Love, Lust, Desire,and Lies.

Love, lust desires and lies which one is which? You thing u know the meaning but when you get caught up I'm a wind of confusion and questions invade your mind its hard to tell which one is which. Or was, or the position u find yourself in. All relationships end with the being of one sentence. "I thought...". That being true, its always evident in the end that u had no idea what you were getting into in the first place or dealing with. You blindly followed your emotions and not you analytical brian. Can you honestly decipher love from lust? Strong desire from lies? To find what's true you need all of these components yet if the foundation is not built on the right complex formula your relationship will fail. As do more than 50% of marriages in America. How many little white lies does it take to screw in a light bulb or keep up a relationship? Don't you have to strongly desire your other? Its what you desire in, or from your other that is key. In the beginning, there was only lust and it was good. Lust is a phaze, once satisfied it quickly fades away. It wasn't love at first sight, it was lust. Fools gold. Then when all of these things overwhelm us, we call it love. Why? Haven't we seen enough Dr .Phil, Montel and Jerry to see where mis identification gets us. Are we that desperate to accept artificial interest as genuine feelings of love? Analogy: Its just like when your at the hair salon and hustle man comes in with all his "authentic stolen goods" and everything is half off original price. Your tempted, but you know thats not how you should shop for the finer things in life. You know that some how it loses its true value and aura if you achieve those expensive shoes or bag on a come-up, and not by hard work and sweating as you make your way to Nordstroms. Plus your forever skeptical of the so called "authentic" nature of hustle mans goods. You wish you could believe that lie with all your heart, it would take some of the pressure off. (Mistake nuber one: wanting to believe the unbelievable. Lies.) Other women in the store start to look, your friends don't have the same standards as you. Now your the only one. You eventually give in with the promise of just a glance over the items offered. ( Mistake number two: Giving into your desires.) Here he comes with the smooth talk, slow but fast! The price is right. This got your name on it. Just for you, that one was the kill shot.( Lust) "I'll take it". You hand over your hard earn money for what looks like the real thing. You decide to believe the hype. (LOVE) You desired that bag, you lusted for that bag, you lied to yourself or I should say ignored your better judgement. You loved that bag. Until you got it home! Now your calm again, its just you in the house, you and your new Louis Vuitton bag. "Please God let this thing be real" it better be, because I just spent half the rent. You go into the bathroom light to examine and really scrutinize the bag one last time. Your independent, un influenced verification. If its real it would be worth every cent you paid hustle man in cash. You look at the handles to see if there pealing like the china town knock offs, nope! You look inside the bag, the lining is the right color and the paper work is in the pocket. Yes! I think I have a winner here. Stolen straight out the store as I'd hope. You hold your new baby up to the light and gleam at it with triumph and delight until you notice something not so right... Wait a minute! In the light and dark boxes on your new Damier LV bag the designer name is written, like it should be, except Louis Vuitton is spelt "Luis Vitton". Its a fake. Your emotions are now shot back to reality, you brain does this little "I told you so" number and your at a complete loss for words. You can't blame hustle man, his name is Hustle Man. You only have yourself to hold accountable. This is exactly the feeling and case when it comes to Love, lust, desire. and lies when dealing with men. When dating, aka- the careful selection of a life partner, If we are not careful to follow our brians in the begin, heed all of the rules we have come to learn via life experiences, we will continuonsly bring home fakes. If we don't stop with the ignoring of womans intuition and giving benefit of doubt, then we will be forced to analyse our mistakes in hindsight. Loser do not come with ingredient and warning labels, but they do have lose threads and clues we must set aside our emotions and use our brains to find. When they say your heartless, just say your real and not into to broken hearts. Most of the damage that is done can be avoided if we dont confuse Love, lust, desire and lies.

San Antonio

If i woke up in the morning and you were gone, i'd hate you!

98' You got stressed and went underground. 8 years. No word, no kite! If you did it again, i promise i will forget you so fast. There will but no turning back. Not easy to do but missions motivated by pain work. You cant steal my sanity twice. That would be so fucked up, and i cant let that happen. I was young back then. A few years to get right, i had the time to spare. So i forgave you. Im not old, but i have no time to waste. You can say im quite seasoned for a 25 year old. Theres even a hint of bitter left in my mouth. I wont waste time knocking down something like the Berlin wall just to have you up and go else where. I believe in self preservation, physical and mental survival. I know its hell out here, but word? Thought being on crack was like a short trip to heaven. I know sometimes a man has got to do what he must, but if you think for one second i wont show out, your wrong. Then again, i've seen your back before so why should i cry? Maybe because im actually trying to put my faith in you. It's shit like this that keeps me unbalanced. Cant lie and say i dont think about giving up, but i also believe things worth having are worth fighting for. I dont know what to do but a disapearing act is not you healthiest chioce. Nevermind the threats. I guess what im trying to say is if you were to go.... it wont kill me literally, but emotionally, thats close enough.

Something Like a Phenomenon

So im sittin in the student cafe minding my own biz, when I cant help but over hear a group of about 10 young brothers discuss their sexual escapades right next to me. Their conversation had some serious points, like what you should do if you get burned ( contract an std), but most of the talk was just crackin jokes and talking about sex bloopers. I couldnt help but bust out laughing when one guy started screeming "I need a medic! I need a medic! and somebody get me a fuckin cup of cold water!!!" That was his demonstration of what a guys is suppose to do if he gets burned. Really? I still dont know what the cup of cold water is suppose to do for him but ok. LMAO Althought its was over the top atleast these young guys know they have to immediately seek medical attention. After that I tried to tune out to give them some sort of privacy and finish my work. The next think that caught my ear was one guy talking about how he couldnt get it up...I had to listen to this part. All of these guys couldnt be more than 21 years old, all babies! Apparently it was a common issues that the whole group could identify with because they all broke out in personal testimonies and tips! Hot Mess! One guy i could understand because the young bird suckin him off bit the crap out his buddy, so he couldnt get it up after that, but the other guys couldnt explain their failure to launch. This one guy, call him Zack, he said he started making up lame excuses while still on top the girl. "did you hear that?, I know i heard something!" or "Damn! I cant do it with the tv on, its distracting me." Im like word, are you serious? Now Zack is a little cutie pie, I'd put him in my youth program fast! He's about 6'2, medium build, light skin and sea sick waves. Look like he play b-ball and xbox all day while listen to kanye. No facial hair. lol I hope he knows he's in his fuckin prime! So I cant see him fuckin with an unattractive girl. So why is it that he couldnt get it up... Perhaps he was just nervous to get with the girl, but thats a bullshit excuse! His boy was like "you gotta put on a porn!" Now this is where it hits home. About some time ago... I said to myself "Self, he's been chasing your fine ass for a good 3 years now, and he always holds you down, gon give some!" So like always when we finished our date he would say you coming over, i'd laugh and say take me home! Not this time! We made plans to go out about 3 days in advance and it was agreed that i was going to "spend the night". In hind sight im wondering if he thought i actually meant sleep? That night was beautiful up untill the lights went out. Dinner wonderful, double date at the movies cool, car ride home smooth. We get all kissy and touchy, he's a guru with his hands, Im working mines, he's rock, im ready, and......... NOTHING!
Can you explain what just happened? Its something like a phenomenon? Dont even go there! I already checked myself...I was fucking radiant that night! I looked like a Movie Star, a million bucks, I smelled like Channel and dammit I tasted like peaches! I know for a fact I was on point! A smooth chocolate bodied sensation in lace. Real Talk! That being said.... Now explain to me why young to grown men fail under due pressure?

Schizophrenia

Ladies...Have you ever sat up in your bed and thought you had a mental disorder because of the multitude of emotions you felt after being in a crazy relationship with some man? Will i have. And i've come to the conclusion that im crazy. It cant be the men i date, there all sane! Its not them, its me. Im just a schizophernic!
I have been so happy, then so sad. Lets explore that said the psychiatrist. Well some times i question myself to the point of confusion. I try to see his point of view. But all i come up with is he's crazy or down right stupid. But nahh that cant be it, because when i first met him i distinctly remember saying to myself how smart he was. So it must be me. Maybe im too demanding. Do you think im too demanding doc? Well explain to me what you think is demanding about you she said. Ok well maybe i take myself way to serious. Maybe i ask too much of him. I thought asking him to occassionally take me out to a play or a movie was not asking too much but he never did it. I aslo asked him to call me once a day to touch bases but maybe i was askin too much. Then i had the nerve to ask him to by me flowers when it wasnt my birthday or any other holiday. Plus i wanted other things like respect, affection, interesting conversation, entertainment, fun, support, emotionally and financially, and real love, not just sexy time, but love making time. I wanted him to get along with my family. I wanted him to get his life together so we can work towards a future together. I mean we aint getting no younger, and this aint a high school musical. I wanted him to take me serious and not just see our relationship as going on a ride. But maybe its me, Im just too demanding. Another thing doc... Whats the deal with him choosing his friends over me. Let me explain. Its not like im trying to separate them, but it was our birthday week. Our birthdays are 2 days apart and he had to work on both mine and his birthday. I was understanding of that. So now the weekend comes and he's off. I get off work at 7:30pm and call him to see whats up and this fool is at his mans crib chillin hard! Is it me? I flipped out because i figured it was implied that we would celebrate our birthdays on the first given opportunity. He knew what time i was getting off but did he make plans to hang out with his boys during the day...noooo. He waits till i get home from work to go hang out, and then tells me that i hang out with my girls all time time. That may be but i dont do it on important days. And my logic says that if he had the slightess bit of sense he would see the difference. but he flipped it on me and im the nut case mean girlfriend. huh? how the fuck did that happen. and this isnt the first time he flipped the script on me doc, some how this always happens. I carefully think about why im upset before i approach him and yet he always makes me feel guilty. He's usually a reasonable guy so maybe i am over reacting...yeah its just me! Doc you know what also gets me? No please tell me she said. Its the money issue!!! What the fuck is the protocal doc?! Jamie foxx and kanye saying she takes my money,oh she a golddigger and NE-YO wants Miss Independent. Then i got T.I, Lil Wayne, and T.Pain on the other hand telling me i can have whatever i like and It aint trickng if you got it! Which one is it. If im a hambuger bitch its alright, here go $20, i can wild the fuck out at Mcdonalds and the dollar store. Now theres nothing wrong with the dollar store and Mcdonalds, i frequent both spots, but thats not really me. Im that Gucci wearing, take me to Bennihannas, i need gas and tuition money if you got it like that bitch. That being said...you cant come up in my face talking about it aint nothing to a boss baby , but get pissed and nervous when i put my hand out! Im confused Doc. Im not needy but i got needs and bills. Its a fact of life and if a man is going to be in my life i need more support than holding me up so i dont hurt my back or fall when im sittin and spinning on his dick! Can i get an Amen Doc! she laughs. So Doc...whats wrong with me? Im educated, ambitous, no kids hence no baby daddy mess, and im relatively attractive not to blow my own horn, I crack jokes, play video games and i love to watch sports...ok ok I like to watch sports....I even been to the female strip club, but im still single? So whats wrong with me? I know i come with some side effects but who dont? What do you think these side effects are she said. Well i have a tendency to cling to my man you know, not in a mole type of way but a hold you down type of way. I know i get a little carried away in the mall, especially around shoes but he dont complain when i leve them on, only when we get to the register and i look at him. I can buy my own shoes but damm that i like to be spoiled roiten. Its in my DNA and im not willing to change that, all i can do is return the favor. I have a tendency to keep my man to myself, that seems to be a negative thing nowadays, if your dating a man born after 1970. I like to sing along with my songs on the radio, i know niggas hate that, but i dont care. I cant stand when they leave the toilet seat up but they dont seem to care when i fall the fuck in. Doc whats wrong with me. The first 3 months are golden then they change up on me. All of a sudden they phone battey is dying in the middle of the day. He got to go help his mother move some furniture. His man is going through some drama and he got to be there for him...every night! Is it me or dont you smell the bullshit? I must but crazy! Men act civilized till they get enough of the sex then they flip. So if i want to keep a healthy relationship i got to ration it out? He gon complain about that one. Now if i unleash the freak on his ass its a problem. Im a Hoe because i do that too well. What the fuck Doc? Im going baazerk here! Who am i suppose to be. I cant be miss smarty pants because he going to feel dumb knowing im that much smarter, i cant be freak a leek, i cant be a gold digger, i cant be miss independent because then i dont need his ass for ANYTHING. I cant be ghettofab, cant be stush, i cant be too girly but i cant be a tomboy. Little does he know im every women and i got an S tattoed on my chest. I just have to kept it covered up. I really think i just need a man, a real MAN. A man that can keep up! One thats secure in his desires and our relationship. A man that knows being a player is not a long term life style. A man that knows a wife is just a romantic girl bestfriend for life. Here i go asking for too much again with my crazy strange delusional ass. Doc what do you say about my Schizophrenia. I feel so many things, i think i have multiple personalities. Can you prescribe some meds for this? Im getting tired of feeling this way.
Doc Says: Tatiana you dont have multiple personalites and you dont need medication. You just know what you want and your constantly weighting the price of settling for less versus holding out for what you really deserve. You are every woman. It just takes the right man to bring out the do right in you. Your beautiful and Inteligent. Hard working and romantic. You adapt to every situation your thrown into, and you struggle to stay on top. Your not crazy and dont let any man make you question the things you have defined about yourself so long ago. Just stay strong and be patient for patience is a virtue. Go on with your day. Keep a journal of your thoughts and we will discuss them next week.
I said Thank you Doc this was a very liberating session. See you next week.
Doc says: Bye Tatiana. Now just go on and get out of this Mirror.