Love in Retrospect....

So there was Butta, Silence, Ex files, Panda, Brown Eyes, Lorenzo, The Californian, White Boy, and Mr Guyana, Refreshments, Ghost Lover and The Guru.....
Where do i begin?
So I wont say my year in the area of relationships has been a bust, but i definitely didn't get what I in some kind of way was hoping for. Close but no cigar. In fact all i came away with was a few valuable lessons in life and love. Some lessons I would say its a shame I had to learn the hard way, and some i would say I already knew the answers because I had experienced that lesson before. Overall, at this point in the year where people take time to look at their year in retrospect, i find myself feeling rather disappointed in some of the choices I've made. Maybe not disappointed but more so confused. I still don't have any regrets but Damn. When did things become so complicated...do i follow my heart or my head? Or what combination of both is productive? Or when and how much of the benefit of a doubt do you give your prospective other half? All of these matters have left me feeling some kinda way. I will say I spent a minute or two being out of character, but i cant regret what i honestly believe was justly provoked. I can be sad at the outcome, but I never been the type to dwell on things out of my control. I started off the year stratling the fence of two old flames... one light was shining bright and the other not so much, but that should have foretold the whirl wind of drama my love life would incur.

Butta.... Umm umm... he was my bottom! I grew up with him, he knew the old skool me, and there was something comforting about that. South Side Queens, jhs 226, LBF, baby hair and 54/11s me. I'm talking 1996 me, before the weaves and acrylic nails me. Its kind of like the comfort of knowing that this person rocked with you before you was a star. He was my unobtainable crush. Junior high he was the shit! 6'4 brown skin, smooth and mad fly. He didnt play no sports, he just ran with a crew that was known. He wasn't checking for me, i was his “friend”, probably because i was dealing with his brother but he knew what it was. None the less me and my girls knew he was the flyest. A few years pass, we started talking but i moved away for high school. Next thing you know its 2007 and I' with my girls doing my thing at Empire and who skates right up on me....Butta! We automatically jumped into it...we felt like us was long over due. But him knowing that I'm a certain kind of woman, and I remember him as the fly guy, he quickly disappeared from my life. About 4 months later I'm getting ready to leave for work and my door bell rings. I thought my dad had forgot something because he just left. I opened the door without looking first, the next thing I know theres a 6'4 shadow behind me. I turned around and screamed. I was so happy and yet so pissed off. I hugged and kissed him before i slapped the shit out of him. He didn't get drafted or sent to jail. He just left. No number, no call, no reason. We talked briefly. He said he wanted to get his shit right before he stepped to me on some serious shit, i had to respect his reason but not his method. That day i left for work late but i made it there on time. He paid for my parking. Long story short....He was still hustling. Doing well, but i couldn't take the life style. Waking up and my car being gone, moving stacks and watching for 5-0. The shopping was nice, but i couldn't afford to pay the cost. From dealing with his baby mama drama to taking care of him. I couldn't do it for long. Too many covert moves, I came too far to go back to being a husler wife. I didn't see a good ending for us, he wanted a baby boy from me. That may seem like a sweet thought but to me its triffling as hell. I'm no fool, and nobody's baby mama. I got out off that situation quick. The transition was easy, especailly since i was spending time with Silence. He was my first love, you might know him as the main character in my blog Parolee.