Love in Retrospect....

So there was Butta, Silence, Ex files, Panda, Brown Eyes, Lorenzo, The Californian, White Boy, and Mr Guyana, Refreshments, Ghost Lover and The Guru.....
Where do i begin?
So I wont say my year in the area of relationships has been a bust, but i definitely didn't get what I in some kind of way was hoping for. Close but no cigar. In fact all i came away with was a few valuable lessons in life and love. Some lessons I would say its a shame I had to learn the hard way, and some i would say I already knew the answers because I had experienced that lesson before. Overall, at this point in the year where people take time to look at their year in retrospect, i find myself feeling rather disappointed in some of the choices I've made. Maybe not disappointed but more so confused. I still don't have any regrets but Damn. When did things become so complicated...do i follow my heart or my head? Or what combination of both is productive? Or when and how much of the benefit of a doubt do you give your prospective other half? All of these matters have left me feeling some kinda way. I will say I spent a minute or two being out of character, but i cant regret what i honestly believe was justly provoked. I can be sad at the outcome, but I never been the type to dwell on things out of my control. I started off the year stratling the fence of two old flames... one light was shining bright and the other not so much, but that should have foretold the whirl wind of drama my love life would incur.

Butta.... Umm umm... he was my bottom! I grew up with him, he knew the old skool me, and there was something comforting about that. South Side Queens, jhs 226, LBF, baby hair and 54/11s me. I'm talking 1996 me, before the weaves and acrylic nails me. Its kind of like the comfort of knowing that this person rocked with you before you was a star. He was my unobtainable crush. Junior high he was the shit! 6'4 brown skin, smooth and mad fly. He didnt play no sports, he just ran with a crew that was known. He wasn't checking for me, i was his “friend”, probably because i was dealing with his brother but he knew what it was. None the less me and my girls knew he was the flyest. A few years pass, we started talking but i moved away for high school. Next thing you know its 2007 and I' with my girls doing my thing at Empire and who skates right up on me....Butta! We automatically jumped into it...we felt like us was long over due. But him knowing that I'm a certain kind of woman, and I remember him as the fly guy, he quickly disappeared from my life. About 4 months later I'm getting ready to leave for work and my door bell rings. I thought my dad had forgot something because he just left. I opened the door without looking first, the next thing I know theres a 6'4 shadow behind me. I turned around and screamed. I was so happy and yet so pissed off. I hugged and kissed him before i slapped the shit out of him. He didn't get drafted or sent to jail. He just left. No number, no call, no reason. We talked briefly. He said he wanted to get his shit right before he stepped to me on some serious shit, i had to respect his reason but not his method. That day i left for work late but i made it there on time. He paid for my parking. Long story short....He was still hustling. Doing well, but i couldn't take the life style. Waking up and my car being gone, moving stacks and watching for 5-0. The shopping was nice, but i couldn't afford to pay the cost. From dealing with his baby mama drama to taking care of him. I couldn't do it for long. Too many covert moves, I came too far to go back to being a husler wife. I didn't see a good ending for us, he wanted a baby boy from me. That may seem like a sweet thought but to me its triffling as hell. I'm no fool, and nobody's baby mama. I got out off that situation quick. The transition was easy, especailly since i was spending time with Silence. He was my first love, you might know him as the main character in my blog Parolee.

Dear Santa

I dont want for much, just a few shiny things. A new car, some new shoes and some shiny christmas bling. I really want a lace front but santa dont know what that is, so i'll settle for a check, made out to celebrity wigs! I also want some new clothes, i deserve some new digs. Just a few names Santa, Christain Louboutin, Dior, Gucci, LV and more, just add these to your list. I want snow on Christmas day, I want a puppy, and a male model that will stay. Just make sure he's straight, or him and George can go on a date. I want true friends, a few young ladies that will hold me down to the end. Boys come and go, but i really need someone to fill the bridesmaid position. I want an angel with large wings that doubles as arms and really take me in. Im not selfish Santa so i also want world peace, but that would put me out of a job so instead just send them all an Old Navy performance fleece.

Big Mac Attack

So I got a crack head crave for a Big Mac. I go to mc donalds drive thru and to my surprise the prices have gone way up! I'm like what the fuck! A # 1 is 6.99? $7! For a medium meal! Don't Ronald know our country is starving? We in a recession and he raising prices! Hell nah I can't get with that... So I order and eat my meal. I just won't be buying mcdonalds anymore. Not that I'm cheap, I'm just not Oprah and I don't have no arab money so I got to be smart about how I spend. Now this little incident got me to thinking about what its like to be a man during this financially stressed times. Average date, even a first date, dinner and a movie for 2, right. What's that cost? Dinner say T.G.I Fridays: $70 Easily! Movie 2 adult tix: $24 approx. And a full tank of gas because u never know: $30. So to leave your house for 1 night your looking at $124! And your not even guaranteed a happy ending! Now to me I expect nothing less from a man on a date, and I'm the bitch to want extras like a rose at dinner, and a soda and milk duds at the movies! Lol. So ladies taking into account the economic state should we relax our standards of a good night? Should we compromise? Such as split the bill at dinner, on a first date? Or pick up the movies tix? Or even go as far to accept and invitation to his bachelor pad for chinese and some old movie classics!? Usher said trade places... How many of us would take on the role of a man in these times and foot the bill? Maybe this is why I think fellas are starting to do pre-date interviews.... I mean I would too! Make sure honey is worth the money... Its not a bad idea if its done tastefully. Its only light conversation to see if there's a special connection worth entertaining. Fellas this does not mean its ok to ask a girl for sex or straight up say you want to sex her during casual talks/flirting! Read "On Demand" if your not clear.

Something Like a Phenomenon

So im sittin in the student cafe minding my own biz, when I cant help but over hear a group of about 10 young brothers discuss their sexual escapades right next to me. Their conversation had some serious points, like what you should do if you get burned ( contract an std), but most of the talk was just crackin jokes and talking about sex bloopers. I couldnt help but bust out laughing when one guy started screeming "I need a medic! I need a medic! and somebody get me a fuckin cup of cold water!!!" That was his demonstration of what a guys is suppose to do if he gets burned. Really? I still dont know what the cup of cold water is suppose to do for him but ok. LMAO Althought its was over the top atleast these young guys know they have to immediately seek medical attention. After that I tried to tune out to give them some sort of privacy and finish my work. The next think that caught my ear was one guy talking about how he couldnt get it up...I had to listen to this part. All of these guys couldnt be more than 21 years old, all babies! Apparently it was a common issues that the whole group could identify with because they all broke out in personal testimonies and tips! Hot Mess! One guy i could understand because the young bird suckin him off bit the crap out his buddy, so he couldnt get it up after that, but the other guys couldnt explain their failure to launch. This one guy, call him Zack, he said he started making up lame excuses while still on top the girl. "did you hear that?, I know i heard something!" or "Damn! I cant do it with the tv on, its distracting me." Im like word, are you serious? Now Zack is a little cutie pie, I'd put him in my youth program fast! He's about 6'2, medium build, light skin and sea sick waves. Look like he play b-ball and xbox all day while listen to kanye. No facial hair. lol I hope he knows he's in his fuckin prime! So I cant see him fuckin with an unattractive girl. So why is it that he couldnt get it up... Perhaps he was just nervous to get with the girl, but thats a bullshit excuse! His boy was like "you gotta put on a porn!" Now this is where it hits home. About some time ago... I said to myself "Self, he's been chasing your fine ass for a good 3 years now, and he always holds you down, gon give some!" So like always when we finished our date he would say you coming over, i'd laugh and say take me home! Not this time! We made plans to go out about 3 days in advance and it was agreed that i was going to "spend the night". In hind sight im wondering if he thought i actually meant sleep? That night was beautiful up untill the lights went out. Dinner wonderful, double date at the movies cool, car ride home smooth. We get all kissy and touchy, he's a guru with his hands, Im working mines, he's rock, im ready, and......... NOTHING!
Can you explain what just happened? Its something like a phenomenon? Dont even go there! I already checked myself...I was fucking radiant that night! I looked like a Movie Star, a million bucks, I smelled like Channel and dammit I tasted like peaches! I know for a fact I was on point! A smooth chocolate bodied sensation in lace. Real Talk! That being said.... Now explain to me why young to grown men fail under due pressure?

You Judge Me?

What is it about me? I dont bother nobody. I keep to myself. And i stop speaking to Enrique!!! So why is it that i have this hugh target on my back? I must be super fly, a real somebody or even the badest bitch! I swear im a humble being, i dont step on nobody toes. I always play the back and not the front. Im lively, fun and i talk alot but i dont ruffle any feathers. I dont play myself low or dumb my character down to please others, i just do me and stay out the way. So lets says that things are what i said...for arguement sake. Why is it that some people feel the need to play God and hand down my punishments as they see fit? Like they're holyer than thou, or in a position to judge. Last time i checked, 3 stripes doesn't make you closer to God. Does that make any sense? Not that I do bad things, but i know im nothing like a saint. I have made my share and a few other peoples share of mistakes. I recieved a pardon for all that when Jesus died on the cross! So how does that give someone the right to judge me? Ofcourse you can form your own opinion of me, disassociate yourself from me, but thats as far as it goes...any further and you OD'n! Im not a threat, and i would like to stay that way. So why they wanna pick on me? What is it about Me? I would like to know because Its highly annoying. Now the wild thing is that the action of picking on me i laugh at. Nothing anyone can do short of getting physical can seriously bother me. Its thinking that people really put alot of thought and stay up late trying to find ways to upset me. I didnt know i was worth the overtime. Im really not the one. As a child, when my mom would spank me, i forced myself to cry so she could see what she needed to see and be done. When I was a teenager, for a punishment my mom would take my private phone out of my room, so I picked up reading. I didnt care... I saw the the same people 8 hours a day at school, my convo could wait a day. lol Its not that serious! All punishment is really not that serious...its only as serious as you make it. So how pathetic and sad must you be to be obsessed with getting even? My mother always said I would be ok in any situation because I have a good spirit. Which was true. I spent many years dealing with my own demons, learning to find inner happiness and peace with myself. Now if you know like i know, when you had to fight for your peace of mind from a very early age, you fight twice as hard to keep it! So since i have this target on my back certain people take shots at me, and i see it, and i dont care at all. It takes way more energy and focus to hate someone then it takes to forget a pain in the ass. Whooptie doo! make me front load by myself, leave me on the mag, tell me to stop talking a thousand times and then put me with a bunch of people you know i dont talk to....I leave at 7:30 so its not that serious. SMH. Do what every makes you happy. Im good. Im a taurus, a.k.a. a Bull. The astrology books are true, im super stubborn. The fact that it would please you to see me stress and squirm means that i would rather eat shit and die with a smile then let you see that! I know its crazy, but I swear its true, ask any taurus! I cant help it, thats just me. I have the capability to adapt and cope with extremely stressfull situations and i know God made me that way so I have the patience and will to deal with small, petty, bad minded people like you!!! (Whoo! Sorry! i had a moment there.) Plus when things get to heavy for me to bare i take my problems to a higher authority, and im not talking about the TM!
Hate on me Hater

God Dont Like Ugly!

So my Ex Bf has always taken extremely good care of me. In sickness and in health and in Style. Recently his birthday past and I took him out for a little celebritory drink which turned into a few drinks and an all night party till 4 in the morning. I ended up crashing at his place... Nothing happened, and i sriously mean NothinG! I wouldn't lie to you...It was a major mile stone for me. He used to be like kryptonite, but now he's just an old friend from way back when. lol Prior to his birthday weekend we didnt speak for months. We probably spoke last around my birthday way back in May. He showed out for my birthday in May, gifts, cake, and breakfast in bed! I know what your thinking.... No we werent slippin n dippin back in May, but he's is still loved by my family so they let his ass in the house on my birthday. So its only right i return the love at his special time, hence the drinks and party. But now, today, this moment...its a week after his birthday and he's still calling me. Does he think were speaking again, because i was thinking that after his little celebration that things would go back to normal. I dont call you for nothing and you dont call me for nothing...everyone happy! So im sitting up in my bed and he calls me. Sounding like hell, "im sick tati, im throwing up and crapping". Word son!? Im miss nurse now!? How did one night make us that cool again? Because 2 week ago he would have been dying and still not call me! but i guess I done opened the flood gates again.... And God dont like Ugly!!! I said "What you need, im on the way!" Sigh..

Ghost Lover

So for the past year i've had a ghost lover. In and out of romantic episode with him but every moment is amazing. Its a roller coaster but what relationship isnt? Lately things have gotten very weird between us, and im debating on whether or not i need to let this go. It started off that his life was too fast paced for me to fit in, so when he want a committment i refused and said i would reconsider when he slowed up his movements. Now its a year later and im starting to feel like i might want that committment now but i just dont know if its still on the table? Im also wondering if i only want this committment since i had a run in at this same party with his ex-girl. It was obvious she knew about me by her behavior, and the way she played him extra close. I didnt sweat it, i laughed at the poor thing. I always knew of her but she was a myth untill then. I didnt trip because i know what we have together and im secure in that. I also didnt trip because i knew he's not officially mine. I turned down that option. Althought he did his best at not being disrespectful to me or her, im the type that likes to stunt on a bitch hard and i couldnt.... im not feeling that. I did have the outfit and looks locked up but if he was my man officially....i might have acted up alittle bit more. So i admit im starting to feel some kind of way behind some recent events involving him. But I dont think im alone... He has been acting out lately, like when he saw me talking to another guy in public, he rolled up on me and psted up hard! He didnt know or care who the other guys was, he made a point to claim me infront of him. So ladies you know what im thinking. If a man makes it his business to let the whole world know your dealing with him, and he gets all jelous when you talk to other guys, he must really have a jones for you! Right? So Im thinking lets stop playing games and make it official so we can make some sense around here... but he's still in that same fast life i cant stand and he feels like i never support his moves, and doesnt think were ready to take that step right now. Im confused. At this point im ready to fall way back and i told him this...he said he's going to get me pregnant....like hell he will! But I guess thats his way of saying im not going anywhere! Stay tuned....

On Demand...

Im really madd right now at the state of things. Men have completely lost all their common sense and decency. Ok, maybe not all men but a good plenty! Now i know we in a recession but theres no shortage of booty, so why are men more savage and hungrier now than they have been in the past years? I knew chivalry was a lost art but damn! At least the last 2 guys i met have not wasted a minute of time in telling me striaght out "I want to have sex with you". I guess they call themselve being decent in saying sex and not fuck. Now my taste in men hasnt changed and my standards have only gotten higher so this new boldness needs some explaining. This is completely unacceptable, just because this is the year for not playing any games doesn't mean you don't have to play the game! Get it! Now fellas if you didn't know, let me drop this bit of science on you.... A woman (key word WOMAN) knows within the first 5 minutes of talking to a man whether or not she will sleep with him... from that point on its just a matter of a man playing his cards right and waiting. The safest and quickest way to go is shutting the hell up and smiling. But some of you men feel the need to show the fuck out and what not... so you end up saying or doing something so stupid that if a woman was to overlook the bullshit she couldnt live with herself the morning after sleeping with you....so you end up getting NO love! On the flip side you got the men that have too much swagg and dont know how to act so they come directly out of face and ruining the whole vibe and all chances of an amicable hookup... For example, im sitting here like ok brown sugar is looking like whats up and i can definitely see myself wrapped up in a sweaty dark a bis with this all night problem solver, muscles check, teeth check, nice hands n feet check, and he smells like Usher. (oh boy!) So im so ready and willing, all i need is a reason ( you know the drill ladies) dinner and a movie will do and i can blame it on the alcohol later! LMAO He says "So your kitty looks real fat and can i find out?" Oh NO he didnt! He a damn fool and a disrespectful one at that. Shit! and i was looking foward to climbing that mountian. He has single handedly upset the universe with his bullshit. Guys It's ok to think it, but letting it fly boldly out your mouth? What part of the game is that? Dont mistake flirting for an invitation to be nasty, Its a major turn off and a deal breaker! If you cant flirt tastefully and discretely then you must be slow or commonly involved with a loose class of women. Ofcourse I would like to have men stick out their tongue and put on a show, but I know there is a better way of getting the info I seek than to ask! Its tacky and rude. In this mutual decision there must always be respect for each other, no matter how high the hormones flair. Its that simple. Since women know if they want to hook up with a guy in the first 5 minutes of knowing him, all he needs to do is be the prince charming she wants him to be for a limited time so that in the morning we dont feel some kinda way. There's no shortage of buddy so women shouldn't settle for a bold disrespectful one. We can cut to the chase because were dealing with grown folk biz, but fellas show some tackfulness please, it even makes you appear more attractive! After the workout we can take it anywhere from there, but atleast we got the sexual tension out the air. So if everyone follows protocal, the guy gets what he originally wanted ( no questions asked), and the woman gets want she originally wanted too (without the hoochie guilt), there's just some minor details in the middle that got to work out first, but nothing we havent been doing for generations so get over it. It has to be under the right conditions for it to be worth while. I guess the problem is that men are getting too lazy to follow the unwritten rules, and some women are actually giving up the goods on demand, which is incouraging these men to continue this ludacris behavior. Im not with it, and because of this nonsense I have had to shut a few good men down.... I do what i want on my own terms not on demand!
This mess got me feeling like there's some niggas that still own me sex!!!