Calling Card

What would it take to call you, to get your attention? My finances... shot. My education... rocky. My family.... strong but, struggling. My friends...i might have 2. My love life...lacking love. All at the same time. Oh and my car... parked. What would it take to make me fall on my knees and call on the lord? Thats not bad luck or just hard times. I was raised in the church, so i know a calling card when I see one. Things are to the point that I cant take no more, and I wont test his power. Im answering his call. It's so bad, cant drive by my church, or leave my tv on BET when i fall asleep on a saturday night because i dont want to hear or have to turn the channel from the sermon that will be on when i wake up on sunday and turn on my tv. I know its bad, but I suppose its just my time. I've seen these moments of trial in my life before. Testimony 1: I know i got into college on a prayer, because i messed up really bad my first 2 years of high school, and for me to get into a great competitive school like i did was a miracle. but i strayed away from the lord after my S.A.T's was over... it turned out i couldnt afford to keep going to my school without him.
Testimon 2: I was in a one way love realtionship with a man i couldnt leave, no matter how bad he treated me, i stayed because i loved him and wasnt strong enough to leave him. I prayed about my situation and God gave me a clear sign that i needed to separate myself. I did and never looked back. Testimony 3: I stopped going to church, i was getting mixed up in catty drama that did nothing but hurt people. I was a telemarketer at the time. I called this one ladys house on a saturday morning trying to get her to re-join the book club, she said no, but before I could hang up she started talking to me about Jesus, i didnt hang up on her, although I easily could have. I listened to what she had to say and I cried like a baby on the phone with her beacuse everything she said , i already knew. It was so strange because she talked to me like she knew me, like she was my auntie or something. She wasnt all preachy and heaven and hell like some, but she talked to me on my level and i understood her. That proved to me that I could never get away from God, I wasnt unreachable or untouchable like I thought. I remember the last time i was feeling really good and very blessed, it was almost 3 years ago. I was attending church regularly with my girlfriends and my exboyfriend. I got too comfortable in my success. I always think about my life back then. Things are always better for me when I keep God at the head of my life. I realize at this moment that he can take everything away just like that. He has let me face some difficult times since i wanted to do my own thing, but he gave me my health and kept me from putting myself under. If I wasn't precious to him he wouldn't waste his time sending me all these calling cards! So once again im going to answer his call and try my best to stay near to him. Like Donnie McCurklin says "we fall down but we get up"! Joel Olsteen says "The greatest difficulty comes right before your promise" and "Its always darkest right before the dawn". So with these words of incouragement i move on to a better me, the real me, a blessed me!

My Scene

Do you ever daydream, create romantic scenes in your mind? Ponder the what ifs and fantasize about what your life could be if you only did this or choose to do that. Maybe you should have stayed, left sooner or never started at all. Some times i wish i was the girl in the movie.

Sence from the end of "Diary of a Mad Black Women"

Orlando: What are you doing here Helen?

Helen: I gave it all up, I just want you. I just want you. Ask me again. Ask me again, i love you!

Orlando: Now how do you know that Helen?

Helen: I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than i pray for myself, and if your away for more than an hour, i cant stop thinking about you. And your smile, when you smile my world is all bright. Ask me again. I love you. Ask me agian.

Orlando: Will you marry me?

Helen: Yes Yes Yes!!!

Orlando: This woman right here wants to marry me yall, she wants to marry me!!!

The crowd claps, the choir sings.... They live happily ever after. The End.

Some people say "I dont know what to say" or "I cant put it into words" when you ask them why they love someone or what is it they're in love with. But movies always seem to say the most perfect words at the right moment. Ofcoures its because the whole thing is staged, but dont you sometimes wish your life came with a guranteed happy ending? Or atleast let you have a couple of made for cinema moments?! Moments where you shine brighter than any star, where your the envy of the world, and where you enjoy pure perfection even just for a moment. I cant wait for my next "to good to be true moment".

End of Silence

Its amazing how a man can just shit on you then move on with the rest of his life. I knew taurus people were motherfuckas but damn. This one threw me for a loop. But now im here with thoughts of my own. Violence and distruction flow through my mind. Its my pride thats hurt, not the fact that he left. I left him before, he was nothing to stress. But for him to do it to me. I feel like Denzel in Training Day...."Do you know who i am!!!?" I think this might have been his plan all along and a brillant one of revenge at that. Its devious enough for me to like and respect it. It still burns like VD! Im fucking stunning, and a wonderful catch. You dont dismiss me like that. If it wasnt for the fact that i love the lord and i cant risk ruining my life for revenge on a stinking nerd. Oh the damage i would do. Im not talking about wrecking a nigga car but fucking up a pathetic losers life. Im great at pushing buttons, but I on the daily choose to let it go and not tke it to that. I do have better things to tend to, but i'd be lying if i didnt acknowledge the urge to respond to such disreguard for my feelings. The only other option I have to console this inner fire is Silence. Silence speaks volumes. When i think about it, i really suffered no loss. I honestly didnt see a future i was content with and I was forcing myself to relive a memory. Over time my standards have grown, 4 eyed, ex-con, dead beat daddy, unemployed, homeless, bummy, snagga tooth and magga doesn't quite make me hear wedding bells. So with the solice of knowing much time wasnt wasted and many new opportunities have arrising with the closing of that door, i move on. That could have been an epic failure. Exhale! There's been one thing i've been dying to do....It woud be so insulting it might insight suicide. I dont want some loser blood on my hands, so i'll just leave it at BOOTY! :-)

Diva Troll

OMG! Im positive there's a troll living under my bed. I cant find my super sexy, get'em girl, fuck me red pumps! Im so sad. I haven't seen them in months. Also, the Dolce and Gabana colonge that i purchased as a gift for my uncle is missing. Plus! I cant find half my lot of black work socks. I have come to the conclusion that there is a troll living under my bed. A week ago a very valuable piece of machinery went missing. I flipped my mattress to find it and no luck. Of course one would say you have a resident thief or im just clumsy enough to lose my own things. All of that is reasonable to assume. I thought of that myself, but after futher examination, none of those things could be true. Thivery: No. Its only me n my dad, he wants nothing to do with my red pumps, he might like the colonge, but he would surely have no shame in saying "yeah i took it, I smell great, and what?" Daddy is something of a G. He also has no use of or idea for taking my vibrator. The socks maybe but not likely, either way i dont care. Misplaced my belongings: Possible, but not likely with these particular items. The colonge, I sat it on my dresser for months. It's the only one logical place i would ever put it. The Pumps... I honestly dont know...I have so many, its hard to keep track of all but i dont lose my babies. My trusty pocket size pleaser, I would never misplace that. I have already misplaced the men in my life, i would never lose my back up buddy. The socks, again either way i really dont care. lol. The only logical conclusion there can be, is i have a Troll living under my bed that happens to like things that smell nice and shine! Definitely female. Im guessing its a Diva Troll. Expensive taste, with a weird unexplainable need for Shoes, and something that vibrates. My pumps, smell goods, and mini rabbit. Yeah, i have a diva troll living rent free under my bed. Come to think about it, i can never seem to find my weave glue where i put it. Add earrings to the list!

Moral Delima

Karma follows guilt while guilt follows responsibility. So where does the responsiblity lay? On him or on her? Marriage ends in divorce more than 50% percent of the time. Finance and adultery. So how wrong am I? Tell tale signs say the newly weds are pretty much doomed already. No children are involved, so the sympathy bit is not relevant, and im not the one doing the pursuing. Mentally i have already committed the crime in several positions. Now all thats left are my actions to follow, if i so choose to. I can continue to exercise my self control. If a man is married yet committed to cheat, is it wrong for a single woman to take advantage of the situation? Not trying to build a bazarro relationship, but simply trying to "get hers". We know men dont think twice about these moral delima's, they simply act off of hormonal instinct. Sex isn't even related to their emotions. No guilt, no intrinsic value. Just sex. However, women are mostly emotional and some of us extremely analitical. Our conscious will make certain of our guilt. All of that being true, there's still something to be said for the man that is so appealing he takes your breath away. I want him in the worst way. But like Kelly Price, our song would be "As we Lay". Sigh...

Love, Lust, Desire,and Lies.

Love, lust desires and lies which one is which? You thing u know the meaning but when you get caught up I'm a wind of confusion and questions invade your mind its hard to tell which one is which. Or was, or the position u find yourself in. All relationships end with the being of one sentence. "I thought...". That being true, its always evident in the end that u had no idea what you were getting into in the first place or dealing with. You blindly followed your emotions and not you analytical brian. Can you honestly decipher love from lust? Strong desire from lies? To find what's true you need all of these components yet if the foundation is not built on the right complex formula your relationship will fail. As do more than 50% of marriages in America. How many little white lies does it take to screw in a light bulb or keep up a relationship? Don't you have to strongly desire your other? Its what you desire in, or from your other that is key. In the beginning, there was only lust and it was good. Lust is a phaze, once satisfied it quickly fades away. It wasn't love at first sight, it was lust. Fools gold. Then when all of these things overwhelm us, we call it love. Why? Haven't we seen enough Dr .Phil, Montel and Jerry to see where mis identification gets us. Are we that desperate to accept artificial interest as genuine feelings of love? Analogy: Its just like when your at the hair salon and hustle man comes in with all his "authentic stolen goods" and everything is half off original price. Your tempted, but you know thats not how you should shop for the finer things in life. You know that some how it loses its true value and aura if you achieve those expensive shoes or bag on a come-up, and not by hard work and sweating as you make your way to Nordstroms. Plus your forever skeptical of the so called "authentic" nature of hustle mans goods. You wish you could believe that lie with all your heart, it would take some of the pressure off. (Mistake nuber one: wanting to believe the unbelievable. Lies.) Other women in the store start to look, your friends don't have the same standards as you. Now your the only one. You eventually give in with the promise of just a glance over the items offered. ( Mistake number two: Giving into your desires.) Here he comes with the smooth talk, slow but fast! The price is right. This got your name on it. Just for you, that one was the kill shot.( Lust) "I'll take it". You hand over your hard earn money for what looks like the real thing. You decide to believe the hype. (LOVE) You desired that bag, you lusted for that bag, you lied to yourself or I should say ignored your better judgement. You loved that bag. Until you got it home! Now your calm again, its just you in the house, you and your new Louis Vuitton bag. "Please God let this thing be real" it better be, because I just spent half the rent. You go into the bathroom light to examine and really scrutinize the bag one last time. Your independent, un influenced verification. If its real it would be worth every cent you paid hustle man in cash. You look at the handles to see if there pealing like the china town knock offs, nope! You look inside the bag, the lining is the right color and the paper work is in the pocket. Yes! I think I have a winner here. Stolen straight out the store as I'd hope. You hold your new baby up to the light and gleam at it with triumph and delight until you notice something not so right... Wait a minute! In the light and dark boxes on your new Damier LV bag the designer name is written, like it should be, except Louis Vuitton is spelt "Luis Vitton". Its a fake. Your emotions are now shot back to reality, you brain does this little "I told you so" number and your at a complete loss for words. You can't blame hustle man, his name is Hustle Man. You only have yourself to hold accountable. This is exactly the feeling and case when it comes to Love, lust, desire. and lies when dealing with men. When dating, aka- the careful selection of a life partner, If we are not careful to follow our brians in the begin, heed all of the rules we have come to learn via life experiences, we will continuonsly bring home fakes. If we don't stop with the ignoring of womans intuition and giving benefit of doubt, then we will be forced to analyse our mistakes in hindsight. Loser do not come with ingredient and warning labels, but they do have lose threads and clues we must set aside our emotions and use our brains to find. When they say your heartless, just say your real and not into to broken hearts. Most of the damage that is done can be avoided if we dont confuse Love, lust, desire and lies.

I Only Asked For 1

WOW! Just when i started thinking thou hath for saken me....Bam! An amazing weekend with awsome people picks me right back up again. I guess you get exactly what you ask god for. I asked him for just one and he gave me 3. After suffering a hugh emotional blow just days before "i love you day" i was devasted and and angry. Im even positive that it was some kind of miss understanding due to some thing i wrote. What was fiction and creative writing got taking for facts and real events. Pity. I some how manage to not accept but live with the harsh feelings expressed towards me. Dont know how i did, but im proud of myself for maintaining my regal stance against being outright ignorant and weak. It felt like someone i trusted kicked and beat me when i was already down and out. As my heart woud have it, i wanted to act out, set the record straight. But what did i have to prove, or what did i owe? Nothing. This time i followed my head. It was like an epiphany! If you love some one or ever did, you just dont treat or deal with them like that. Simple. Its was all so simple. So after my whirlwind. I turned to people that really did love me and really are my friends... I went to dinner with an amazing guy. He has manage to genuinly love me with my flaws and all. I love him so dearly for that. Its hard enough accepting that I am not a perfect being and its divine when someone else can except that fact about me too and still want to be in my life. So my Valentines day started off with excitement and joy. Thank you! Valentines Day it self was some how still depressing because after work, after a whole day of seeing couples take a romantic trips together, i went home to be alone. I lost count of how many wedding rings i saw on x-ray. Tear drop. When will it be my turn? I digress. So as i get home about 8:15pm. I get undressed and get in bed. Im thinking a little t.v will easy my heavy thoughts. Damn! My satellite dish is messing up again, no t.v. So I turn to my trusty laptop to dilute my thoughts of running over asshole men. Not much luck there. I get a phone call, "hey i got the tickets, are you down to go?" I almost thought of saying no, but something made me say yes. I got showered, quickly got dressed and i was off to an upscale sold out comedy show with some cool headliners. Its so funny, He may not be there when you want him, but he's always on time!!! I loved every minute of it. Even the wack ass after party, it beat being in the house. I even arrived to a long stem red rose. How sweet. Some times it only takes one. One to restore just enough faith in relationships, men, and love to keep me holding on. It took someone who i havent seen in years to pick me up when i most needed it. He didnt even know what he was doing, but thanks. We danced all night to a horrific mix of old skool hip hop, reggae and house. Next to all to pimps and playas, the dons and the divas lol. When we finally had enough of the party we left out to say goodnight and part ways. While i was driving home, for a split second i wondered what was happening at this moment on flatbush, but the thought quickly past. I got home and went straight to sleep with a smile on my face. Jump in and get out was the plan. I Showered, shaved everythang, and put on my makeup. with my legs silky smooth i intended to show them off tonight. I should have known it was gonna be a great night because i wasnt even driving. She did it up in high style. We popped a bottle to set the night off right. We got to the club late. It was early for us but late for the line that went down the block. We waited in the freezing cold as long as we could, but a few transactions later and we were inside and ready to go all in. We spent the whole night partying in the V.I.P area with Assasin and Serani. Vibes was nice, and the drinks was stronge. It was her birthay party but it was my re-introduction to the single life. I looked amazing as did all in my crew. I caught a dub or two, and went home twisted. I had the best weekend ever. I coudnt have seen it coming. A week ago my love life was a mess, mainly because of how i choose to see it and the people i choose to put in substantial positions. Im to blame for that. Over the past week i found much solitude in being silent. I choose to take what was such a negative situation and make it work for me. So far so good. I wont say im 100% out the emotional blue but im really getting there and im trusting God to see me through. My condolences for the loss of your love one, i understand. And my sympathy to undeserving men, you just lost one.

I can do it myself!

You dont have to call... I can do it myself.

Dim the lights, I turn my slow music on. Light my scented oils. Im turned on by the heat of the fire. Fresh out the shower. House heated like a tihitian hut. Tv is off, the phone is on vibrate. I close my bedroom door. I lay naked on my black silk sheets and feel the simple pleasure of my own femining touch. This hand, soft and gentle rivals the one choose to remember right now. Your hands big and strong. They caress my body all night long. Every way and place you touch is unique. Its like treasure hunting for diamonds that glow in the dark. Exciting. You tickle my ears, with you moist tongue. Your hands squeeze on me like the trigger of your gun. Accurate and precise. You know just what i like. You like to test my limits. Candle wax is tonights guest. First my stomach. A steaming hot trail leads to my center. Pain is pleasure. I shiver. You put the candle down to examine my center. Wet. Your lust leaves evidence on my clit. You suck and taste my love giving me anxiety before you enter. Wait. You have done enough for the moment. Dont want me to climax before the show begins. You kiss my neck. I've been with you before but not like this yet. Slow and untaimed, I swear i can feel you writing your name. I wont stop you because tonight its yours. My hands on your back. Holding on for dear life. My king, My ruler, Im your slave for one night. My temple is open to your desire. Like the birth mark on your shoulder. I left a love mark on your inner thigh. I return message with the digestion of your unborn child. Love is going to be made. From the back. You grip my breast. You put me to lay down on my chest for one last look at your destionation from afar. I turn over. You divide my red nail polish. Positioning your man hood between my thighs. Your first thrust is iminent. Lick my tits, hold them and suck all the way down my tummy, kiss my clit for good luck. I sit up. lick your nipples and grip your dick. The french never kissed like this. I leave a trail of spit. The look in your eyes say it all. Im stalling. I submit, how do you want me. Like this or like that? No hurry, we'll get to them all. I like to see it going in. The look from down here is amazing. Your finger stimulates my clit while your long and slow thrust massages my insides. I remember why Im made from a man. Its the universal connection. I moan. "Go deeper inside" You flip me over, pull out and put your tongue in from behing. Im so out of my league and comfortable taking a back seat. Im scratching the walls. You rush back in. This time harder but real nice. You kiss the back of my neck, this drives me wild. "i wanna cum for your daddy" You push deeper inside. I feel you hitting ceiling. I push you away, cant let you get the best of me. I climb on top and ride you nice and slow. I'll wanna see your face when i make you explode. You say Fuck that. You pick me up. Off the bed not wanting me to get a gasseg up head. Now you want to show out. Up against the wall. Face to Face. My nipples in your mouth. Milk chocolate. You suck my nipples, doing tricks with your tongue, my heart begins to race. My clit is feeling pressure. The friction from you, pressed on me. Blood rushes thru your viens. I feel yor getting harder. You fuck me faster. The candle falls on the floor. Flame is outted. I grab you around your neck and hold you tight as the love from my center escapes down your thigh. You grab my ass and bounce me up and down, your manhood pulses for me now. A surge, a groan and clutch releasing your milk before you lay me down. All hot and sweaty, its over now.

My sheets are so wett, I'll change them when i wake up... and i have to remember to get some more double A bateries so i dont have to jack the tv remote next time. 3 missed calls.

Random Thoughts...

So im sittin here in my room trying not to feel some kind of shame for rocking out to the Jonas brothers and Stevie Wonder on the Grammys, but its not working! Im loving these little boys and the blind man more than i should. lol. Otherwise im ok, now... So i had to wig the F* out at work today. Crazy but i swear this shit was called for. Same asshole sup started in on me about some minor bs. Anywho, he told on me and i aired his little ass out... felt much better afterwards so moving on! So once again im super emotional right now. Katy Perry looks like shes putting on some weight.... yeah so, I wanna cry all the fraking time now. you know why? Because my (.) is almost here.....AGAIN! I swear im like buggin out every 3 weeks. Well not exactly. The symptoms come every 3 weeks like clockwork. Tired, cranky, emotional, bloated, cramps and plain old depressed. This aint no joke. Im seriously considering getting some prescription meds to straighten my nutty ass out. I literally cant cope under these conditons. Not when they're dick heads out there that wont leave my ass alone or simply act right. Its way too much to ask that people dont get on my nerves obviously. So i need to be my own solution...Cant be mad at that honestly....DRUGS! anybody got that? Katy Perrys outfit is so cool! I wonder if they can get that in my size? She's so Alice in Wonderland. OMG! Can Kanye let Estelle get some camera time lol.
Ok. So theres build a bear. Great concept! Now cant we put the idea to something more useful? Build a man!?... I like it! Its up there with no track weaves! Hey Valentines Day is coming up.... No parade this year. Some how the way my love life sits right now, i think i best lower my hopes and expectations. Maybe its the hormones talking but i just dont have the wow factor emotions going. The stars arent lining up right. On second thought...this could work in favor of the man... you see if i have low expectations, anything done or gotten will be magnified. Then again that could back fired....After the initial shock of the action or gift, i may come back to my stush senses and be like "its nice, but WFT?" Anywho... I been thinking. I must examine myself more closely before i analyze or form an irreversible opinion of the men i deal with. Natalie Coles dress is an off the rack mess!!! smfh So in order not to burn relatonships or get into problems that could be avioded if the right footsteps are taken. Im falling back. I already know im an emotional wreck every 3 weeks so i cant depend on a man to handle me with care. Truthfully i feel its alot, unfair to ask of anyone. I believe it would take someone that really loves me to be willing to deal with my ordeals 4 weeks out the month. Buttttt! I cant deny that thats what i want and truely feel i deserve. So heres the compromise! I will not judge or take anything away from a man who cant do that. I however will be committed to myself and cause of not settling. I think it sounds fair, probably should have realized this along time ago. I was too busy chasing shadows. Queen Latifa Looks amazing! MIA: NO THIS BITCH IS NOT 10 MONTHS PREGNANT and proforming Swagga like us!!! Unbelievable...but i understand... baby on the way gotta stack that paper... I just hope the baby dont fall out! Oh yeah! and the outfit is see thru!!! smh... T.Pain looks like Oscar the Grouch. I want some Loubinton pumps so i can put my cape on and stunt on these bitches one mo gin.
I did dinner for 1 last night...Sat night. It wasnt so bad. I didnt do too much. Alittle Rasta pasta... I had on uggs and such, cute. Dont you know had to beat them off with a stick! One fool even hit me with "Ma, I know I know you, whats your name?" really homie? worddd? thats all you got? We in a recession but G is free. I must admit, the shallow attention negated the lonesome meal. Im not a complete loser...I ordered my pasta to go. For all they knew i had a man at home that wanted to keep me in and only allowed me to leave out for our food. Spotlight. last thing on my mind....Ladies, you ever get frazzled when your boo dont call? what exactly does that feeling mean? That was retorical, we all know the answer. I got to wondering why it is that we have pick n choose standards. That is standards that vary based on how much we like the guy. EX: If he's fione... No job, no car, smokes plus I'll wait till he dumps his girl like he said he would. If he's ok... He needs to have a job and dress very well. If he's not the most physically attractive.... He must have a job, car, dresses fly, his own place and his running shoes on because he will still have to chase you down, despite all he has to offer. Our rules apply to some but not all. He dont call, you dont care. He dont call, your thankful. He dont call, your disappointed. He dont call, you call. He dont call, your staking out his house. Some things this one gets away with, you would never put up with from another. If John tried half the things Jason got away with, John would get quickly sent to jail with out passing go or collecting $200. So should you set the bar at an even level for all? Knowing if you did, Jason would mostlikely get cut. Its always the ones you have a soft spot for that make you challenge yourself to do right by yourself. 09, Im gonna do right by me.

San Antonio

If i woke up in the morning and you were gone, i'd hate you!

98' You got stressed and went underground. 8 years. No word, no kite! If you did it again, i promise i will forget you so fast. There will but no turning back. Not easy to do but missions motivated by pain work. You cant steal my sanity twice. That would be so fucked up, and i cant let that happen. I was young back then. A few years to get right, i had the time to spare. So i forgave you. Im not old, but i have no time to waste. You can say im quite seasoned for a 25 year old. Theres even a hint of bitter left in my mouth. I wont waste time knocking down something like the Berlin wall just to have you up and go else where. I believe in self preservation, physical and mental survival. I know its hell out here, but word? Thought being on crack was like a short trip to heaven. I know sometimes a man has got to do what he must, but if you think for one second i wont show out, your wrong. Then again, i've seen your back before so why should i cry? Maybe because im actually trying to put my faith in you. It's shit like this that keeps me unbalanced. Cant lie and say i dont think about giving up, but i also believe things worth having are worth fighting for. I dont know what to do but a disapearing act is not you healthiest chioce. Nevermind the threats. I guess what im trying to say is if you were to go.... it wont kill me literally, but emotionally, thats close enough.

You were a Season.

I been thinking about you alot lately. Seems to me i cant define what love is or should feel like with out considering you. I hope your doing well. I wish i wasnt so stubborn. If i was a different woman, i would call you and tell you that i didnt give you all the credit you deserved. I owe you alot of my sanity. Current trying times in love makes it easy for me to see all the good you did. You are the standard for my man. You did more than your fair share. Thank you. You were the best man. I havent felt real, true, pure unadulturated love since we split. I have come close with one from my past, but its not exactly the same. I must say, outside of my issues with your female friends, I trusted you with my life. I would have honestly followed you into hell and back, knowing that with you, i would have never got burned! You did complete me, for the time that was.... I still dont know exactly what happened, the arguements are all a blur to me now. Im starting to think that we had to split because i didnt deserve you or couldnt handle all you had to offer me. Maybe God placed you in my life to fix what had been badly broken by another. But once i was off my crutches he had to take you away. He knew i wasnt quite ready. I still have so many questions. I think he felt the same about you too. You were very in experienced in some areas of life, but an expert and human repair. Once your task was done, you had to move on, but no exit is as smooth as an entry. Thats a wonderful gift. Anywho... Just wanted to say thank you and i miss you much. The drama and questions about love i have now, i didnt have with you. I do still think the break up was for the best, but our time together means the world to me and you should know that. I had a bad dream that you got someone else pregnant...I was so jelous it wasnt me. I wish you all the best and sorry for the drama I started with you at xmas, it was really just a bad joke. I didnt think you would take it so seriously. Just because i fell out of love with you, doesnt mean i wont always love you!

God places people in your life for a reason, season, or a life time.

LOVE ALWAYS
Beautiful~

Facts and Questions

You love me. Is love enough? Can we be just friends?

You have my heart in your hands. I love you. I trust you more than anyone else. I take you into my soul. You have my best interest. Your intent is to care for me the best you can. We came through the wire. I want to be your other half. Your kisses leave traces of love on my lips. I love your hands. You do the best you can. You confide in me. I remember you when im fast asleep. You know me. You think about me and you care for me.

Can we go the distance? I had to come up with a plan that didnt include you. Your not what i thought you would be. If you let yourself go, how can you hold on to me? I have a goal and a destination for my life I intend to meet. How do you fit in and can you get with my program? I can compromise on the minor details, but i cant change who i am. I love you, or is it the old you i love? I know you love me, but do you love me now?

Im having second thoughts. Would you be just my friend? Could you be just my friend. What kind of friend would you be? Bestfriend or Kinda sorta, Ex man type friend? Does friendship reverse or erase the love we share? Would you stand by myside if i needed you to? Would you save me from harm or myself? Could we live with Just friends? Is that even an option?

One.

Im feeling so disappointed right now. Or just some kinda way. I just need one person in my life that i can believe in, count on, love and trust. Just one. I have family that gives me so much love, but is it really impossible to find one stranger in ths world that you can share your world with? Homicide is high, divorce is high, world poverty and crime is high. I plan on traveling the world at some point and hopefully sooner than later. I want to see the art, the old cities, and wittness history, but in my travels Im mostly excited to meet new people, not just new people but different people. I want to know more than just people with that New York state of mind. Im from a different place. In Barbados, its customary for you to greet a stranger. If you can make eye contact, you can say hello. I love that. Going back home is a bit of fresh air for me. I like the kind faces and the humble breezes. The sun shines on the poor like is does on the rich. The rain simply washes away your sin and you can see the world end at the feet of the distant ocean. I need to meet just one. Im not cut out for the ordinary. I need the extrodinary. I have to keep hope alive because if i dont then all hope is lost and i'll be unhappy forever. I like people and i love family. I enjoy talking with old, because they have so much wisdom to offer. Mr. Went was super old, and a little cooky but he made his point. "Its good to have friends, but not fri-ends!" I wanted to laugh when he told me this, but i was young. Now i still laugh at it but i now understand what he meant. I would like just one. One that can give me all that i will give them. I can act cold and ignorant, but i get tired of been like that. I wasnt raised in Brooklyn, I never lived in the Projects. I never had food stamps and my family never recieved public assistance. The men in my family tote guns, but their law enforcement. My whole family lived with in one block. I was raised in a 2 parent home. No one ever went to jail or even got arrested. We had one big family, and shared one big love. I lived a shelter life under my parents supervision. So naturally im a Dolphin. And im proud of it. Im not better than anyone im not cut from very fine cloth. I would like just one. One true friend, one true love, one successful career and one family of my own so i can enjoy my one life. Is that to much to ask? I must say, My mother was right. Im mixing with too much common ghetto trash at my current job and its begining to wear on my personality and spirit. I wish to surround myself with blooming open minds. I can honestly say without a pinch of arrogance that there is absolutely nothing positive anyone at my job can teach me about life, except about how not to trust or be to kind to people. Thats very sad. When theres no more to learn, its time to move on. Im no saint, so im nobodys fool. My kindness is far from weakness. I just know when people arrent worth the fight. I really dont see it as being used or played, i see it as God allowing me to be the one to help you at that moment in time. And the favor will be returned in this life or the next. There so much more i can say or feelings i could express, but it all comes down to one. I need just one. Just one to keep my faith in the goodness of people alive.

Clean Slate

So im turning a new leaf. Cleaning closet so to speak. Theres some things i got to get off my chest. Some feelings i need to put to rest.


Im through entertain the thought of loving you. You have a wifey. She's not nearly as beautiful as me but some how I know she suits you and I have to live with that. The last time we were together will be the last time. Because truth of the matter is...I cant take being that close to you and not having all of you. Knowing you want me as bad as you do but you made your bed, and it only fits two. Sneaking around, late night creeps, our chance at love past too long ago to be regained. I cant be your love on the side, I have to carry on with my life. You know how territorial taurus can get. Just please show my request some respect. Friends is all we can be. No benefits, just laughs and old times. I will forget that we ever crossed that little red line.

I really do love you...but im not in love with you. I think maybe one day i might could be, but i cant force my life in a direction thats not truely meant for me. You really dont now how much i care about you. I would spend every free moment with you. It wouldnt be fair to you though. I know you cant be around me that much and not grow too attached. Your an awsome sexy man and you should know that I think your a catch. Sounds corny, but I think i'll just let things be. Plus the scars are too many to overlook. Forgiving but not forgot. Im so happy that were as close as we are. I thought us was over. This thing we got going on right now means the world to me. I love you so much. I think you have a life long friend in me.

You are an emotional rollercoaster. I honestly dont know what im gonna do with you. I day dream of marriage, babies and constant arguements with you. Its not all bad. I kind of like it. Thats is how i know im crazy in love with you. When I can look forward to the bad times just as much as the good times, it only reassures me that we can make it through. I love your mind, and i also have an advanced understanding of it. Thats a little scary too. I know you cant help but pull a fast one every now and then. I have a bad temper. I dont know if i can maintain unders those kind of circumstances. Knowing these things going in, makes me think if im stupid or a glutton for punishment? I dont know, but your like crack cocaine and i cant kick this 8 year addiction. I told you what I felt. You know what I need. Im over what happened before.


This is where I stand with you 3....I love you all but the book is about me. Consider my slate clean!

Just Beautiful and Silence

Im so done with it... im going underground. Im being very nice and its wearing me thin now. Men are stupid, just throw rocks at them. Sometimes a woman needs to know where she stands with a man. Its never smart to rush into things but its not bad to know where you are in this mans mind. This way you can avoid hurting yourself and him by accident or failure to communicate intensions. So last night was a Silent night. The night started off rough but it soon smooth out. What could have been a catastrophy was avioded by open conversation between two souls. (Random thought: I remember what its like to be in love when im with you. To tell the truth i've been a bitch to many that came after you. I feel like im your woman when im with you. I can take off my trousers and let my hair down when im next to you. Your brain is powerfull and i have respect for you, thats why when i get upset i take shit to the next level. Let me know if im wrong for still feeling this stronge, but i can disconnect if your not ready for me to be this into you. Sorry but there no inbetween. Another 8 years and i wont forgive you. This couldnt be healthy for me or for you. I never been much of a health freak so fuck it, im gonna see this through.) A simple question can have mutipul answers all of which i pre-consider. But truth be told you always know which one you hope to hear. Im well aware that your a man and will think like a man. I know your some kinda freak. Of course you want a threesome. I just didnt know you would actually be willing to have one with me. Let me explain... Having a 3way is cool, but you know im an equal opportunist so you said i could have one with you and another guy to be fair. You didnt notice that at no point and time did i say or imply that i would be willing to have one with you. Reason is... Im fine with 3way action, not really interested in it but i get the whole excitment thing behind it. I understand its really a guy thing. Cool. But most men save their wild escapades for their piece, boo, side chick or a random hoe, not their love, she usually off limits. You tripped on me just hours ago about giving away what you felt was yours. So to be clear on what i was hearing, because i was a little puzzled and on my way to upset. I hit you with my purse. It started out as a playful tap but somewhere mid swing it hit me and i was mad at you! The tap turned to a beating sponsered by Louis Vuitton. I had to be clear. "So you can actually be there and stand to watch another man pipe me?" your response.. "Yeah." that was it.... there is no circumstance you can find to make that exceptable to me. I honestly believe that when you love someone, really love that somebody, you could never voluntarily watch somebody else do the intimate things that you use to do with them. Its inhumane to me. I was mad because i could never sit there and see you be that way with Jane Doe. Under no circumstances or regulations would i ever agree to it. I love you too much to have that image tattooed in my memory.... for nothing more than the opportunity to have my turn at a 3way without smite. Selfish? I dont know. Not truely in love with me, or just not in the same way, or not on the same level? I dont know. Either way i feel alone. I felt alone since last night. I realized that im not easy, im complicated, and happy about it. My complicated layers only keep out the unworthy. I take your answer and live with it. Im not mad at you anymore!!! Im a big girl so im fine. You cant take it back or explain it away. You sat Silently only concerned with weather i was mad at you or not. You never stopped to analyze what you said back at the store or the meaning of it. Or maybe you did. I dont know. Either way it was a reality check for me. It was one of those stupid test that stupid people in love do just to find out how in love their partner is with them. The test always tells the truth. You failed. Miserably. Should you have lied... No. Because that would only mask our differences for a limited time. Its better we know more now than later. As to the sex... what you do is your decission and business. I wont ask any questions. Im done with the questions. Last night i also asked you "what about us?" you said its just Beautiful and Silence. What more is there to say.

him, her and ME...

Yo bring some weed! I got a story to tell...

Have you ever been so angry that you feel crackin skulls is in order? Well I felt like that today. Then I just felt hurt. I was hurt because I couldn't do anything, at least not what I felt like doing. Well I could very well do what I wanted to do, which was whoop a bitch ass, but I knew it honestly wasn't worth it. A night in jail possibly, me getting dirty possibly, or a fight going terribly wrong, me killing her possibly. It wasn't worth me making my point, but I felt like I had to because a code was broken. Maybe its just me being old skool when it comes to relationships and friends, but I feel like most of the people I know grew up in the hood, and know some basic street codes. You know what I mean, the code that guide your life, “MOB”, “snitches get stiches”, “don't shit where you eat”. I know it sounds wild crazy but real talk I still follow and respect these street codes. I'm far from ghetto but grew up on these codes and still live by these codes. I'm not saying I'm down for no 187, and drive bys, but I understand. My aunts and uncles showed me the codes are almost the same as morals, they may vary based on different people but some codes are universal, even basic common sense and should not be broken. And if someone breaks a code, its a violation that must be dealt with.

HER...
I couldn't use my words, you know, reason with her, I already tried that. She said fuck you with her actions. So my only options was to take this one on the chin or tap that ass. I never been no sucker, I don't take nothing on the chin. Coming up I was always ready and willing to whoop a bitch ass if I had good reason to. Her violating a code was good reason for me. See I wanted to tap that ass because she put her fat hands in my cookie jar. Don't get it twisted, Its not about the guy. Its the principle of the matter. Code: If you know homegirl is dealing with homeboy, you fall back! Point blank. Especially if you cool with homegirl on any level. To me its a simple respect thing. Look. I frequently visit her crib, ever so often make moves with her, couple times broke bread with her. Now we not best friends or nothing, but I considered us to be a little past acquaintances. I knew her through a good friend, so I in some sense I adopted her as my friend too. (Friend being used loosely for lack of better term) But you can see the relationship picture Im trying to paint. I knew her through her so we all was cool. At least thats what I thought.

HIM...
I had a new male friend. (Friend being used loosely) Truthfully, he was my Jump off. I dealt with him for only one purpose. Grown up talk. He was cool people, we made plans for him to attend an event with me. We arrive, and introductions are made. Everything is gravy till I spy her all over him. Now feel me on this... I walked in with him. It was obvious I was dealing with him, because I never been known to keep male friends. Next thing I see is her in his face, ok with me, its probably friendly chatter. Then it turns into a cat and mouse fiasco. Her following him all over, Hard Body! So me being the woman I am. I approach her and have a brief conversation with her on her interactions with my date. Grown up talk. Of course her story was he hollered at her. I can respect that, yeah he could be a stray dog, me and him don't do deep conversations, but let me deal with him. I intended to when I leave with him. He broke the code too. Code: You don't bag her friends. Simple. Especially not when you both have a mutually beneficial understanding. Grown up talk. Other females outside her circle is fair game, but show some respect. But right them, it was me and her talking. I told her its all good, some men going to lie and cheat, but now you know the truth from me so you can fall back gracefully. You saw me come in with him and I just told you I'm dealing with him. Now wouldn't any decent female be like oh ok, my bad, I didn't know the real deal, and fuck him, let me bag another guy ( A guy that none of my homegirls is sleeping with)!? But NOOOOOO, Loose, desperate, low self esteem, jealous females that only want what another chick got, don't know any better, low class bitches, cant get there own J-O bitches will still talk to a grimy but none the less taken nigga on the low. So-called just talking is still a violation, what you talking to him for? Now tell me why I shouldn't whoop that tricks ass?
I'll tell you why...

ME...
I'm better than the both of them. I deserve better than the both of them. I'm everything she is not. I have class, morals, I respect the code and I got the looks, brains and swagger to get my fucking own! I'm definitely the best kind of female to acquire as a friend. I'm grown with not much time for children games. I'm honest, loyal to a fault, and I ride or die friends my real friends. So they can have each other. She can have whats left of him. He's a well dressed buster, with no dough to his name. To tell the Gods honest truth... the sex wasn't even all that. I don't know if my goodies is just that good or is he just young and wack. 2 strokes and he's down and out. He gets it right back, 4 more strokes and he's down for the count. I must got that Nyquil kinda stuff. (Lol.) A big dick with no talent gets zip. So thats the 411 on the nigga she won since shes such a fucking go getta! Grown up talk. Go Figure...Thats what I get for going against my my own promise just to feed my sexual appetite. I told myself some time ago that it was over. No more temporary lovers or ordinary brothers. I wanted to save myself, my time, efforts and energy for something real. Someone deserving of someone like me. And I went against my own promise and look what happened. In a moment of physical weakness I got caught up with an attractive young man who can barely speak English. (WTF) But as I was leaving my job with intentions of paying her a cold visit. I had time to think. Plus I had an unexpected encounter with a nice young man. He was my new friend. This time I move much different. Me and him are just friends with no sexual tension or motives. At least on my part, and if he's not genuine which only time will tell, I'll find out because I intend on keeping that promise I made to myself. So I learned once again, that God works in mysterious ways. By the time I hit the highway, I was thankful for my moment of clarity, and I was praying for her and him while driving home. I didn't wish ill on them, I only prayed that they both get what they deserved. It was out of my hands. I also had a new outlook on the disrespect I had just faced. I found out the hard way what she thought of her relationship with me, it simply wasn't worth her backing off one attractive man. Thats pitiful on her behalf, but to me it was a real eye opener. I'm too something..friendly, nice, trusting or what? Because I was in real shock that a young lady her age and thinking she was certain type of person, really just off her face value, would play games like that. I've always been pleasant with her, so why would she be sleezy like that to me? Any who, birds cant hide there feathers for too long. Everything happens for a reason. Lessons and blessing come in the same package. Life's a Bitch, Karma's a Mother*, and God has a sense of humor. You should be careful of the seeds you sew. Had I been an ignorant female and fought for him, not taking heed to the message hidden behind my hurt and anger. I could have regretted that. Grown up talk. She could have just taking death, stds and AIDS off my hands. Those things often do come to low class, loose, desperate black woman that like dealing with other womens man.
Peace be still...
PS: I broke a CODE too...You never bring your man( or man you dealing with) around your female friends. Simple. Especially when you don't know her like that! Follow the codes and avoid a possible problem.

Go Hard!

I cant hear the music.... but theres one song that sheds light on the way im feeling. You know "Go Hard" by Kanye n T.Pain. Yeah thats it... One line that sums it all up...
"If you could, you would get rid of me, but what you gon do when a nigga gotta go hard"

Some body once said..." you should never take a mans pride because it means nothing to you and everything to him". That got me to thinking... there are only a few things that are truely yours, and those few things are not tangible and they are valuable things that a sort of person will be rightly willing to die for. Your pride is one of them, honor, maybe a religious belief. The art of war includes many different techniques to defeat your opponent but no technique can defeat the man that is willng to die for his cause. I respect the Kamikaze warrior. I even relate and incorporate some of these principles into my daily life. To me its the same thing as saying "Go Hard". When i say im going hard im mean i intend to fight to the death for my purpose. Its a state of mind that is ruled by determination only, and relieved by results. So as i always ...heres a peak in on my life.

They dont like me....lmao, for real. They no likey me! At all. There are some that openly and out right dont like me. Then there are some that closet wise dont like me. There are some that half way dont like me...Point is they dont like me! I couldnt give a fuck less that people dont like me but what has inspired this blog is the grown men and women that take not liking me to heart. When i say grown i mean GROWN, like if they were fast asses they could be my mother or father. some of them were fast asses, and now they have kids my age. Now of course the people that fit this age bracket are in upper management positions. In short, they are a pathetic bunch that are mostlikely disatisfied with there lot in life and are looking to take out their personal disappointment and frustration due to failure on unsuspecting workers like me. Now you have your control freak... always watching and searching for any minor thing to say. Chances are this type of person has no authority under their own roof. Possibly dealing with issues of insecurity, and in some area of their life they feel opressed and at work they over compensate to convince themselve otherwise. Then you have your Uncle Tom type. This is the one that will shuck and jive his way to the top but of course never reaching it.... there goes that glass ceiling. Its extra hard to break glass in government jobs, and especially when "The Man" has meant the quota for minority bosses... 1 extra is one too many! So shuck and jive away... lol The only thing that concerns me is when ol chicken george tries to throw me under the bus to impress massa. Thats not exceptable. History should have taught one that lesson. Even after you do your dance and please massa, he'll still pass over you and promote someone else.... so why continue to shuck and jive... I know your feet got to be hurting?! But i digress.... I know they hate me... but why? Is it because I never let them see me sweat, or because i dont cower at the mention of MOC? Maybe its my confident demeanor, i dont let rank dictate my self worth. To be honest... I personally believe im much smarter and currently have a great earning potiential that they ever will reach. All you need to be a supervisor is good attendance and soft lips! LMAO but i never told them that so i still dont get why they hate me, does it show that i dont think very highly of their position? They still act like common ghetto trash so why should I?
Who cares, im having a blast just watching them die on the inside because they cant get to me, but they dont want me to GO HARD!