak. I know you so well i can see the truth in your eyes, so you may wanna stop stairing at me. You never really been good at hiding your emotions. Over the last few years i learned to see behind your smile. But that dont mean nothing. I digress. I finally erased all your old voice mails. I have come to the point where hearing your voice doesnt sooth me anymore. Old pictures are just that, old. The things you left behind, I gave you 30 days. its goodwills property now. Im so over you, even the jewlery you bought me is just something sparkly now. I appreciate you spending time in my life. The days were wonderful and the nights were unforgetable. God dont make no mistakes! I heard you got a new girlfriend, but shes not nearly as captivating as me. You can pay for school but you cant buy Class. You never been the type of nigga to rock the canal st. knock offs so dont start with an immitation hood version of Beautiful me.
My swaggers on a hundred thousand million....You should try to forget about me and move on because im so over you!