End of Silence

Its amazing how a man can just shit on you then move on with the rest of his life. I knew taurus people were motherfuckas but damn. This one threw me for a loop. But now im here with thoughts of my own. Violence and distruction flow through my mind. Its my pride thats hurt, not the fact that he left. I left him before, he was nothing to stress. But for him to do it to me. I feel like Denzel in Training Day...."Do you know who i am!!!?" I think this might have been his plan all along and a brillant one of revenge at that. Its devious enough for me to like and respect it. It still burns like VD! Im fucking stunning, and a wonderful catch. You dont dismiss me like that. If it wasnt for the fact that i love the lord and i cant risk ruining my life for revenge on a stinking nerd. Oh the damage i would do. Im not talking about wrecking a nigga car but fucking up a pathetic losers life. Im great at pushing buttons, but I on the daily choose to let it go and not tke it to that. I do have better things to tend to, but i'd be lying if i didnt acknowledge the urge to respond to such disreguard for my feelings. The only other option I have to console this inner fire is Silence. Silence speaks volumes. When i think about it, i really suffered no loss. I honestly didnt see a future i was content with and I was forcing myself to relive a memory. Over time my standards have grown, 4 eyed, ex-con, dead beat daddy, unemployed, homeless, bummy, snagga tooth and magga doesn't quite make me hear wedding bells. So with the solice of knowing much time wasnt wasted and many new opportunities have arrising with the closing of that door, i move on. That could have been an epic failure. Exhale! There's been one thing i've been dying to do....It woud be so insulting it might insight suicide. I dont want some loser blood on my hands, so i'll just leave it at BOOTY! :-)

San Antonio

If i woke up in the morning and you were gone, i'd hate you!

98' You got stressed and went underground. 8 years. No word, no kite! If you did it again, i promise i will forget you so fast. There will but no turning back. Not easy to do but missions motivated by pain work. You cant steal my sanity twice. That would be so fucked up, and i cant let that happen. I was young back then. A few years to get right, i had the time to spare. So i forgave you. Im not old, but i have no time to waste. You can say im quite seasoned for a 25 year old. Theres even a hint of bitter left in my mouth. I wont waste time knocking down something like the Berlin wall just to have you up and go else where. I believe in self preservation, physical and mental survival. I know its hell out here, but word? Thought being on crack was like a short trip to heaven. I know sometimes a man has got to do what he must, but if you think for one second i wont show out, your wrong. Then again, i've seen your back before so why should i cry? Maybe because im actually trying to put my faith in you. It's shit like this that keeps me unbalanced. Cant lie and say i dont think about giving up, but i also believe things worth having are worth fighting for. I dont know what to do but a disapearing act is not you healthiest chioce. Nevermind the threats. I guess what im trying to say is if you were to go.... it wont kill me literally, but emotionally, thats close enough.

him, her and ME...

Yo bring some weed! I got a story to tell...

Have you ever been so angry that you feel crackin skulls is in order? Well I felt like that today. Then I just felt hurt. I was hurt because I couldn't do anything, at least not what I felt like doing. Well I could very well do what I wanted to do, which was whoop a bitch ass, but I knew it honestly wasn't worth it. A night in jail possibly, me getting dirty possibly, or a fight going terribly wrong, me killing her possibly. It wasn't worth me making my point, but I felt like I had to because a code was broken. Maybe its just me being old skool when it comes to relationships and friends, but I feel like most of the people I know grew up in the hood, and know some basic street codes. You know what I mean, the code that guide your life, “MOB”, “snitches get stiches”, “don't shit where you eat”. I know it sounds wild crazy but real talk I still follow and respect these street codes. I'm far from ghetto but grew up on these codes and still live by these codes. I'm not saying I'm down for no 187, and drive bys, but I understand. My aunts and uncles showed me the codes are almost the same as morals, they may vary based on different people but some codes are universal, even basic common sense and should not be broken. And if someone breaks a code, its a violation that must be dealt with.

HER...
I couldn't use my words, you know, reason with her, I already tried that. She said fuck you with her actions. So my only options was to take this one on the chin or tap that ass. I never been no sucker, I don't take nothing on the chin. Coming up I was always ready and willing to whoop a bitch ass if I had good reason to. Her violating a code was good reason for me. See I wanted to tap that ass because she put her fat hands in my cookie jar. Don't get it twisted, Its not about the guy. Its the principle of the matter. Code: If you know homegirl is dealing with homeboy, you fall back! Point blank. Especially if you cool with homegirl on any level. To me its a simple respect thing. Look. I frequently visit her crib, ever so often make moves with her, couple times broke bread with her. Now we not best friends or nothing, but I considered us to be a little past acquaintances. I knew her through a good friend, so I in some sense I adopted her as my friend too. (Friend being used loosely for lack of better term) But you can see the relationship picture Im trying to paint. I knew her through her so we all was cool. At least thats what I thought.

HIM...
I had a new male friend. (Friend being used loosely) Truthfully, he was my Jump off. I dealt with him for only one purpose. Grown up talk. He was cool people, we made plans for him to attend an event with me. We arrive, and introductions are made. Everything is gravy till I spy her all over him. Now feel me on this... I walked in with him. It was obvious I was dealing with him, because I never been known to keep male friends. Next thing I see is her in his face, ok with me, its probably friendly chatter. Then it turns into a cat and mouse fiasco. Her following him all over, Hard Body! So me being the woman I am. I approach her and have a brief conversation with her on her interactions with my date. Grown up talk. Of course her story was he hollered at her. I can respect that, yeah he could be a stray dog, me and him don't do deep conversations, but let me deal with him. I intended to when I leave with him. He broke the code too. Code: You don't bag her friends. Simple. Especially not when you both have a mutually beneficial understanding. Grown up talk. Other females outside her circle is fair game, but show some respect. But right them, it was me and her talking. I told her its all good, some men going to lie and cheat, but now you know the truth from me so you can fall back gracefully. You saw me come in with him and I just told you I'm dealing with him. Now wouldn't any decent female be like oh ok, my bad, I didn't know the real deal, and fuck him, let me bag another guy ( A guy that none of my homegirls is sleeping with)!? But NOOOOOO, Loose, desperate, low self esteem, jealous females that only want what another chick got, don't know any better, low class bitches, cant get there own J-O bitches will still talk to a grimy but none the less taken nigga on the low. So-called just talking is still a violation, what you talking to him for? Now tell me why I shouldn't whoop that tricks ass?
I'll tell you why...

ME...
I'm better than the both of them. I deserve better than the both of them. I'm everything she is not. I have class, morals, I respect the code and I got the looks, brains and swagger to get my fucking own! I'm definitely the best kind of female to acquire as a friend. I'm grown with not much time for children games. I'm honest, loyal to a fault, and I ride or die friends my real friends. So they can have each other. She can have whats left of him. He's a well dressed buster, with no dough to his name. To tell the Gods honest truth... the sex wasn't even all that. I don't know if my goodies is just that good or is he just young and wack. 2 strokes and he's down and out. He gets it right back, 4 more strokes and he's down for the count. I must got that Nyquil kinda stuff. (Lol.) A big dick with no talent gets zip. So thats the 411 on the nigga she won since shes such a fucking go getta! Grown up talk. Go Figure...Thats what I get for going against my my own promise just to feed my sexual appetite. I told myself some time ago that it was over. No more temporary lovers or ordinary brothers. I wanted to save myself, my time, efforts and energy for something real. Someone deserving of someone like me. And I went against my own promise and look what happened. In a moment of physical weakness I got caught up with an attractive young man who can barely speak English. (WTF) But as I was leaving my job with intentions of paying her a cold visit. I had time to think. Plus I had an unexpected encounter with a nice young man. He was my new friend. This time I move much different. Me and him are just friends with no sexual tension or motives. At least on my part, and if he's not genuine which only time will tell, I'll find out because I intend on keeping that promise I made to myself. So I learned once again, that God works in mysterious ways. By the time I hit the highway, I was thankful for my moment of clarity, and I was praying for her and him while driving home. I didn't wish ill on them, I only prayed that they both get what they deserved. It was out of my hands. I also had a new outlook on the disrespect I had just faced. I found out the hard way what she thought of her relationship with me, it simply wasn't worth her backing off one attractive man. Thats pitiful on her behalf, but to me it was a real eye opener. I'm too something..friendly, nice, trusting or what? Because I was in real shock that a young lady her age and thinking she was certain type of person, really just off her face value, would play games like that. I've always been pleasant with her, so why would she be sleezy like that to me? Any who, birds cant hide there feathers for too long. Everything happens for a reason. Lessons and blessing come in the same package. Life's a Bitch, Karma's a Mother*, and God has a sense of humor. You should be careful of the seeds you sew. Had I been an ignorant female and fought for him, not taking heed to the message hidden behind my hurt and anger. I could have regretted that. Grown up talk. She could have just taking death, stds and AIDS off my hands. Those things often do come to low class, loose, desperate black woman that like dealing with other womens man.
Peace be still...
PS: I broke a CODE too...You never bring your man( or man you dealing with) around your female friends. Simple. Especially when you don't know her like that! Follow the codes and avoid a possible problem.

Crazy in Love

I told you from the start i was crazy. You should have listened to me. Is that blood?
So Jazmine Sullivan has a new song called i "Bust Your Windows". This song is about 4 years late but it reminds me of a point in my life that i hope to never visit again. I was the girl in the song.
His name was Marc. Before him i only had boyfriends. Marc was a Man, the first man in my life. I was in love with him. He was one of those loves. You know the ones that you know will be the death of you, but you cant picture tomorrow with out that someone in your life. Now i dont condone violence and i advise young men and women in an abusive relationship to take heed to the signs and get out now. Dont wait till the end like i did. I met Marc when i was 17, working at the old Sam Goody record store that used to be on west 8th street. I spotted him from the door. Tall, dark, handsome, and bald. He was slim, but not at all skinny. I liked his swag, cool, calm and charming, grown but his jeans has a slight sag. He had a sexy body and a beautiful smile. We exchanged numbers, and began talking.
Now im not going way into the history of us but im giving you some background to explain my state of mind on that fateful night...
For 4 long years we were going strong, we had our ups and downs but we held on tight. I remember this one time i found a pack of maxi pads in the guestroom of his house. He tried to tell me they belonged to his sister from her last visit. That was obviously a lie to me because she hadnt visited in a long while and i practically lived with him. I mean i woke up at his house went to work and came home to his house daily. I only went to my house for a change of clothes about twice a week so i think i would know if your sister from Maryland was staying with him. Plus...Always Maxi pads are constantly changing the advertisements on their package and this package had a very recent ad on it. I flipped out! My main gripe was that he would bring another women home were we stay! Honey you dont shit where you eat! I ran out the front door, i told him that was the last straw, you cant just play around with me because im young. Marc was 11 years my senior, but you couldnt tell he was a day over 25. I should have known he was trouble from the time i saw his drivers license and i did the math. He lied about he's age when we first met but by the time i found out i didnt care. I really liked him. Im not stupid Marc! I yelled as i went out the front door crying. He stood there bouncing a basketball like i didnt exsist and none of this was happening. I got about 2 houses down from his. I cant breath, I grasped my chest, it tightened. I cant breath, how could he do this to me? I supported his ass when his family wouldnt. I stayed up and waited for him to come home from the "studio". I had his back when he quit his job with the board of ed to go on tour and open shows for other big artist. I bought the socks and underwear to pack. But his brother/CEO screw him and the tour never happened, but i was there and held us down. He held me down hard when i was unemployed and living the broke life on campus. He made sure i had money in my pocket, and he introduce me to culture in the city. I loved him for that. I also loved the fact the his family was from the same island as mine. We shared a Barbadian background. He had views and unique ways of looking at everything, i loved conversing with him. It was always food for thought. And when my house was killing me with nonsense, he was my escape, and i must admit he was very talented, on stage and in the bedroom. We alway made love and never just sex. I cant breath without him. I turned around to go back and he there he was. Coming down the side walk to get me. He did care. We embraced each other there on the side walk and that was the end of that discussion.
Boy did i love Marc. In hindsight I think its safe to say i loved him more than he loved me. He was my life. Work, Marc, sleep with Marc, hang with my girlfriends, go home to Marc. Maybe thats what was wrong but he never complained. We would purposely disconnect for days, just to not get tired of each other, and i never was the type to stop him from hanging out with his boys. I would iron his clothes on a saturday night and give him $20 singles because they were going to sin city. I didnt sweat it as long as he brough it home to me. I even put on my own shows. I made sacrifices for that man, sacrifices that only a woman could make. He told me that when your in a relationship you dont have male friends, so i didnt.
He needed a job. I made appointments and he missed them. I looked online for jobs on my lunch break. My manager calls me into his office now. Tatiana are you unhappy here? I said no, why? Well its kind of not good to see employees doing job searches at work. Oh my God im sorry, i didnt realize how this looked. I was looking for job, but not for me, for my man. He's unemployed and not that good on the computer so i was just trying to help. My boss said OK, i understand Tatiana, just dont do it anymore. So i made more appointments and gave him transportation and pocket money. He over slept. I went online and fill out the application for TSA. I do all the corresponding and send him on this appointment. He got the job.
4 years into it and things are not going well. I honestly knew i should have left him some where around the 2 year mark but our physical chemistry was explosive. That was our crack, and you dont leave your dealer. I ignored all of the signs. I used the rationale its break ups to make ups. On and off and so on. So we decided to take a break and take this time to clear our minds and see if this can really work. One second he's like i could marry you, the next he's a stranger. I cant remember what our actual problem was, but i do distinctly remember losing respect for him as a man during the later part of the relationship and that can definately manifest itself in attitude which i had alot of. The man that was once so ambitous and atractive to me was gone. He had quit a good job that he couldnt get back. He was living on the first floor of his familys house and no longer able to pay rent, so eventually it turned into just mooching off momma, and the chiseled body i fell in love with was looking alittle frail, but i still loved this man. I carried him in my soul. So we separted but continued to see each other. It wasnt an open relationship or atleast thats what i thought.
That fateful night....
Things havent been this good in a while. Last night was just so pleasant and romantic. I could tell that he missed me by the way he held on to me and didnt let go. I couldnt even change positions when we were sleeping because every time i moved an inch away he would wake up and reach out for me. I understood that, i never could sleep without some part of me barely touching him. I needed to know he was there and feel his warmth. Its just nice to see him show so much feeling like that. He was never really good at being outwardly emotional. I think i'll see him again tonight. It was friday night and I went out to a lounge with my homegirl and her friend. At about 3am i was driving them home and decided to ask Marc to come with me since I had to pass his house on the way. I pull up to his house and call his phone. Ring. Ring. Ring. no answer. I dont think he was going out tonight, he would have told me. I called again. Still no answer. I guess he probably went out. Wait, let me ring the bell. No answer. Damn i must have really worn him out this morning because he never goes to sleep this early on a weekend. That reverse cowgirl is a bitch. I'll just go knock on his bedroom window. Its too late for me to be driving back to Brooklyn alone and i really want to see my baby. Well i see the Tv is still on and he cant sleep with it on for nothing so he must be up. I knock on the window a little hard. There he goes! So i go back to the front door. He opens the door in basketball shorts no shirt, just sexy. Hey baby (kiss), I know your sleepy but come take a quick ride to queens with me to drop Chloe home and i'll spend tonight with you. Let me get your shirt because your out of it and moving real slow. As i began to walk pass him, i froze. I know its dark but i know i just saw a body sit up in his bed. (You see his house is tunnel style, you can see straight through the house from the front door. ) Its late, i been drinking. my mind playing tricks on me. I start pass him agian. He grabs me back. He said Tatiana......I said is that a girl in your bed? because now the figure in the dark has gotten up and proceeded to pick up what looks like clothes off the floor. Marc said theres someone here Tatiana. I Still in a freeze frame state, said WHAT! Nigga Is you Crazy? Let me pass! Everything at this point is in slow motion. I screamed BITCH IM GON KILL YOU! JUST FUCKING WAIT. IM GONNA FUCK YOU UP! MARC PUT ME DOWN. He picked me up and held me in the air as his living room lights came on and his family downstairs. LET ME GO! HOW FUCKIN COULD YOU!? I kicked, yelled and screamed as i watch his brother rush the girl out the side door and I assume into her car because she disapeared fast. His mother yelled im calling the police. He finally put me down. I began to fight him. Slapping and beating his chest crying hysterically. How could you Marc? I was here just last night, we made love this morning and now her? I was dazed and baffled. A serge of pain flowed rapidly through my body. I was dizzy, and fellin feverish. I couldnt control what i did next, It wasnt my fault, and i still feel it was deserved. With his family standing there watching I yelled how long Marc and dont lie to me! He said about 1 year, as he shamelessly posted up there on the wall. It hurt me even more to know we have only been broken up for 1 month. Whats her name? I said who is she? He replied a girl i know from work. You mean the job that i busted my ass to get you? His mother then interjected and told me to calm down Tatiana these things happen....I almost fainted. I looked at the woman i had bonded with for 4 years and told her if that was acceptable in her marriage it wasnt in my relationship. She told me to get out of her house. I said not before i get some answers. she said where the hell are the cops? I told her to go fuckin call them again! I look at Marc with that dumb indifferent look on his face and blacked out.
I saw red and blue lights. I could hear the sirens. I could see the blood. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I got in my car and drove away.
I didnt know that i had that much strength , but im glad you see what happens when...You see you just cant play with peoples feelings, tell them you love them and dont mean it.
On the flip side... i know it was Marc that caused my pain, and he got dealt with, but you dont sleep with a man for a year and not realized he has a woman. I cant over look that bitch. The next day i I applied to TSA.
Beautiful Memoirs...Crazy in Love