Calling Card

What would it take to call you, to get your attention? My finances... shot. My education... rocky. My family.... strong but, struggling. My friends...i might have 2. My love life...lacking love. All at the same time. Oh and my car... parked. What would it take to make me fall on my knees and call on the lord? Thats not bad luck or just hard times. I was raised in the church, so i know a calling card when I see one. Things are to the point that I cant take no more, and I wont test his power. Im answering his call. It's so bad, cant drive by my church, or leave my tv on BET when i fall asleep on a saturday night because i dont want to hear or have to turn the channel from the sermon that will be on when i wake up on sunday and turn on my tv. I know its bad, but I suppose its just my time. I've seen these moments of trial in my life before. Testimony 1: I know i got into college on a prayer, because i messed up really bad my first 2 years of high school, and for me to get into a great competitive school like i did was a miracle. but i strayed away from the lord after my S.A.T's was over... it turned out i couldnt afford to keep going to my school without him.
Testimon 2: I was in a one way love realtionship with a man i couldnt leave, no matter how bad he treated me, i stayed because i loved him and wasnt strong enough to leave him. I prayed about my situation and God gave me a clear sign that i needed to separate myself. I did and never looked back. Testimony 3: I stopped going to church, i was getting mixed up in catty drama that did nothing but hurt people. I was a telemarketer at the time. I called this one ladys house on a saturday morning trying to get her to re-join the book club, she said no, but before I could hang up she started talking to me about Jesus, i didnt hang up on her, although I easily could have. I listened to what she had to say and I cried like a baby on the phone with her beacuse everything she said , i already knew. It was so strange because she talked to me like she knew me, like she was my auntie or something. She wasnt all preachy and heaven and hell like some, but she talked to me on my level and i understood her. That proved to me that I could never get away from God, I wasnt unreachable or untouchable like I thought. I remember the last time i was feeling really good and very blessed, it was almost 3 years ago. I was attending church regularly with my girlfriends and my exboyfriend. I got too comfortable in my success. I always think about my life back then. Things are always better for me when I keep God at the head of my life. I realize at this moment that he can take everything away just like that. He has let me face some difficult times since i wanted to do my own thing, but he gave me my health and kept me from putting myself under. If I wasn't precious to him he wouldn't waste his time sending me all these calling cards! So once again im going to answer his call and try my best to stay near to him. Like Donnie McCurklin says "we fall down but we get up"! Joel Olsteen says "The greatest difficulty comes right before your promise" and "Its always darkest right before the dawn". So with these words of incouragement i move on to a better me, the real me, a blessed me!

End of Silence

Its amazing how a man can just shit on you then move on with the rest of his life. I knew taurus people were motherfuckas but damn. This one threw me for a loop. But now im here with thoughts of my own. Violence and distruction flow through my mind. Its my pride thats hurt, not the fact that he left. I left him before, he was nothing to stress. But for him to do it to me. I feel like Denzel in Training Day...."Do you know who i am!!!?" I think this might have been his plan all along and a brillant one of revenge at that. Its devious enough for me to like and respect it. It still burns like VD! Im fucking stunning, and a wonderful catch. You dont dismiss me like that. If it wasnt for the fact that i love the lord and i cant risk ruining my life for revenge on a stinking nerd. Oh the damage i would do. Im not talking about wrecking a nigga car but fucking up a pathetic losers life. Im great at pushing buttons, but I on the daily choose to let it go and not tke it to that. I do have better things to tend to, but i'd be lying if i didnt acknowledge the urge to respond to such disreguard for my feelings. The only other option I have to console this inner fire is Silence. Silence speaks volumes. When i think about it, i really suffered no loss. I honestly didnt see a future i was content with and I was forcing myself to relive a memory. Over time my standards have grown, 4 eyed, ex-con, dead beat daddy, unemployed, homeless, bummy, snagga tooth and magga doesn't quite make me hear wedding bells. So with the solice of knowing much time wasnt wasted and many new opportunities have arrising with the closing of that door, i move on. That could have been an epic failure. Exhale! There's been one thing i've been dying to do....It woud be so insulting it might insight suicide. I dont want some loser blood on my hands, so i'll just leave it at BOOTY! :-)

Love, Lust, Desire,and Lies.

Love, lust desires and lies which one is which? You thing u know the meaning but when you get caught up I'm a wind of confusion and questions invade your mind its hard to tell which one is which. Or was, or the position u find yourself in. All relationships end with the being of one sentence. "I thought...". That being true, its always evident in the end that u had no idea what you were getting into in the first place or dealing with. You blindly followed your emotions and not you analytical brian. Can you honestly decipher love from lust? Strong desire from lies? To find what's true you need all of these components yet if the foundation is not built on the right complex formula your relationship will fail. As do more than 50% of marriages in America. How many little white lies does it take to screw in a light bulb or keep up a relationship? Don't you have to strongly desire your other? Its what you desire in, or from your other that is key. In the beginning, there was only lust and it was good. Lust is a phaze, once satisfied it quickly fades away. It wasn't love at first sight, it was lust. Fools gold. Then when all of these things overwhelm us, we call it love. Why? Haven't we seen enough Dr .Phil, Montel and Jerry to see where mis identification gets us. Are we that desperate to accept artificial interest as genuine feelings of love? Analogy: Its just like when your at the hair salon and hustle man comes in with all his "authentic stolen goods" and everything is half off original price. Your tempted, but you know thats not how you should shop for the finer things in life. You know that some how it loses its true value and aura if you achieve those expensive shoes or bag on a come-up, and not by hard work and sweating as you make your way to Nordstroms. Plus your forever skeptical of the so called "authentic" nature of hustle mans goods. You wish you could believe that lie with all your heart, it would take some of the pressure off. (Mistake nuber one: wanting to believe the unbelievable. Lies.) Other women in the store start to look, your friends don't have the same standards as you. Now your the only one. You eventually give in with the promise of just a glance over the items offered. ( Mistake number two: Giving into your desires.) Here he comes with the smooth talk, slow but fast! The price is right. This got your name on it. Just for you, that one was the kill shot.( Lust) "I'll take it". You hand over your hard earn money for what looks like the real thing. You decide to believe the hype. (LOVE) You desired that bag, you lusted for that bag, you lied to yourself or I should say ignored your better judgement. You loved that bag. Until you got it home! Now your calm again, its just you in the house, you and your new Louis Vuitton bag. "Please God let this thing be real" it better be, because I just spent half the rent. You go into the bathroom light to examine and really scrutinize the bag one last time. Your independent, un influenced verification. If its real it would be worth every cent you paid hustle man in cash. You look at the handles to see if there pealing like the china town knock offs, nope! You look inside the bag, the lining is the right color and the paper work is in the pocket. Yes! I think I have a winner here. Stolen straight out the store as I'd hope. You hold your new baby up to the light and gleam at it with triumph and delight until you notice something not so right... Wait a minute! In the light and dark boxes on your new Damier LV bag the designer name is written, like it should be, except Louis Vuitton is spelt "Luis Vitton". Its a fake. Your emotions are now shot back to reality, you brain does this little "I told you so" number and your at a complete loss for words. You can't blame hustle man, his name is Hustle Man. You only have yourself to hold accountable. This is exactly the feeling and case when it comes to Love, lust, desire. and lies when dealing with men. When dating, aka- the careful selection of a life partner, If we are not careful to follow our brians in the begin, heed all of the rules we have come to learn via life experiences, we will continuonsly bring home fakes. If we don't stop with the ignoring of womans intuition and giving benefit of doubt, then we will be forced to analyse our mistakes in hindsight. Loser do not come with ingredient and warning labels, but they do have lose threads and clues we must set aside our emotions and use our brains to find. When they say your heartless, just say your real and not into to broken hearts. Most of the damage that is done can be avoided if we dont confuse Love, lust, desire and lies.

I Only Asked For 1

WOW! Just when i started thinking thou hath for saken me....Bam! An amazing weekend with awsome people picks me right back up again. I guess you get exactly what you ask god for. I asked him for just one and he gave me 3. After suffering a hugh emotional blow just days before "i love you day" i was devasted and and angry. Im even positive that it was some kind of miss understanding due to some thing i wrote. What was fiction and creative writing got taking for facts and real events. Pity. I some how manage to not accept but live with the harsh feelings expressed towards me. Dont know how i did, but im proud of myself for maintaining my regal stance against being outright ignorant and weak. It felt like someone i trusted kicked and beat me when i was already down and out. As my heart woud have it, i wanted to act out, set the record straight. But what did i have to prove, or what did i owe? Nothing. This time i followed my head. It was like an epiphany! If you love some one or ever did, you just dont treat or deal with them like that. Simple. Its was all so simple. So after my whirlwind. I turned to people that really did love me and really are my friends... I went to dinner with an amazing guy. He has manage to genuinly love me with my flaws and all. I love him so dearly for that. Its hard enough accepting that I am not a perfect being and its divine when someone else can except that fact about me too and still want to be in my life. So my Valentines day started off with excitement and joy. Thank you! Valentines Day it self was some how still depressing because after work, after a whole day of seeing couples take a romantic trips together, i went home to be alone. I lost count of how many wedding rings i saw on x-ray. Tear drop. When will it be my turn? I digress. So as i get home about 8:15pm. I get undressed and get in bed. Im thinking a little t.v will easy my heavy thoughts. Damn! My satellite dish is messing up again, no t.v. So I turn to my trusty laptop to dilute my thoughts of running over asshole men. Not much luck there. I get a phone call, "hey i got the tickets, are you down to go?" I almost thought of saying no, but something made me say yes. I got showered, quickly got dressed and i was off to an upscale sold out comedy show with some cool headliners. Its so funny, He may not be there when you want him, but he's always on time!!! I loved every minute of it. Even the wack ass after party, it beat being in the house. I even arrived to a long stem red rose. How sweet. Some times it only takes one. One to restore just enough faith in relationships, men, and love to keep me holding on. It took someone who i havent seen in years to pick me up when i most needed it. He didnt even know what he was doing, but thanks. We danced all night to a horrific mix of old skool hip hop, reggae and house. Next to all to pimps and playas, the dons and the divas lol. When we finally had enough of the party we left out to say goodnight and part ways. While i was driving home, for a split second i wondered what was happening at this moment on flatbush, but the thought quickly past. I got home and went straight to sleep with a smile on my face. Jump in and get out was the plan. I Showered, shaved everythang, and put on my makeup. with my legs silky smooth i intended to show them off tonight. I should have known it was gonna be a great night because i wasnt even driving. She did it up in high style. We popped a bottle to set the night off right. We got to the club late. It was early for us but late for the line that went down the block. We waited in the freezing cold as long as we could, but a few transactions later and we were inside and ready to go all in. We spent the whole night partying in the V.I.P area with Assasin and Serani. Vibes was nice, and the drinks was stronge. It was her birthay party but it was my re-introduction to the single life. I looked amazing as did all in my crew. I caught a dub or two, and went home twisted. I had the best weekend ever. I coudnt have seen it coming. A week ago my love life was a mess, mainly because of how i choose to see it and the people i choose to put in substantial positions. Im to blame for that. Over the past week i found much solitude in being silent. I choose to take what was such a negative situation and make it work for me. So far so good. I wont say im 100% out the emotional blue but im really getting there and im trusting God to see me through. My condolences for the loss of your love one, i understand. And my sympathy to undeserving men, you just lost one.

Random Thoughts...

So im sittin here in my room trying not to feel some kind of shame for rocking out to the Jonas brothers and Stevie Wonder on the Grammys, but its not working! Im loving these little boys and the blind man more than i should. lol. Otherwise im ok, now... So i had to wig the F* out at work today. Crazy but i swear this shit was called for. Same asshole sup started in on me about some minor bs. Anywho, he told on me and i aired his little ass out... felt much better afterwards so moving on! So once again im super emotional right now. Katy Perry looks like shes putting on some weight.... yeah so, I wanna cry all the fraking time now. you know why? Because my (.) is almost here.....AGAIN! I swear im like buggin out every 3 weeks. Well not exactly. The symptoms come every 3 weeks like clockwork. Tired, cranky, emotional, bloated, cramps and plain old depressed. This aint no joke. Im seriously considering getting some prescription meds to straighten my nutty ass out. I literally cant cope under these conditons. Not when they're dick heads out there that wont leave my ass alone or simply act right. Its way too much to ask that people dont get on my nerves obviously. So i need to be my own solution...Cant be mad at that honestly....DRUGS! anybody got that? Katy Perrys outfit is so cool! I wonder if they can get that in my size? She's so Alice in Wonderland. OMG! Can Kanye let Estelle get some camera time lol.
Ok. So theres build a bear. Great concept! Now cant we put the idea to something more useful? Build a man!?... I like it! Its up there with no track weaves! Hey Valentines Day is coming up.... No parade this year. Some how the way my love life sits right now, i think i best lower my hopes and expectations. Maybe its the hormones talking but i just dont have the wow factor emotions going. The stars arent lining up right. On second thought...this could work in favor of the man... you see if i have low expectations, anything done or gotten will be magnified. Then again that could back fired....After the initial shock of the action or gift, i may come back to my stush senses and be like "its nice, but WFT?" Anywho... I been thinking. I must examine myself more closely before i analyze or form an irreversible opinion of the men i deal with. Natalie Coles dress is an off the rack mess!!! smfh So in order not to burn relatonships or get into problems that could be avioded if the right footsteps are taken. Im falling back. I already know im an emotional wreck every 3 weeks so i cant depend on a man to handle me with care. Truthfully i feel its alot, unfair to ask of anyone. I believe it would take someone that really loves me to be willing to deal with my ordeals 4 weeks out the month. Buttttt! I cant deny that thats what i want and truely feel i deserve. So heres the compromise! I will not judge or take anything away from a man who cant do that. I however will be committed to myself and cause of not settling. I think it sounds fair, probably should have realized this along time ago. I was too busy chasing shadows. Queen Latifa Looks amazing! MIA: NO THIS BITCH IS NOT 10 MONTHS PREGNANT and proforming Swagga like us!!! Unbelievable...but i understand... baby on the way gotta stack that paper... I just hope the baby dont fall out! Oh yeah! and the outfit is see thru!!! smh... T.Pain looks like Oscar the Grouch. I want some Loubinton pumps so i can put my cape on and stunt on these bitches one mo gin.
I did dinner for 1 last night...Sat night. It wasnt so bad. I didnt do too much. Alittle Rasta pasta... I had on uggs and such, cute. Dont you know had to beat them off with a stick! One fool even hit me with "Ma, I know I know you, whats your name?" really homie? worddd? thats all you got? We in a recession but G is free. I must admit, the shallow attention negated the lonesome meal. Im not a complete loser...I ordered my pasta to go. For all they knew i had a man at home that wanted to keep me in and only allowed me to leave out for our food. Spotlight. last thing on my mind....Ladies, you ever get frazzled when your boo dont call? what exactly does that feeling mean? That was retorical, we all know the answer. I got to wondering why it is that we have pick n choose standards. That is standards that vary based on how much we like the guy. EX: If he's fione... No job, no car, smokes plus I'll wait till he dumps his girl like he said he would. If he's ok... He needs to have a job and dress very well. If he's not the most physically attractive.... He must have a job, car, dresses fly, his own place and his running shoes on because he will still have to chase you down, despite all he has to offer. Our rules apply to some but not all. He dont call, you dont care. He dont call, your thankful. He dont call, your disappointed. He dont call, you call. He dont call, your staking out his house. Some things this one gets away with, you would never put up with from another. If John tried half the things Jason got away with, John would get quickly sent to jail with out passing go or collecting $200. So should you set the bar at an even level for all? Knowing if you did, Jason would mostlikely get cut. Its always the ones you have a soft spot for that make you challenge yourself to do right by yourself. 09, Im gonna do right by me.

You were a Season.

I been thinking about you alot lately. Seems to me i cant define what love is or should feel like with out considering you. I hope your doing well. I wish i wasnt so stubborn. If i was a different woman, i would call you and tell you that i didnt give you all the credit you deserved. I owe you alot of my sanity. Current trying times in love makes it easy for me to see all the good you did. You are the standard for my man. You did more than your fair share. Thank you. You were the best man. I havent felt real, true, pure unadulturated love since we split. I have come close with one from my past, but its not exactly the same. I must say, outside of my issues with your female friends, I trusted you with my life. I would have honestly followed you into hell and back, knowing that with you, i would have never got burned! You did complete me, for the time that was.... I still dont know exactly what happened, the arguements are all a blur to me now. Im starting to think that we had to split because i didnt deserve you or couldnt handle all you had to offer me. Maybe God placed you in my life to fix what had been badly broken by another. But once i was off my crutches he had to take you away. He knew i wasnt quite ready. I still have so many questions. I think he felt the same about you too. You were very in experienced in some areas of life, but an expert and human repair. Once your task was done, you had to move on, but no exit is as smooth as an entry. Thats a wonderful gift. Anywho... Just wanted to say thank you and i miss you much. The drama and questions about love i have now, i didnt have with you. I do still think the break up was for the best, but our time together means the world to me and you should know that. I had a bad dream that you got someone else pregnant...I was so jelous it wasnt me. I wish you all the best and sorry for the drama I started with you at xmas, it was really just a bad joke. I didnt think you would take it so seriously. Just because i fell out of love with you, doesnt mean i wont always love you!

God places people in your life for a reason, season, or a life time.

LOVE ALWAYS
Beautiful~

Facts and Questions

You love me. Is love enough? Can we be just friends?

You have my heart in your hands. I love you. I trust you more than anyone else. I take you into my soul. You have my best interest. Your intent is to care for me the best you can. We came through the wire. I want to be your other half. Your kisses leave traces of love on my lips. I love your hands. You do the best you can. You confide in me. I remember you when im fast asleep. You know me. You think about me and you care for me.

Can we go the distance? I had to come up with a plan that didnt include you. Your not what i thought you would be. If you let yourself go, how can you hold on to me? I have a goal and a destination for my life I intend to meet. How do you fit in and can you get with my program? I can compromise on the minor details, but i cant change who i am. I love you, or is it the old you i love? I know you love me, but do you love me now?

Im having second thoughts. Would you be just my friend? Could you be just my friend. What kind of friend would you be? Bestfriend or Kinda sorta, Ex man type friend? Does friendship reverse or erase the love we share? Would you stand by myside if i needed you to? Would you save me from harm or myself? Could we live with Just friends? Is that even an option?

One.

Im feeling so disappointed right now. Or just some kinda way. I just need one person in my life that i can believe in, count on, love and trust. Just one. I have family that gives me so much love, but is it really impossible to find one stranger in ths world that you can share your world with? Homicide is high, divorce is high, world poverty and crime is high. I plan on traveling the world at some point and hopefully sooner than later. I want to see the art, the old cities, and wittness history, but in my travels Im mostly excited to meet new people, not just new people but different people. I want to know more than just people with that New York state of mind. Im from a different place. In Barbados, its customary for you to greet a stranger. If you can make eye contact, you can say hello. I love that. Going back home is a bit of fresh air for me. I like the kind faces and the humble breezes. The sun shines on the poor like is does on the rich. The rain simply washes away your sin and you can see the world end at the feet of the distant ocean. I need to meet just one. Im not cut out for the ordinary. I need the extrodinary. I have to keep hope alive because if i dont then all hope is lost and i'll be unhappy forever. I like people and i love family. I enjoy talking with old, because they have so much wisdom to offer. Mr. Went was super old, and a little cooky but he made his point. "Its good to have friends, but not fri-ends!" I wanted to laugh when he told me this, but i was young. Now i still laugh at it but i now understand what he meant. I would like just one. One that can give me all that i will give them. I can act cold and ignorant, but i get tired of been like that. I wasnt raised in Brooklyn, I never lived in the Projects. I never had food stamps and my family never recieved public assistance. The men in my family tote guns, but their law enforcement. My whole family lived with in one block. I was raised in a 2 parent home. No one ever went to jail or even got arrested. We had one big family, and shared one big love. I lived a shelter life under my parents supervision. So naturally im a Dolphin. And im proud of it. Im not better than anyone im not cut from very fine cloth. I would like just one. One true friend, one true love, one successful career and one family of my own so i can enjoy my one life. Is that to much to ask? I must say, My mother was right. Im mixing with too much common ghetto trash at my current job and its begining to wear on my personality and spirit. I wish to surround myself with blooming open minds. I can honestly say without a pinch of arrogance that there is absolutely nothing positive anyone at my job can teach me about life, except about how not to trust or be to kind to people. Thats very sad. When theres no more to learn, its time to move on. Im no saint, so im nobodys fool. My kindness is far from weakness. I just know when people arrent worth the fight. I really dont see it as being used or played, i see it as God allowing me to be the one to help you at that moment in time. And the favor will be returned in this life or the next. There so much more i can say or feelings i could express, but it all comes down to one. I need just one. Just one to keep my faith in the goodness of people alive.

Clean Slate

So im turning a new leaf. Cleaning closet so to speak. Theres some things i got to get off my chest. Some feelings i need to put to rest.


Im through entertain the thought of loving you. You have a wifey. She's not nearly as beautiful as me but some how I know she suits you and I have to live with that. The last time we were together will be the last time. Because truth of the matter is...I cant take being that close to you and not having all of you. Knowing you want me as bad as you do but you made your bed, and it only fits two. Sneaking around, late night creeps, our chance at love past too long ago to be regained. I cant be your love on the side, I have to carry on with my life. You know how territorial taurus can get. Just please show my request some respect. Friends is all we can be. No benefits, just laughs and old times. I will forget that we ever crossed that little red line.

I really do love you...but im not in love with you. I think maybe one day i might could be, but i cant force my life in a direction thats not truely meant for me. You really dont now how much i care about you. I would spend every free moment with you. It wouldnt be fair to you though. I know you cant be around me that much and not grow too attached. Your an awsome sexy man and you should know that I think your a catch. Sounds corny, but I think i'll just let things be. Plus the scars are too many to overlook. Forgiving but not forgot. Im so happy that were as close as we are. I thought us was over. This thing we got going on right now means the world to me. I love you so much. I think you have a life long friend in me.

You are an emotional rollercoaster. I honestly dont know what im gonna do with you. I day dream of marriage, babies and constant arguements with you. Its not all bad. I kind of like it. Thats is how i know im crazy in love with you. When I can look forward to the bad times just as much as the good times, it only reassures me that we can make it through. I love your mind, and i also have an advanced understanding of it. Thats a little scary too. I know you cant help but pull a fast one every now and then. I have a bad temper. I dont know if i can maintain unders those kind of circumstances. Knowing these things going in, makes me think if im stupid or a glutton for punishment? I dont know, but your like crack cocaine and i cant kick this 8 year addiction. I told you what I felt. You know what I need. Im over what happened before.


This is where I stand with you 3....I love you all but the book is about me. Consider my slate clean!

him, her and ME...

Yo bring some weed! I got a story to tell...

Have you ever been so angry that you feel crackin skulls is in order? Well I felt like that today. Then I just felt hurt. I was hurt because I couldn't do anything, at least not what I felt like doing. Well I could very well do what I wanted to do, which was whoop a bitch ass, but I knew it honestly wasn't worth it. A night in jail possibly, me getting dirty possibly, or a fight going terribly wrong, me killing her possibly. It wasn't worth me making my point, but I felt like I had to because a code was broken. Maybe its just me being old skool when it comes to relationships and friends, but I feel like most of the people I know grew up in the hood, and know some basic street codes. You know what I mean, the code that guide your life, “MOB”, “snitches get stiches”, “don't shit where you eat”. I know it sounds wild crazy but real talk I still follow and respect these street codes. I'm far from ghetto but grew up on these codes and still live by these codes. I'm not saying I'm down for no 187, and drive bys, but I understand. My aunts and uncles showed me the codes are almost the same as morals, they may vary based on different people but some codes are universal, even basic common sense and should not be broken. And if someone breaks a code, its a violation that must be dealt with.

HER...
I couldn't use my words, you know, reason with her, I already tried that. She said fuck you with her actions. So my only options was to take this one on the chin or tap that ass. I never been no sucker, I don't take nothing on the chin. Coming up I was always ready and willing to whoop a bitch ass if I had good reason to. Her violating a code was good reason for me. See I wanted to tap that ass because she put her fat hands in my cookie jar. Don't get it twisted, Its not about the guy. Its the principle of the matter. Code: If you know homegirl is dealing with homeboy, you fall back! Point blank. Especially if you cool with homegirl on any level. To me its a simple respect thing. Look. I frequently visit her crib, ever so often make moves with her, couple times broke bread with her. Now we not best friends or nothing, but I considered us to be a little past acquaintances. I knew her through a good friend, so I in some sense I adopted her as my friend too. (Friend being used loosely for lack of better term) But you can see the relationship picture Im trying to paint. I knew her through her so we all was cool. At least thats what I thought.

HIM...
I had a new male friend. (Friend being used loosely) Truthfully, he was my Jump off. I dealt with him for only one purpose. Grown up talk. He was cool people, we made plans for him to attend an event with me. We arrive, and introductions are made. Everything is gravy till I spy her all over him. Now feel me on this... I walked in with him. It was obvious I was dealing with him, because I never been known to keep male friends. Next thing I see is her in his face, ok with me, its probably friendly chatter. Then it turns into a cat and mouse fiasco. Her following him all over, Hard Body! So me being the woman I am. I approach her and have a brief conversation with her on her interactions with my date. Grown up talk. Of course her story was he hollered at her. I can respect that, yeah he could be a stray dog, me and him don't do deep conversations, but let me deal with him. I intended to when I leave with him. He broke the code too. Code: You don't bag her friends. Simple. Especially not when you both have a mutually beneficial understanding. Grown up talk. Other females outside her circle is fair game, but show some respect. But right them, it was me and her talking. I told her its all good, some men going to lie and cheat, but now you know the truth from me so you can fall back gracefully. You saw me come in with him and I just told you I'm dealing with him. Now wouldn't any decent female be like oh ok, my bad, I didn't know the real deal, and fuck him, let me bag another guy ( A guy that none of my homegirls is sleeping with)!? But NOOOOOO, Loose, desperate, low self esteem, jealous females that only want what another chick got, don't know any better, low class bitches, cant get there own J-O bitches will still talk to a grimy but none the less taken nigga on the low. So-called just talking is still a violation, what you talking to him for? Now tell me why I shouldn't whoop that tricks ass?
I'll tell you why...

ME...
I'm better than the both of them. I deserve better than the both of them. I'm everything she is not. I have class, morals, I respect the code and I got the looks, brains and swagger to get my fucking own! I'm definitely the best kind of female to acquire as a friend. I'm grown with not much time for children games. I'm honest, loyal to a fault, and I ride or die friends my real friends. So they can have each other. She can have whats left of him. He's a well dressed buster, with no dough to his name. To tell the Gods honest truth... the sex wasn't even all that. I don't know if my goodies is just that good or is he just young and wack. 2 strokes and he's down and out. He gets it right back, 4 more strokes and he's down for the count. I must got that Nyquil kinda stuff. (Lol.) A big dick with no talent gets zip. So thats the 411 on the nigga she won since shes such a fucking go getta! Grown up talk. Go Figure...Thats what I get for going against my my own promise just to feed my sexual appetite. I told myself some time ago that it was over. No more temporary lovers or ordinary brothers. I wanted to save myself, my time, efforts and energy for something real. Someone deserving of someone like me. And I went against my own promise and look what happened. In a moment of physical weakness I got caught up with an attractive young man who can barely speak English. (WTF) But as I was leaving my job with intentions of paying her a cold visit. I had time to think. Plus I had an unexpected encounter with a nice young man. He was my new friend. This time I move much different. Me and him are just friends with no sexual tension or motives. At least on my part, and if he's not genuine which only time will tell, I'll find out because I intend on keeping that promise I made to myself. So I learned once again, that God works in mysterious ways. By the time I hit the highway, I was thankful for my moment of clarity, and I was praying for her and him while driving home. I didn't wish ill on them, I only prayed that they both get what they deserved. It was out of my hands. I also had a new outlook on the disrespect I had just faced. I found out the hard way what she thought of her relationship with me, it simply wasn't worth her backing off one attractive man. Thats pitiful on her behalf, but to me it was a real eye opener. I'm too something..friendly, nice, trusting or what? Because I was in real shock that a young lady her age and thinking she was certain type of person, really just off her face value, would play games like that. I've always been pleasant with her, so why would she be sleezy like that to me? Any who, birds cant hide there feathers for too long. Everything happens for a reason. Lessons and blessing come in the same package. Life's a Bitch, Karma's a Mother*, and God has a sense of humor. You should be careful of the seeds you sew. Had I been an ignorant female and fought for him, not taking heed to the message hidden behind my hurt and anger. I could have regretted that. Grown up talk. She could have just taking death, stds and AIDS off my hands. Those things often do come to low class, loose, desperate black woman that like dealing with other womens man.
Peace be still...
PS: I broke a CODE too...You never bring your man( or man you dealing with) around your female friends. Simple. Especially when you don't know her like that! Follow the codes and avoid a possible problem.

Go Hard!

I cant hear the music.... but theres one song that sheds light on the way im feeling. You know "Go Hard" by Kanye n T.Pain. Yeah thats it... One line that sums it all up...
"If you could, you would get rid of me, but what you gon do when a nigga gotta go hard"

Some body once said..." you should never take a mans pride because it means nothing to you and everything to him". That got me to thinking... there are only a few things that are truely yours, and those few things are not tangible and they are valuable things that a sort of person will be rightly willing to die for. Your pride is one of them, honor, maybe a religious belief. The art of war includes many different techniques to defeat your opponent but no technique can defeat the man that is willng to die for his cause. I respect the Kamikaze warrior. I even relate and incorporate some of these principles into my daily life. To me its the same thing as saying "Go Hard". When i say im going hard im mean i intend to fight to the death for my purpose. Its a state of mind that is ruled by determination only, and relieved by results. So as i always ...heres a peak in on my life.

They dont like me....lmao, for real. They no likey me! At all. There are some that openly and out right dont like me. Then there are some that closet wise dont like me. There are some that half way dont like me...Point is they dont like me! I couldnt give a fuck less that people dont like me but what has inspired this blog is the grown men and women that take not liking me to heart. When i say grown i mean GROWN, like if they were fast asses they could be my mother or father. some of them were fast asses, and now they have kids my age. Now of course the people that fit this age bracket are in upper management positions. In short, they are a pathetic bunch that are mostlikely disatisfied with there lot in life and are looking to take out their personal disappointment and frustration due to failure on unsuspecting workers like me. Now you have your control freak... always watching and searching for any minor thing to say. Chances are this type of person has no authority under their own roof. Possibly dealing with issues of insecurity, and in some area of their life they feel opressed and at work they over compensate to convince themselve otherwise. Then you have your Uncle Tom type. This is the one that will shuck and jive his way to the top but of course never reaching it.... there goes that glass ceiling. Its extra hard to break glass in government jobs, and especially when "The Man" has meant the quota for minority bosses... 1 extra is one too many! So shuck and jive away... lol The only thing that concerns me is when ol chicken george tries to throw me under the bus to impress massa. Thats not exceptable. History should have taught one that lesson. Even after you do your dance and please massa, he'll still pass over you and promote someone else.... so why continue to shuck and jive... I know your feet got to be hurting?! But i digress.... I know they hate me... but why? Is it because I never let them see me sweat, or because i dont cower at the mention of MOC? Maybe its my confident demeanor, i dont let rank dictate my self worth. To be honest... I personally believe im much smarter and currently have a great earning potiential that they ever will reach. All you need to be a supervisor is good attendance and soft lips! LMAO but i never told them that so i still dont get why they hate me, does it show that i dont think very highly of their position? They still act like common ghetto trash so why should I?
Who cares, im having a blast just watching them die on the inside because they cant get to me, but they dont want me to GO HARD!

Love in Retrospect....

So there was Butta, Silence, Ex files, Panda, Brown Eyes, Lorenzo, The Californian, White Boy, and Mr Guyana, Refreshments, Ghost Lover and The Guru.....
Where do i begin?
So I wont say my year in the area of relationships has been a bust, but i definitely didn't get what I in some kind of way was hoping for. Close but no cigar. In fact all i came away with was a few valuable lessons in life and love. Some lessons I would say its a shame I had to learn the hard way, and some i would say I already knew the answers because I had experienced that lesson before. Overall, at this point in the year where people take time to look at their year in retrospect, i find myself feeling rather disappointed in some of the choices I've made. Maybe not disappointed but more so confused. I still don't have any regrets but Damn. When did things become so complicated...do i follow my heart or my head? Or what combination of both is productive? Or when and how much of the benefit of a doubt do you give your prospective other half? All of these matters have left me feeling some kinda way. I will say I spent a minute or two being out of character, but i cant regret what i honestly believe was justly provoked. I can be sad at the outcome, but I never been the type to dwell on things out of my control. I started off the year stratling the fence of two old flames... one light was shining bright and the other not so much, but that should have foretold the whirl wind of drama my love life would incur.

Butta.... Umm umm... he was my bottom! I grew up with him, he knew the old skool me, and there was something comforting about that. South Side Queens, jhs 226, LBF, baby hair and 54/11s me. I'm talking 1996 me, before the weaves and acrylic nails me. Its kind of like the comfort of knowing that this person rocked with you before you was a star. He was my unobtainable crush. Junior high he was the shit! 6'4 brown skin, smooth and mad fly. He didnt play no sports, he just ran with a crew that was known. He wasn't checking for me, i was his “friend”, probably because i was dealing with his brother but he knew what it was. None the less me and my girls knew he was the flyest. A few years pass, we started talking but i moved away for high school. Next thing you know its 2007 and I' with my girls doing my thing at Empire and who skates right up on me....Butta! We automatically jumped into it...we felt like us was long over due. But him knowing that I'm a certain kind of woman, and I remember him as the fly guy, he quickly disappeared from my life. About 4 months later I'm getting ready to leave for work and my door bell rings. I thought my dad had forgot something because he just left. I opened the door without looking first, the next thing I know theres a 6'4 shadow behind me. I turned around and screamed. I was so happy and yet so pissed off. I hugged and kissed him before i slapped the shit out of him. He didn't get drafted or sent to jail. He just left. No number, no call, no reason. We talked briefly. He said he wanted to get his shit right before he stepped to me on some serious shit, i had to respect his reason but not his method. That day i left for work late but i made it there on time. He paid for my parking. Long story short....He was still hustling. Doing well, but i couldn't take the life style. Waking up and my car being gone, moving stacks and watching for 5-0. The shopping was nice, but i couldn't afford to pay the cost. From dealing with his baby mama drama to taking care of him. I couldn't do it for long. Too many covert moves, I came too far to go back to being a husler wife. I didn't see a good ending for us, he wanted a baby boy from me. That may seem like a sweet thought but to me its triffling as hell. I'm no fool, and nobody's baby mama. I got out off that situation quick. The transition was easy, especailly since i was spending time with Silence. He was my first love, you might know him as the main character in my blog Parolee.

Big Mac Attack

So I got a crack head crave for a Big Mac. I go to mc donalds drive thru and to my surprise the prices have gone way up! I'm like what the fuck! A # 1 is 6.99? $7! For a medium meal! Don't Ronald know our country is starving? We in a recession and he raising prices! Hell nah I can't get with that... So I order and eat my meal. I just won't be buying mcdonalds anymore. Not that I'm cheap, I'm just not Oprah and I don't have no arab money so I got to be smart about how I spend. Now this little incident got me to thinking about what its like to be a man during this financially stressed times. Average date, even a first date, dinner and a movie for 2, right. What's that cost? Dinner say T.G.I Fridays: $70 Easily! Movie 2 adult tix: $24 approx. And a full tank of gas because u never know: $30. So to leave your house for 1 night your looking at $124! And your not even guaranteed a happy ending! Now to me I expect nothing less from a man on a date, and I'm the bitch to want extras like a rose at dinner, and a soda and milk duds at the movies! Lol. So ladies taking into account the economic state should we relax our standards of a good night? Should we compromise? Such as split the bill at dinner, on a first date? Or pick up the movies tix? Or even go as far to accept and invitation to his bachelor pad for chinese and some old movie classics!? Usher said trade places... How many of us would take on the role of a man in these times and foot the bill? Maybe this is why I think fellas are starting to do pre-date interviews.... I mean I would too! Make sure honey is worth the money... Its not a bad idea if its done tastefully. Its only light conversation to see if there's a special connection worth entertaining. Fellas this does not mean its ok to ask a girl for sex or straight up say you want to sex her during casual talks/flirting! Read "On Demand" if your not clear.

Something Like a Phenomenon

So im sittin in the student cafe minding my own biz, when I cant help but over hear a group of about 10 young brothers discuss their sexual escapades right next to me. Their conversation had some serious points, like what you should do if you get burned ( contract an std), but most of the talk was just crackin jokes and talking about sex bloopers. I couldnt help but bust out laughing when one guy started screeming "I need a medic! I need a medic! and somebody get me a fuckin cup of cold water!!!" That was his demonstration of what a guys is suppose to do if he gets burned. Really? I still dont know what the cup of cold water is suppose to do for him but ok. LMAO Althought its was over the top atleast these young guys know they have to immediately seek medical attention. After that I tried to tune out to give them some sort of privacy and finish my work. The next think that caught my ear was one guy talking about how he couldnt get it up...I had to listen to this part. All of these guys couldnt be more than 21 years old, all babies! Apparently it was a common issues that the whole group could identify with because they all broke out in personal testimonies and tips! Hot Mess! One guy i could understand because the young bird suckin him off bit the crap out his buddy, so he couldnt get it up after that, but the other guys couldnt explain their failure to launch. This one guy, call him Zack, he said he started making up lame excuses while still on top the girl. "did you hear that?, I know i heard something!" or "Damn! I cant do it with the tv on, its distracting me." Im like word, are you serious? Now Zack is a little cutie pie, I'd put him in my youth program fast! He's about 6'2, medium build, light skin and sea sick waves. Look like he play b-ball and xbox all day while listen to kanye. No facial hair. lol I hope he knows he's in his fuckin prime! So I cant see him fuckin with an unattractive girl. So why is it that he couldnt get it up... Perhaps he was just nervous to get with the girl, but thats a bullshit excuse! His boy was like "you gotta put on a porn!" Now this is where it hits home. About some time ago... I said to myself "Self, he's been chasing your fine ass for a good 3 years now, and he always holds you down, gon give some!" So like always when we finished our date he would say you coming over, i'd laugh and say take me home! Not this time! We made plans to go out about 3 days in advance and it was agreed that i was going to "spend the night". In hind sight im wondering if he thought i actually meant sleep? That night was beautiful up untill the lights went out. Dinner wonderful, double date at the movies cool, car ride home smooth. We get all kissy and touchy, he's a guru with his hands, Im working mines, he's rock, im ready, and......... NOTHING!
Can you explain what just happened? Its something like a phenomenon? Dont even go there! I already checked myself...I was fucking radiant that night! I looked like a Movie Star, a million bucks, I smelled like Channel and dammit I tasted like peaches! I know for a fact I was on point! A smooth chocolate bodied sensation in lace. Real Talk! That being said.... Now explain to me why young to grown men fail under due pressure?

In Kissing Range

Narrator: A serge of emotions, rushing of blood. Our body temperature rises. Its so hot in here, or is it just us? We been picturing this moment from the time we layed eyes. How would it start, where would it happen? Will it be as soft and right as we both imagine? Theres a sexual tention in this space, the four walls arent moving but some how im 2 inches from his face. Im looking down but i know the moment is coming. Its inevitable, we both really want it. But we wait. Its important that mentally were in the same place. Something too small, yet its a grand ole event. Places people, Places! The lights dim. Everyone is in their seat. Silence. You could hear your own heart beat. The orchestra starts to play, A classical tune, soft and fall sweet. Two actors take the stage. A man and a women, background scene, in a car parked on her street. This is Act Two. In act one they first meet, they met at a friends house, played card games and had drinks. When the party was done, they talked with each other from night till dawn on this very same street. They spoke of old times, life goals and past lovers. The conversation was whitty and slick comments coy, but the flirting was obvious. And it was also obvious that girl liked boy. A tickle lead to a nibble that lead to a lick of one single finger. She thought to herself this could be trouble if i decide to linger. Its 7am, I have to go! I'd like to see you again. AND SCENE! A week later they're in the same place, in a car parked on her street. Act two, PLACES PEOPLE, PLACES! Shes 2 inches from his face. SCENE! Narrator: I want to kiss her. I want him to kiss me. Tell me how did I end up this close to his lips please. They're in kissing range, but she speaks...she said "dont kiss me" and he doesn't... so this story will be continued in Act Three.

Charity Case

Charity...
My girl says i keep picking up charity cases.... Whats a charity case? A charity case is a man that seems to show potential but not enough for some women to work with. I disagree with her. I don't pick up charity cases, I'm just attracted to a certain type of man. I like intelligent, educated men, men that respect women and themselves; men with ambition and goals, and dreams that don't included 50 cent or Jay-z. I like men that have a career or at least one in mind. I like men that don't have children and crazy ex-girlfriends, baggage free. Men that understand the essentials of a productive life and what a decent woman needs. Now with taste like that i cant date the typical rift- raff thats constantly laying in my way as i drive these NY street daily. I just think i have an eye for diamonds in the rough. I don't track through slums looking for love, lol, i just happen to notice the camouflaged guys. I see things that other women my age don't see. I'm not dazzled by a man with mad bling but a man with a pearly white smile can definitely catch my eye. I can easily spot a dude that blends into the crowd. I know how to spot a gentleman. There usually in the shadows taking it easy, not somewhere pouring champagne on models. Lol Through my own coming of age, i can see when there's a story that might be worth knowing or a man with potential, maybe he just needs a new wardrobe. I got that. I'm not perfect so I'm not looking for perfection, just someone that complements me well. I'm so over they broke P. Diddys of the world. You know the type, flashy guys that stand out in a crowd, the ones with all the “swagg”. Not that i don't like them, it's just that many of them don't try anymore. They feel that their gods gift to women and they don't have to offer a women anything more than sex and bubble gum and she should just be happy to show him off to her girlfriends. Thats just not cutting it for me. That worked for me when i was in middle school and high school and didn't know my self- worth but I'm a young lady now, and i have matured enough to know good looks don't sustain a promising relationship. Not that being physical attractive is now irrelevant, because looks are still a factor in my decision making process, but it just doesn't make or break a deal like it did before. My standards have gone way up, an the requirements for my attention have gotten more advanced. Im not trying to date for all eternity, i eventually would like a husband and a family. I've dated the Fabuloso's and Jiggas in the past, some of those relationships were good and some not so good, but when my heart got broken it took a so-called “lame” to fix it and thats what really opened my eyes to a whole other class of men. Since then i have been further exploring this class looking for a happy median of both worlds. These overlooked men deserve a second glance. It's just like shopping at Century 21 or DSW, in these discount designer stores you dont just look on the front shelves for a bargin, but you dig and look in the cracks for a real find! You know the last pair of designer jeans that someone else tried to hide till they come back.... Yes I've made the mistake of dating a dud or two, but i have also been lucky enough to date some very interesting and classy men. I guess its a trial and error kinda thing. That is the purpose of dating right? To find out what works best for you. So right now, at this point in my life, i love “charity cases”! Last time I checked God likes charity doers so either way I'm in the black with him( a little market talk for you). Lol .... And maybe if I do enough charity work he'll reward me with a well balanced man thats right for me!

TCMN 4 Life

I cant stand females but these my bitches...I never thought i would build a bond with 3 girls that was this strong.
TCMN till we die! We got la dominicana: a vibrant young woman who likes to party like a rock star and keeps her men in rotation but shes also educated. First out the crew to get that expensive ass piece of paper Hofstra style! As a matter of fact i met her on the LIRR on the way to freshmen orientation week. This is some bull. I have to take the train to Long Island with all these bags, everyone way too busy to give me a ride, but thats ok. I got this. I stepped on the hempstead bound train and sat in the first open seat. Nervous but so excited. Finally im free. Cant wait to see my dorm room and i hope my room mate is black! I staired out the window alone with only my bags and my thoughts. Hey are you going to hofstra? she asked me. I looked up to see this slim, short haired brown skin girl. I said yup as you can see my bags. She said me too, where are you from? I said queens, what about you? She said wow me too! this is my mom and my name is Chloe. Well as fate would have it we spent the weekend stuck together. Starting water fights, pillow fights and stalking cute boys. We also spent the next 5 years as best friends even after hofstra. She introduced me to her homegirl Marita.
Marita was Miss Serious aka La Colombiana. She was the same age as me but so freaking mature. I guess its because she had to be for the sake of her daughter Mayana. Some how through Chloe; me and Marita clicked. Caramel skin, long wavy black hair and thick. She was also a party girl, very pretty and educated. But she kept her interest in men down to one complicated boy. We spent nights trying not to kill him for the bullshit he put her through. Especially since he only lived across the street from her. Marita became the voice of reason in our little group and her families brownstone became the headquarters for years of bonding we would do. We spent many nights walking from her house to our second home...Empire Skate. Down the block from Marita was Maritas homegirl Nicki. Ohh Boy Nicole.
Nicole was the drama princess. Miss tiny Jamaica. She stood at only 4ft. 11" and petitte. She was light skined, sexy, west indian, and weaved up! She was my type of girl, outgoing and down for the cause. Our birthdays happened to be only 2 days apart, so we became Taurus sistas. She was focused on her career in hotel management and as for her social life, well lets just say she had her pick of men. She just had a tendency to pick wrong but fione. We all had very different home lives but when we got together on a saturday night at empire our lives became the same. Girl we gotta get that step down. oooh did you see sexy in the wife beater, that nigga can skate...so you know what that means...we all lol.
These girls were my life, my sisters. I had found my bridesmaids. And that was so special to me because i was so close to getting married. I was the only one in a happily committed relationship. His name was Jay and he was my baby! We were all dedicated to being sucessful young women of color, while getting our party on. We were always there for each other through thick and thin. Advise without judgement. Support without doubt. And loyalty without betrayal... atleast thats what i thought!
Its my birthday and my baby done sweap me away to Georgetown to go on a shopping spree. This has to be the most romantic weekend ever, things been a little rough latey but i swear i love him soo much. Jay said Lets Go! I said baby im almost ready, let me shut the computer down and then we can leave. I dont remember login on to myspace today...so why is Chloes picture on this inbox? Wait! this is Jay's inbox, but what could Jay and Chloe have to message each other about? So i read on....... Man i could crack that bitches head wide open! How could she do this to me of all people, My bestfriend and my man? I expect shit from these niggas but you? A set up and yall other bitches cover that shit up? Wait till i leave D.C.... as soon as i get back to N.Y.C im gon air these bitches out!
Beautiful Memoir...TCMN 4 Life