My Scene

Do you ever daydream, create romantic scenes in your mind? Ponder the what ifs and fantasize about what your life could be if you only did this or choose to do that. Maybe you should have stayed, left sooner or never started at all. Some times i wish i was the girl in the movie.

Sence from the end of "Diary of a Mad Black Women"

Orlando: What are you doing here Helen?

Helen: I gave it all up, I just want you. I just want you. Ask me again. Ask me again, i love you!

Orlando: Now how do you know that Helen?

Helen: I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than i pray for myself, and if your away for more than an hour, i cant stop thinking about you. And your smile, when you smile my world is all bright. Ask me again. I love you. Ask me agian.

Orlando: Will you marry me?

Helen: Yes Yes Yes!!!

Orlando: This woman right here wants to marry me yall, she wants to marry me!!!

The crowd claps, the choir sings.... They live happily ever after. The End.

Some people say "I dont know what to say" or "I cant put it into words" when you ask them why they love someone or what is it they're in love with. But movies always seem to say the most perfect words at the right moment. Ofcoures its because the whole thing is staged, but dont you sometimes wish your life came with a guranteed happy ending? Or atleast let you have a couple of made for cinema moments?! Moments where you shine brighter than any star, where your the envy of the world, and where you enjoy pure perfection even just for a moment. I cant wait for my next "to good to be true moment".

Random Thoughts...

So im sittin here in my room trying not to feel some kind of shame for rocking out to the Jonas brothers and Stevie Wonder on the Grammys, but its not working! Im loving these little boys and the blind man more than i should. lol. Otherwise im ok, now... So i had to wig the F* out at work today. Crazy but i swear this shit was called for. Same asshole sup started in on me about some minor bs. Anywho, he told on me and i aired his little ass out... felt much better afterwards so moving on! So once again im super emotional right now. Katy Perry looks like shes putting on some weight.... yeah so, I wanna cry all the fraking time now. you know why? Because my (.) is almost here.....AGAIN! I swear im like buggin out every 3 weeks. Well not exactly. The symptoms come every 3 weeks like clockwork. Tired, cranky, emotional, bloated, cramps and plain old depressed. This aint no joke. Im seriously considering getting some prescription meds to straighten my nutty ass out. I literally cant cope under these conditons. Not when they're dick heads out there that wont leave my ass alone or simply act right. Its way too much to ask that people dont get on my nerves obviously. So i need to be my own solution...Cant be mad at that honestly....DRUGS! anybody got that? Katy Perrys outfit is so cool! I wonder if they can get that in my size? She's so Alice in Wonderland. OMG! Can Kanye let Estelle get some camera time lol.
Ok. So theres build a bear. Great concept! Now cant we put the idea to something more useful? Build a man!?... I like it! Its up there with no track weaves! Hey Valentines Day is coming up.... No parade this year. Some how the way my love life sits right now, i think i best lower my hopes and expectations. Maybe its the hormones talking but i just dont have the wow factor emotions going. The stars arent lining up right. On second thought...this could work in favor of the man... you see if i have low expectations, anything done or gotten will be magnified. Then again that could back fired....After the initial shock of the action or gift, i may come back to my stush senses and be like "its nice, but WFT?" Anywho... I been thinking. I must examine myself more closely before i analyze or form an irreversible opinion of the men i deal with. Natalie Coles dress is an off the rack mess!!! smfh So in order not to burn relatonships or get into problems that could be avioded if the right footsteps are taken. Im falling back. I already know im an emotional wreck every 3 weeks so i cant depend on a man to handle me with care. Truthfully i feel its alot, unfair to ask of anyone. I believe it would take someone that really loves me to be willing to deal with my ordeals 4 weeks out the month. Buttttt! I cant deny that thats what i want and truely feel i deserve. So heres the compromise! I will not judge or take anything away from a man who cant do that. I however will be committed to myself and cause of not settling. I think it sounds fair, probably should have realized this along time ago. I was too busy chasing shadows. Queen Latifa Looks amazing! MIA: NO THIS BITCH IS NOT 10 MONTHS PREGNANT and proforming Swagga like us!!! Unbelievable...but i understand... baby on the way gotta stack that paper... I just hope the baby dont fall out! Oh yeah! and the outfit is see thru!!! smh... T.Pain looks like Oscar the Grouch. I want some Loubinton pumps so i can put my cape on and stunt on these bitches one mo gin.
I did dinner for 1 last night...Sat night. It wasnt so bad. I didnt do too much. Alittle Rasta pasta... I had on uggs and such, cute. Dont you know had to beat them off with a stick! One fool even hit me with "Ma, I know I know you, whats your name?" really homie? worddd? thats all you got? We in a recession but G is free. I must admit, the shallow attention negated the lonesome meal. Im not a complete loser...I ordered my pasta to go. For all they knew i had a man at home that wanted to keep me in and only allowed me to leave out for our food. Spotlight. last thing on my mind....Ladies, you ever get frazzled when your boo dont call? what exactly does that feeling mean? That was retorical, we all know the answer. I got to wondering why it is that we have pick n choose standards. That is standards that vary based on how much we like the guy. EX: If he's fione... No job, no car, smokes plus I'll wait till he dumps his girl like he said he would. If he's ok... He needs to have a job and dress very well. If he's not the most physically attractive.... He must have a job, car, dresses fly, his own place and his running shoes on because he will still have to chase you down, despite all he has to offer. Our rules apply to some but not all. He dont call, you dont care. He dont call, your thankful. He dont call, your disappointed. He dont call, you call. He dont call, your staking out his house. Some things this one gets away with, you would never put up with from another. If John tried half the things Jason got away with, John would get quickly sent to jail with out passing go or collecting $200. So should you set the bar at an even level for all? Knowing if you did, Jason would mostlikely get cut. Its always the ones you have a soft spot for that make you challenge yourself to do right by yourself. 09, Im gonna do right by me.

San Antonio

If i woke up in the morning and you were gone, i'd hate you!

98' You got stressed and went underground. 8 years. No word, no kite! If you did it again, i promise i will forget you so fast. There will but no turning back. Not easy to do but missions motivated by pain work. You cant steal my sanity twice. That would be so fucked up, and i cant let that happen. I was young back then. A few years to get right, i had the time to spare. So i forgave you. Im not old, but i have no time to waste. You can say im quite seasoned for a 25 year old. Theres even a hint of bitter left in my mouth. I wont waste time knocking down something like the Berlin wall just to have you up and go else where. I believe in self preservation, physical and mental survival. I know its hell out here, but word? Thought being on crack was like a short trip to heaven. I know sometimes a man has got to do what he must, but if you think for one second i wont show out, your wrong. Then again, i've seen your back before so why should i cry? Maybe because im actually trying to put my faith in you. It's shit like this that keeps me unbalanced. Cant lie and say i dont think about giving up, but i also believe things worth having are worth fighting for. I dont know what to do but a disapearing act is not you healthiest chioce. Nevermind the threats. I guess what im trying to say is if you were to go.... it wont kill me literally, but emotionally, thats close enough.

Facts and Questions

You love me. Is love enough? Can we be just friends?

You have my heart in your hands. I love you. I trust you more than anyone else. I take you into my soul. You have my best interest. Your intent is to care for me the best you can. We came through the wire. I want to be your other half. Your kisses leave traces of love on my lips. I love your hands. You do the best you can. You confide in me. I remember you when im fast asleep. You know me. You think about me and you care for me.

Can we go the distance? I had to come up with a plan that didnt include you. Your not what i thought you would be. If you let yourself go, how can you hold on to me? I have a goal and a destination for my life I intend to meet. How do you fit in and can you get with my program? I can compromise on the minor details, but i cant change who i am. I love you, or is it the old you i love? I know you love me, but do you love me now?

Im having second thoughts. Would you be just my friend? Could you be just my friend. What kind of friend would you be? Bestfriend or Kinda sorta, Ex man type friend? Does friendship reverse or erase the love we share? Would you stand by myside if i needed you to? Would you save me from harm or myself? Could we live with Just friends? Is that even an option?

One.

Im feeling so disappointed right now. Or just some kinda way. I just need one person in my life that i can believe in, count on, love and trust. Just one. I have family that gives me so much love, but is it really impossible to find one stranger in ths world that you can share your world with? Homicide is high, divorce is high, world poverty and crime is high. I plan on traveling the world at some point and hopefully sooner than later. I want to see the art, the old cities, and wittness history, but in my travels Im mostly excited to meet new people, not just new people but different people. I want to know more than just people with that New York state of mind. Im from a different place. In Barbados, its customary for you to greet a stranger. If you can make eye contact, you can say hello. I love that. Going back home is a bit of fresh air for me. I like the kind faces and the humble breezes. The sun shines on the poor like is does on the rich. The rain simply washes away your sin and you can see the world end at the feet of the distant ocean. I need to meet just one. Im not cut out for the ordinary. I need the extrodinary. I have to keep hope alive because if i dont then all hope is lost and i'll be unhappy forever. I like people and i love family. I enjoy talking with old, because they have so much wisdom to offer. Mr. Went was super old, and a little cooky but he made his point. "Its good to have friends, but not fri-ends!" I wanted to laugh when he told me this, but i was young. Now i still laugh at it but i now understand what he meant. I would like just one. One that can give me all that i will give them. I can act cold and ignorant, but i get tired of been like that. I wasnt raised in Brooklyn, I never lived in the Projects. I never had food stamps and my family never recieved public assistance. The men in my family tote guns, but their law enforcement. My whole family lived with in one block. I was raised in a 2 parent home. No one ever went to jail or even got arrested. We had one big family, and shared one big love. I lived a shelter life under my parents supervision. So naturally im a Dolphin. And im proud of it. Im not better than anyone im not cut from very fine cloth. I would like just one. One true friend, one true love, one successful career and one family of my own so i can enjoy my one life. Is that to much to ask? I must say, My mother was right. Im mixing with too much common ghetto trash at my current job and its begining to wear on my personality and spirit. I wish to surround myself with blooming open minds. I can honestly say without a pinch of arrogance that there is absolutely nothing positive anyone at my job can teach me about life, except about how not to trust or be to kind to people. Thats very sad. When theres no more to learn, its time to move on. Im no saint, so im nobodys fool. My kindness is far from weakness. I just know when people arrent worth the fight. I really dont see it as being used or played, i see it as God allowing me to be the one to help you at that moment in time. And the favor will be returned in this life or the next. There so much more i can say or feelings i could express, but it all comes down to one. I need just one. Just one to keep my faith in the goodness of people alive.

Clean Slate

So im turning a new leaf. Cleaning closet so to speak. Theres some things i got to get off my chest. Some feelings i need to put to rest.


Im through entertain the thought of loving you. You have a wifey. She's not nearly as beautiful as me but some how I know she suits you and I have to live with that. The last time we were together will be the last time. Because truth of the matter is...I cant take being that close to you and not having all of you. Knowing you want me as bad as you do but you made your bed, and it only fits two. Sneaking around, late night creeps, our chance at love past too long ago to be regained. I cant be your love on the side, I have to carry on with my life. You know how territorial taurus can get. Just please show my request some respect. Friends is all we can be. No benefits, just laughs and old times. I will forget that we ever crossed that little red line.

I really do love you...but im not in love with you. I think maybe one day i might could be, but i cant force my life in a direction thats not truely meant for me. You really dont now how much i care about you. I would spend every free moment with you. It wouldnt be fair to you though. I know you cant be around me that much and not grow too attached. Your an awsome sexy man and you should know that I think your a catch. Sounds corny, but I think i'll just let things be. Plus the scars are too many to overlook. Forgiving but not forgot. Im so happy that were as close as we are. I thought us was over. This thing we got going on right now means the world to me. I love you so much. I think you have a life long friend in me.

You are an emotional rollercoaster. I honestly dont know what im gonna do with you. I day dream of marriage, babies and constant arguements with you. Its not all bad. I kind of like it. Thats is how i know im crazy in love with you. When I can look forward to the bad times just as much as the good times, it only reassures me that we can make it through. I love your mind, and i also have an advanced understanding of it. Thats a little scary too. I know you cant help but pull a fast one every now and then. I have a bad temper. I dont know if i can maintain unders those kind of circumstances. Knowing these things going in, makes me think if im stupid or a glutton for punishment? I dont know, but your like crack cocaine and i cant kick this 8 year addiction. I told you what I felt. You know what I need. Im over what happened before.


This is where I stand with you 3....I love you all but the book is about me. Consider my slate clean!

Just Beautiful and Silence

Im so done with it... im going underground. Im being very nice and its wearing me thin now. Men are stupid, just throw rocks at them. Sometimes a woman needs to know where she stands with a man. Its never smart to rush into things but its not bad to know where you are in this mans mind. This way you can avoid hurting yourself and him by accident or failure to communicate intensions. So last night was a Silent night. The night started off rough but it soon smooth out. What could have been a catastrophy was avioded by open conversation between two souls. (Random thought: I remember what its like to be in love when im with you. To tell the truth i've been a bitch to many that came after you. I feel like im your woman when im with you. I can take off my trousers and let my hair down when im next to you. Your brain is powerfull and i have respect for you, thats why when i get upset i take shit to the next level. Let me know if im wrong for still feeling this stronge, but i can disconnect if your not ready for me to be this into you. Sorry but there no inbetween. Another 8 years and i wont forgive you. This couldnt be healthy for me or for you. I never been much of a health freak so fuck it, im gonna see this through.) A simple question can have mutipul answers all of which i pre-consider. But truth be told you always know which one you hope to hear. Im well aware that your a man and will think like a man. I know your some kinda freak. Of course you want a threesome. I just didnt know you would actually be willing to have one with me. Let me explain... Having a 3way is cool, but you know im an equal opportunist so you said i could have one with you and another guy to be fair. You didnt notice that at no point and time did i say or imply that i would be willing to have one with you. Reason is... Im fine with 3way action, not really interested in it but i get the whole excitment thing behind it. I understand its really a guy thing. Cool. But most men save their wild escapades for their piece, boo, side chick or a random hoe, not their love, she usually off limits. You tripped on me just hours ago about giving away what you felt was yours. So to be clear on what i was hearing, because i was a little puzzled and on my way to upset. I hit you with my purse. It started out as a playful tap but somewhere mid swing it hit me and i was mad at you! The tap turned to a beating sponsered by Louis Vuitton. I had to be clear. "So you can actually be there and stand to watch another man pipe me?" your response.. "Yeah." that was it.... there is no circumstance you can find to make that exceptable to me. I honestly believe that when you love someone, really love that somebody, you could never voluntarily watch somebody else do the intimate things that you use to do with them. Its inhumane to me. I was mad because i could never sit there and see you be that way with Jane Doe. Under no circumstances or regulations would i ever agree to it. I love you too much to have that image tattooed in my memory.... for nothing more than the opportunity to have my turn at a 3way without smite. Selfish? I dont know. Not truely in love with me, or just not in the same way, or not on the same level? I dont know. Either way i feel alone. I felt alone since last night. I realized that im not easy, im complicated, and happy about it. My complicated layers only keep out the unworthy. I take your answer and live with it. Im not mad at you anymore!!! Im a big girl so im fine. You cant take it back or explain it away. You sat Silently only concerned with weather i was mad at you or not. You never stopped to analyze what you said back at the store or the meaning of it. Or maybe you did. I dont know. Either way it was a reality check for me. It was one of those stupid test that stupid people in love do just to find out how in love their partner is with them. The test always tells the truth. You failed. Miserably. Should you have lied... No. Because that would only mask our differences for a limited time. Its better we know more now than later. As to the sex... what you do is your decission and business. I wont ask any questions. Im done with the questions. Last night i also asked you "what about us?" you said its just Beautiful and Silence. What more is there to say.

him, her and ME...

Yo bring some weed! I got a story to tell...

Have you ever been so angry that you feel crackin skulls is in order? Well I felt like that today. Then I just felt hurt. I was hurt because I couldn't do anything, at least not what I felt like doing. Well I could very well do what I wanted to do, which was whoop a bitch ass, but I knew it honestly wasn't worth it. A night in jail possibly, me getting dirty possibly, or a fight going terribly wrong, me killing her possibly. It wasn't worth me making my point, but I felt like I had to because a code was broken. Maybe its just me being old skool when it comes to relationships and friends, but I feel like most of the people I know grew up in the hood, and know some basic street codes. You know what I mean, the code that guide your life, “MOB”, “snitches get stiches”, “don't shit where you eat”. I know it sounds wild crazy but real talk I still follow and respect these street codes. I'm far from ghetto but grew up on these codes and still live by these codes. I'm not saying I'm down for no 187, and drive bys, but I understand. My aunts and uncles showed me the codes are almost the same as morals, they may vary based on different people but some codes are universal, even basic common sense and should not be broken. And if someone breaks a code, its a violation that must be dealt with.

HER...
I couldn't use my words, you know, reason with her, I already tried that. She said fuck you with her actions. So my only options was to take this one on the chin or tap that ass. I never been no sucker, I don't take nothing on the chin. Coming up I was always ready and willing to whoop a bitch ass if I had good reason to. Her violating a code was good reason for me. See I wanted to tap that ass because she put her fat hands in my cookie jar. Don't get it twisted, Its not about the guy. Its the principle of the matter. Code: If you know homegirl is dealing with homeboy, you fall back! Point blank. Especially if you cool with homegirl on any level. To me its a simple respect thing. Look. I frequently visit her crib, ever so often make moves with her, couple times broke bread with her. Now we not best friends or nothing, but I considered us to be a little past acquaintances. I knew her through a good friend, so I in some sense I adopted her as my friend too. (Friend being used loosely for lack of better term) But you can see the relationship picture Im trying to paint. I knew her through her so we all was cool. At least thats what I thought.

HIM...
I had a new male friend. (Friend being used loosely) Truthfully, he was my Jump off. I dealt with him for only one purpose. Grown up talk. He was cool people, we made plans for him to attend an event with me. We arrive, and introductions are made. Everything is gravy till I spy her all over him. Now feel me on this... I walked in with him. It was obvious I was dealing with him, because I never been known to keep male friends. Next thing I see is her in his face, ok with me, its probably friendly chatter. Then it turns into a cat and mouse fiasco. Her following him all over, Hard Body! So me being the woman I am. I approach her and have a brief conversation with her on her interactions with my date. Grown up talk. Of course her story was he hollered at her. I can respect that, yeah he could be a stray dog, me and him don't do deep conversations, but let me deal with him. I intended to when I leave with him. He broke the code too. Code: You don't bag her friends. Simple. Especially not when you both have a mutually beneficial understanding. Grown up talk. Other females outside her circle is fair game, but show some respect. But right them, it was me and her talking. I told her its all good, some men going to lie and cheat, but now you know the truth from me so you can fall back gracefully. You saw me come in with him and I just told you I'm dealing with him. Now wouldn't any decent female be like oh ok, my bad, I didn't know the real deal, and fuck him, let me bag another guy ( A guy that none of my homegirls is sleeping with)!? But NOOOOOO, Loose, desperate, low self esteem, jealous females that only want what another chick got, don't know any better, low class bitches, cant get there own J-O bitches will still talk to a grimy but none the less taken nigga on the low. So-called just talking is still a violation, what you talking to him for? Now tell me why I shouldn't whoop that tricks ass?
I'll tell you why...

ME...
I'm better than the both of them. I deserve better than the both of them. I'm everything she is not. I have class, morals, I respect the code and I got the looks, brains and swagger to get my fucking own! I'm definitely the best kind of female to acquire as a friend. I'm grown with not much time for children games. I'm honest, loyal to a fault, and I ride or die friends my real friends. So they can have each other. She can have whats left of him. He's a well dressed buster, with no dough to his name. To tell the Gods honest truth... the sex wasn't even all that. I don't know if my goodies is just that good or is he just young and wack. 2 strokes and he's down and out. He gets it right back, 4 more strokes and he's down for the count. I must got that Nyquil kinda stuff. (Lol.) A big dick with no talent gets zip. So thats the 411 on the nigga she won since shes such a fucking go getta! Grown up talk. Go Figure...Thats what I get for going against my my own promise just to feed my sexual appetite. I told myself some time ago that it was over. No more temporary lovers or ordinary brothers. I wanted to save myself, my time, efforts and energy for something real. Someone deserving of someone like me. And I went against my own promise and look what happened. In a moment of physical weakness I got caught up with an attractive young man who can barely speak English. (WTF) But as I was leaving my job with intentions of paying her a cold visit. I had time to think. Plus I had an unexpected encounter with a nice young man. He was my new friend. This time I move much different. Me and him are just friends with no sexual tension or motives. At least on my part, and if he's not genuine which only time will tell, I'll find out because I intend on keeping that promise I made to myself. So I learned once again, that God works in mysterious ways. By the time I hit the highway, I was thankful for my moment of clarity, and I was praying for her and him while driving home. I didn't wish ill on them, I only prayed that they both get what they deserved. It was out of my hands. I also had a new outlook on the disrespect I had just faced. I found out the hard way what she thought of her relationship with me, it simply wasn't worth her backing off one attractive man. Thats pitiful on her behalf, but to me it was a real eye opener. I'm too something..friendly, nice, trusting or what? Because I was in real shock that a young lady her age and thinking she was certain type of person, really just off her face value, would play games like that. I've always been pleasant with her, so why would she be sleezy like that to me? Any who, birds cant hide there feathers for too long. Everything happens for a reason. Lessons and blessing come in the same package. Life's a Bitch, Karma's a Mother*, and God has a sense of humor. You should be careful of the seeds you sew. Had I been an ignorant female and fought for him, not taking heed to the message hidden behind my hurt and anger. I could have regretted that. Grown up talk. She could have just taking death, stds and AIDS off my hands. Those things often do come to low class, loose, desperate black woman that like dealing with other womens man.
Peace be still...
PS: I broke a CODE too...You never bring your man( or man you dealing with) around your female friends. Simple. Especially when you don't know her like that! Follow the codes and avoid a possible problem.

Go Hard!

I cant hear the music.... but theres one song that sheds light on the way im feeling. You know "Go Hard" by Kanye n T.Pain. Yeah thats it... One line that sums it all up...
"If you could, you would get rid of me, but what you gon do when a nigga gotta go hard"

Some body once said..." you should never take a mans pride because it means nothing to you and everything to him". That got me to thinking... there are only a few things that are truely yours, and those few things are not tangible and they are valuable things that a sort of person will be rightly willing to die for. Your pride is one of them, honor, maybe a religious belief. The art of war includes many different techniques to defeat your opponent but no technique can defeat the man that is willng to die for his cause. I respect the Kamikaze warrior. I even relate and incorporate some of these principles into my daily life. To me its the same thing as saying "Go Hard". When i say im going hard im mean i intend to fight to the death for my purpose. Its a state of mind that is ruled by determination only, and relieved by results. So as i always ...heres a peak in on my life.

They dont like me....lmao, for real. They no likey me! At all. There are some that openly and out right dont like me. Then there are some that closet wise dont like me. There are some that half way dont like me...Point is they dont like me! I couldnt give a fuck less that people dont like me but what has inspired this blog is the grown men and women that take not liking me to heart. When i say grown i mean GROWN, like if they were fast asses they could be my mother or father. some of them were fast asses, and now they have kids my age. Now of course the people that fit this age bracket are in upper management positions. In short, they are a pathetic bunch that are mostlikely disatisfied with there lot in life and are looking to take out their personal disappointment and frustration due to failure on unsuspecting workers like me. Now you have your control freak... always watching and searching for any minor thing to say. Chances are this type of person has no authority under their own roof. Possibly dealing with issues of insecurity, and in some area of their life they feel opressed and at work they over compensate to convince themselve otherwise. Then you have your Uncle Tom type. This is the one that will shuck and jive his way to the top but of course never reaching it.... there goes that glass ceiling. Its extra hard to break glass in government jobs, and especially when "The Man" has meant the quota for minority bosses... 1 extra is one too many! So shuck and jive away... lol The only thing that concerns me is when ol chicken george tries to throw me under the bus to impress massa. Thats not exceptable. History should have taught one that lesson. Even after you do your dance and please massa, he'll still pass over you and promote someone else.... so why continue to shuck and jive... I know your feet got to be hurting?! But i digress.... I know they hate me... but why? Is it because I never let them see me sweat, or because i dont cower at the mention of MOC? Maybe its my confident demeanor, i dont let rank dictate my self worth. To be honest... I personally believe im much smarter and currently have a great earning potiential that they ever will reach. All you need to be a supervisor is good attendance and soft lips! LMAO but i never told them that so i still dont get why they hate me, does it show that i dont think very highly of their position? They still act like common ghetto trash so why should I?
Who cares, im having a blast just watching them die on the inside because they cant get to me, but they dont want me to GO HARD!

Love in Retrospect....

So there was Butta, Silence, Ex files, Panda, Brown Eyes, Lorenzo, The Californian, White Boy, and Mr Guyana, Refreshments, Ghost Lover and The Guru.....
Where do i begin?
So I wont say my year in the area of relationships has been a bust, but i definitely didn't get what I in some kind of way was hoping for. Close but no cigar. In fact all i came away with was a few valuable lessons in life and love. Some lessons I would say its a shame I had to learn the hard way, and some i would say I already knew the answers because I had experienced that lesson before. Overall, at this point in the year where people take time to look at their year in retrospect, i find myself feeling rather disappointed in some of the choices I've made. Maybe not disappointed but more so confused. I still don't have any regrets but Damn. When did things become so complicated...do i follow my heart or my head? Or what combination of both is productive? Or when and how much of the benefit of a doubt do you give your prospective other half? All of these matters have left me feeling some kinda way. I will say I spent a minute or two being out of character, but i cant regret what i honestly believe was justly provoked. I can be sad at the outcome, but I never been the type to dwell on things out of my control. I started off the year stratling the fence of two old flames... one light was shining bright and the other not so much, but that should have foretold the whirl wind of drama my love life would incur.

Butta.... Umm umm... he was my bottom! I grew up with him, he knew the old skool me, and there was something comforting about that. South Side Queens, jhs 226, LBF, baby hair and 54/11s me. I'm talking 1996 me, before the weaves and acrylic nails me. Its kind of like the comfort of knowing that this person rocked with you before you was a star. He was my unobtainable crush. Junior high he was the shit! 6'4 brown skin, smooth and mad fly. He didnt play no sports, he just ran with a crew that was known. He wasn't checking for me, i was his “friend”, probably because i was dealing with his brother but he knew what it was. None the less me and my girls knew he was the flyest. A few years pass, we started talking but i moved away for high school. Next thing you know its 2007 and I' with my girls doing my thing at Empire and who skates right up on me....Butta! We automatically jumped into it...we felt like us was long over due. But him knowing that I'm a certain kind of woman, and I remember him as the fly guy, he quickly disappeared from my life. About 4 months later I'm getting ready to leave for work and my door bell rings. I thought my dad had forgot something because he just left. I opened the door without looking first, the next thing I know theres a 6'4 shadow behind me. I turned around and screamed. I was so happy and yet so pissed off. I hugged and kissed him before i slapped the shit out of him. He didn't get drafted or sent to jail. He just left. No number, no call, no reason. We talked briefly. He said he wanted to get his shit right before he stepped to me on some serious shit, i had to respect his reason but not his method. That day i left for work late but i made it there on time. He paid for my parking. Long story short....He was still hustling. Doing well, but i couldn't take the life style. Waking up and my car being gone, moving stacks and watching for 5-0. The shopping was nice, but i couldn't afford to pay the cost. From dealing with his baby mama drama to taking care of him. I couldn't do it for long. Too many covert moves, I came too far to go back to being a husler wife. I didn't see a good ending for us, he wanted a baby boy from me. That may seem like a sweet thought but to me its triffling as hell. I'm no fool, and nobody's baby mama. I got out off that situation quick. The transition was easy, especailly since i was spending time with Silence. He was my first love, you might know him as the main character in my blog Parolee.

Something Like a Phenomenon

So im sittin in the student cafe minding my own biz, when I cant help but over hear a group of about 10 young brothers discuss their sexual escapades right next to me. Their conversation had some serious points, like what you should do if you get burned ( contract an std), but most of the talk was just crackin jokes and talking about sex bloopers. I couldnt help but bust out laughing when one guy started screeming "I need a medic! I need a medic! and somebody get me a fuckin cup of cold water!!!" That was his demonstration of what a guys is suppose to do if he gets burned. Really? I still dont know what the cup of cold water is suppose to do for him but ok. LMAO Althought its was over the top atleast these young guys know they have to immediately seek medical attention. After that I tried to tune out to give them some sort of privacy and finish my work. The next think that caught my ear was one guy talking about how he couldnt get it up...I had to listen to this part. All of these guys couldnt be more than 21 years old, all babies! Apparently it was a common issues that the whole group could identify with because they all broke out in personal testimonies and tips! Hot Mess! One guy i could understand because the young bird suckin him off bit the crap out his buddy, so he couldnt get it up after that, but the other guys couldnt explain their failure to launch. This one guy, call him Zack, he said he started making up lame excuses while still on top the girl. "did you hear that?, I know i heard something!" or "Damn! I cant do it with the tv on, its distracting me." Im like word, are you serious? Now Zack is a little cutie pie, I'd put him in my youth program fast! He's about 6'2, medium build, light skin and sea sick waves. Look like he play b-ball and xbox all day while listen to kanye. No facial hair. lol I hope he knows he's in his fuckin prime! So I cant see him fuckin with an unattractive girl. So why is it that he couldnt get it up... Perhaps he was just nervous to get with the girl, but thats a bullshit excuse! His boy was like "you gotta put on a porn!" Now this is where it hits home. About some time ago... I said to myself "Self, he's been chasing your fine ass for a good 3 years now, and he always holds you down, gon give some!" So like always when we finished our date he would say you coming over, i'd laugh and say take me home! Not this time! We made plans to go out about 3 days in advance and it was agreed that i was going to "spend the night". In hind sight im wondering if he thought i actually meant sleep? That night was beautiful up untill the lights went out. Dinner wonderful, double date at the movies cool, car ride home smooth. We get all kissy and touchy, he's a guru with his hands, Im working mines, he's rock, im ready, and......... NOTHING!
Can you explain what just happened? Its something like a phenomenon? Dont even go there! I already checked myself...I was fucking radiant that night! I looked like a Movie Star, a million bucks, I smelled like Channel and dammit I tasted like peaches! I know for a fact I was on point! A smooth chocolate bodied sensation in lace. Real Talk! That being said.... Now explain to me why young to grown men fail under due pressure?

You Judge Me?

What is it about me? I dont bother nobody. I keep to myself. And i stop speaking to Enrique!!! So why is it that i have this hugh target on my back? I must be super fly, a real somebody or even the badest bitch! I swear im a humble being, i dont step on nobody toes. I always play the back and not the front. Im lively, fun and i talk alot but i dont ruffle any feathers. I dont play myself low or dumb my character down to please others, i just do me and stay out the way. So lets says that things are what i said...for arguement sake. Why is it that some people feel the need to play God and hand down my punishments as they see fit? Like they're holyer than thou, or in a position to judge. Last time i checked, 3 stripes doesn't make you closer to God. Does that make any sense? Not that I do bad things, but i know im nothing like a saint. I have made my share and a few other peoples share of mistakes. I recieved a pardon for all that when Jesus died on the cross! So how does that give someone the right to judge me? Ofcourse you can form your own opinion of me, disassociate yourself from me, but thats as far as it goes...any further and you OD'n! Im not a threat, and i would like to stay that way. So why they wanna pick on me? What is it about Me? I would like to know because Its highly annoying. Now the wild thing is that the action of picking on me i laugh at. Nothing anyone can do short of getting physical can seriously bother me. Its thinking that people really put alot of thought and stay up late trying to find ways to upset me. I didnt know i was worth the overtime. Im really not the one. As a child, when my mom would spank me, i forced myself to cry so she could see what she needed to see and be done. When I was a teenager, for a punishment my mom would take my private phone out of my room, so I picked up reading. I didnt care... I saw the the same people 8 hours a day at school, my convo could wait a day. lol Its not that serious! All punishment is really not that serious...its only as serious as you make it. So how pathetic and sad must you be to be obsessed with getting even? My mother always said I would be ok in any situation because I have a good spirit. Which was true. I spent many years dealing with my own demons, learning to find inner happiness and peace with myself. Now if you know like i know, when you had to fight for your peace of mind from a very early age, you fight twice as hard to keep it! So since i have this target on my back certain people take shots at me, and i see it, and i dont care at all. It takes way more energy and focus to hate someone then it takes to forget a pain in the ass. Whooptie doo! make me front load by myself, leave me on the mag, tell me to stop talking a thousand times and then put me with a bunch of people you know i dont talk to....I leave at 7:30 so its not that serious. SMH. Do what every makes you happy. Im good. Im a taurus, a.k.a. a Bull. The astrology books are true, im super stubborn. The fact that it would please you to see me stress and squirm means that i would rather eat shit and die with a smile then let you see that! I know its crazy, but I swear its true, ask any taurus! I cant help it, thats just me. I have the capability to adapt and cope with extremely stressfull situations and i know God made me that way so I have the patience and will to deal with small, petty, bad minded people like you!!! (Whoo! Sorry! i had a moment there.) Plus when things get to heavy for me to bare i take my problems to a higher authority, and im not talking about the TM!
Hate on me Hater