Clean Slate

So im turning a new leaf. Cleaning closet so to speak. Theres some things i got to get off my chest. Some feelings i need to put to rest.


Im through entertain the thought of loving you. You have a wifey. She's not nearly as beautiful as me but some how I know she suits you and I have to live with that. The last time we were together will be the last time. Because truth of the matter is...I cant take being that close to you and not having all of you. Knowing you want me as bad as you do but you made your bed, and it only fits two. Sneaking around, late night creeps, our chance at love past too long ago to be regained. I cant be your love on the side, I have to carry on with my life. You know how territorial taurus can get. Just please show my request some respect. Friends is all we can be. No benefits, just laughs and old times. I will forget that we ever crossed that little red line.

I really do love you...but im not in love with you. I think maybe one day i might could be, but i cant force my life in a direction thats not truely meant for me. You really dont now how much i care about you. I would spend every free moment with you. It wouldnt be fair to you though. I know you cant be around me that much and not grow too attached. Your an awsome sexy man and you should know that I think your a catch. Sounds corny, but I think i'll just let things be. Plus the scars are too many to overlook. Forgiving but not forgot. Im so happy that were as close as we are. I thought us was over. This thing we got going on right now means the world to me. I love you so much. I think you have a life long friend in me.

You are an emotional rollercoaster. I honestly dont know what im gonna do with you. I day dream of marriage, babies and constant arguements with you. Its not all bad. I kind of like it. Thats is how i know im crazy in love with you. When I can look forward to the bad times just as much as the good times, it only reassures me that we can make it through. I love your mind, and i also have an advanced understanding of it. Thats a little scary too. I know you cant help but pull a fast one every now and then. I have a bad temper. I dont know if i can maintain unders those kind of circumstances. Knowing these things going in, makes me think if im stupid or a glutton for punishment? I dont know, but your like crack cocaine and i cant kick this 8 year addiction. I told you what I felt. You know what I need. Im over what happened before.


This is where I stand with you 3....I love you all but the book is about me. Consider my slate clean!

Just Beautiful and Silence

Im so done with it... im going underground. Im being very nice and its wearing me thin now. Men are stupid, just throw rocks at them. Sometimes a woman needs to know where she stands with a man. Its never smart to rush into things but its not bad to know where you are in this mans mind. This way you can avoid hurting yourself and him by accident or failure to communicate intensions. So last night was a Silent night. The night started off rough but it soon smooth out. What could have been a catastrophy was avioded by open conversation between two souls. (Random thought: I remember what its like to be in love when im with you. To tell the truth i've been a bitch to many that came after you. I feel like im your woman when im with you. I can take off my trousers and let my hair down when im next to you. Your brain is powerfull and i have respect for you, thats why when i get upset i take shit to the next level. Let me know if im wrong for still feeling this stronge, but i can disconnect if your not ready for me to be this into you. Sorry but there no inbetween. Another 8 years and i wont forgive you. This couldnt be healthy for me or for you. I never been much of a health freak so fuck it, im gonna see this through.) A simple question can have mutipul answers all of which i pre-consider. But truth be told you always know which one you hope to hear. Im well aware that your a man and will think like a man. I know your some kinda freak. Of course you want a threesome. I just didnt know you would actually be willing to have one with me. Let me explain... Having a 3way is cool, but you know im an equal opportunist so you said i could have one with you and another guy to be fair. You didnt notice that at no point and time did i say or imply that i would be willing to have one with you. Reason is... Im fine with 3way action, not really interested in it but i get the whole excitment thing behind it. I understand its really a guy thing. Cool. But most men save their wild escapades for their piece, boo, side chick or a random hoe, not their love, she usually off limits. You tripped on me just hours ago about giving away what you felt was yours. So to be clear on what i was hearing, because i was a little puzzled and on my way to upset. I hit you with my purse. It started out as a playful tap but somewhere mid swing it hit me and i was mad at you! The tap turned to a beating sponsered by Louis Vuitton. I had to be clear. "So you can actually be there and stand to watch another man pipe me?" your response.. "Yeah." that was it.... there is no circumstance you can find to make that exceptable to me. I honestly believe that when you love someone, really love that somebody, you could never voluntarily watch somebody else do the intimate things that you use to do with them. Its inhumane to me. I was mad because i could never sit there and see you be that way with Jane Doe. Under no circumstances or regulations would i ever agree to it. I love you too much to have that image tattooed in my memory.... for nothing more than the opportunity to have my turn at a 3way without smite. Selfish? I dont know. Not truely in love with me, or just not in the same way, or not on the same level? I dont know. Either way i feel alone. I felt alone since last night. I realized that im not easy, im complicated, and happy about it. My complicated layers only keep out the unworthy. I take your answer and live with it. Im not mad at you anymore!!! Im a big girl so im fine. You cant take it back or explain it away. You sat Silently only concerned with weather i was mad at you or not. You never stopped to analyze what you said back at the store or the meaning of it. Or maybe you did. I dont know. Either way it was a reality check for me. It was one of those stupid test that stupid people in love do just to find out how in love their partner is with them. The test always tells the truth. You failed. Miserably. Should you have lied... No. Because that would only mask our differences for a limited time. Its better we know more now than later. As to the sex... what you do is your decission and business. I wont ask any questions. Im done with the questions. Last night i also asked you "what about us?" you said its just Beautiful and Silence. What more is there to say.

him, her and ME...

Yo bring some weed! I got a story to tell...

Have you ever been so angry that you feel crackin skulls is in order? Well I felt like that today. Then I just felt hurt. I was hurt because I couldn't do anything, at least not what I felt like doing. Well I could very well do what I wanted to do, which was whoop a bitch ass, but I knew it honestly wasn't worth it. A night in jail possibly, me getting dirty possibly, or a fight going terribly wrong, me killing her possibly. It wasn't worth me making my point, but I felt like I had to because a code was broken. Maybe its just me being old skool when it comes to relationships and friends, but I feel like most of the people I know grew up in the hood, and know some basic street codes. You know what I mean, the code that guide your life, “MOB”, “snitches get stiches”, “don't shit where you eat”. I know it sounds wild crazy but real talk I still follow and respect these street codes. I'm far from ghetto but grew up on these codes and still live by these codes. I'm not saying I'm down for no 187, and drive bys, but I understand. My aunts and uncles showed me the codes are almost the same as morals, they may vary based on different people but some codes are universal, even basic common sense and should not be broken. And if someone breaks a code, its a violation that must be dealt with.

HER...
I couldn't use my words, you know, reason with her, I already tried that. She said fuck you with her actions. So my only options was to take this one on the chin or tap that ass. I never been no sucker, I don't take nothing on the chin. Coming up I was always ready and willing to whoop a bitch ass if I had good reason to. Her violating a code was good reason for me. See I wanted to tap that ass because she put her fat hands in my cookie jar. Don't get it twisted, Its not about the guy. Its the principle of the matter. Code: If you know homegirl is dealing with homeboy, you fall back! Point blank. Especially if you cool with homegirl on any level. To me its a simple respect thing. Look. I frequently visit her crib, ever so often make moves with her, couple times broke bread with her. Now we not best friends or nothing, but I considered us to be a little past acquaintances. I knew her through a good friend, so I in some sense I adopted her as my friend too. (Friend being used loosely for lack of better term) But you can see the relationship picture Im trying to paint. I knew her through her so we all was cool. At least thats what I thought.

HIM...
I had a new male friend. (Friend being used loosely) Truthfully, he was my Jump off. I dealt with him for only one purpose. Grown up talk. He was cool people, we made plans for him to attend an event with me. We arrive, and introductions are made. Everything is gravy till I spy her all over him. Now feel me on this... I walked in with him. It was obvious I was dealing with him, because I never been known to keep male friends. Next thing I see is her in his face, ok with me, its probably friendly chatter. Then it turns into a cat and mouse fiasco. Her following him all over, Hard Body! So me being the woman I am. I approach her and have a brief conversation with her on her interactions with my date. Grown up talk. Of course her story was he hollered at her. I can respect that, yeah he could be a stray dog, me and him don't do deep conversations, but let me deal with him. I intended to when I leave with him. He broke the code too. Code: You don't bag her friends. Simple. Especially not when you both have a mutually beneficial understanding. Grown up talk. Other females outside her circle is fair game, but show some respect. But right them, it was me and her talking. I told her its all good, some men going to lie and cheat, but now you know the truth from me so you can fall back gracefully. You saw me come in with him and I just told you I'm dealing with him. Now wouldn't any decent female be like oh ok, my bad, I didn't know the real deal, and fuck him, let me bag another guy ( A guy that none of my homegirls is sleeping with)!? But NOOOOOO, Loose, desperate, low self esteem, jealous females that only want what another chick got, don't know any better, low class bitches, cant get there own J-O bitches will still talk to a grimy but none the less taken nigga on the low. So-called just talking is still a violation, what you talking to him for? Now tell me why I shouldn't whoop that tricks ass?
I'll tell you why...

ME...
I'm better than the both of them. I deserve better than the both of them. I'm everything she is not. I have class, morals, I respect the code and I got the looks, brains and swagger to get my fucking own! I'm definitely the best kind of female to acquire as a friend. I'm grown with not much time for children games. I'm honest, loyal to a fault, and I ride or die friends my real friends. So they can have each other. She can have whats left of him. He's a well dressed buster, with no dough to his name. To tell the Gods honest truth... the sex wasn't even all that. I don't know if my goodies is just that good or is he just young and wack. 2 strokes and he's down and out. He gets it right back, 4 more strokes and he's down for the count. I must got that Nyquil kinda stuff. (Lol.) A big dick with no talent gets zip. So thats the 411 on the nigga she won since shes such a fucking go getta! Grown up talk. Go Figure...Thats what I get for going against my my own promise just to feed my sexual appetite. I told myself some time ago that it was over. No more temporary lovers or ordinary brothers. I wanted to save myself, my time, efforts and energy for something real. Someone deserving of someone like me. And I went against my own promise and look what happened. In a moment of physical weakness I got caught up with an attractive young man who can barely speak English. (WTF) But as I was leaving my job with intentions of paying her a cold visit. I had time to think. Plus I had an unexpected encounter with a nice young man. He was my new friend. This time I move much different. Me and him are just friends with no sexual tension or motives. At least on my part, and if he's not genuine which only time will tell, I'll find out because I intend on keeping that promise I made to myself. So I learned once again, that God works in mysterious ways. By the time I hit the highway, I was thankful for my moment of clarity, and I was praying for her and him while driving home. I didn't wish ill on them, I only prayed that they both get what they deserved. It was out of my hands. I also had a new outlook on the disrespect I had just faced. I found out the hard way what she thought of her relationship with me, it simply wasn't worth her backing off one attractive man. Thats pitiful on her behalf, but to me it was a real eye opener. I'm too something..friendly, nice, trusting or what? Because I was in real shock that a young lady her age and thinking she was certain type of person, really just off her face value, would play games like that. I've always been pleasant with her, so why would she be sleezy like that to me? Any who, birds cant hide there feathers for too long. Everything happens for a reason. Lessons and blessing come in the same package. Life's a Bitch, Karma's a Mother*, and God has a sense of humor. You should be careful of the seeds you sew. Had I been an ignorant female and fought for him, not taking heed to the message hidden behind my hurt and anger. I could have regretted that. Grown up talk. She could have just taking death, stds and AIDS off my hands. Those things often do come to low class, loose, desperate black woman that like dealing with other womens man.
Peace be still...
PS: I broke a CODE too...You never bring your man( or man you dealing with) around your female friends. Simple. Especially when you don't know her like that! Follow the codes and avoid a possible problem.

Go Hard!

I cant hear the music.... but theres one song that sheds light on the way im feeling. You know "Go Hard" by Kanye n T.Pain. Yeah thats it... One line that sums it all up...
"If you could, you would get rid of me, but what you gon do when a nigga gotta go hard"

Some body once said..." you should never take a mans pride because it means nothing to you and everything to him". That got me to thinking... there are only a few things that are truely yours, and those few things are not tangible and they are valuable things that a sort of person will be rightly willing to die for. Your pride is one of them, honor, maybe a religious belief. The art of war includes many different techniques to defeat your opponent but no technique can defeat the man that is willng to die for his cause. I respect the Kamikaze warrior. I even relate and incorporate some of these principles into my daily life. To me its the same thing as saying "Go Hard". When i say im going hard im mean i intend to fight to the death for my purpose. Its a state of mind that is ruled by determination only, and relieved by results. So as i always ...heres a peak in on my life.

They dont like me....lmao, for real. They no likey me! At all. There are some that openly and out right dont like me. Then there are some that closet wise dont like me. There are some that half way dont like me...Point is they dont like me! I couldnt give a fuck less that people dont like me but what has inspired this blog is the grown men and women that take not liking me to heart. When i say grown i mean GROWN, like if they were fast asses they could be my mother or father. some of them were fast asses, and now they have kids my age. Now of course the people that fit this age bracket are in upper management positions. In short, they are a pathetic bunch that are mostlikely disatisfied with there lot in life and are looking to take out their personal disappointment and frustration due to failure on unsuspecting workers like me. Now you have your control freak... always watching and searching for any minor thing to say. Chances are this type of person has no authority under their own roof. Possibly dealing with issues of insecurity, and in some area of their life they feel opressed and at work they over compensate to convince themselve otherwise. Then you have your Uncle Tom type. This is the one that will shuck and jive his way to the top but of course never reaching it.... there goes that glass ceiling. Its extra hard to break glass in government jobs, and especially when "The Man" has meant the quota for minority bosses... 1 extra is one too many! So shuck and jive away... lol The only thing that concerns me is when ol chicken george tries to throw me under the bus to impress massa. Thats not exceptable. History should have taught one that lesson. Even after you do your dance and please massa, he'll still pass over you and promote someone else.... so why continue to shuck and jive... I know your feet got to be hurting?! But i digress.... I know they hate me... but why? Is it because I never let them see me sweat, or because i dont cower at the mention of MOC? Maybe its my confident demeanor, i dont let rank dictate my self worth. To be honest... I personally believe im much smarter and currently have a great earning potiential that they ever will reach. All you need to be a supervisor is good attendance and soft lips! LMAO but i never told them that so i still dont get why they hate me, does it show that i dont think very highly of their position? They still act like common ghetto trash so why should I?
Who cares, im having a blast just watching them die on the inside because they cant get to me, but they dont want me to GO HARD!