Calling Card

What would it take to call you, to get your attention? My finances... shot. My education... rocky. My family.... strong but, struggling. My friends...i might have 2. My love life...lacking love. All at the same time. Oh and my car... parked. What would it take to make me fall on my knees and call on the lord? Thats not bad luck or just hard times. I was raised in the church, so i know a calling card when I see one. Things are to the point that I cant take no more, and I wont test his power. Im answering his call. It's so bad, cant drive by my church, or leave my tv on BET when i fall asleep on a saturday night because i dont want to hear or have to turn the channel from the sermon that will be on when i wake up on sunday and turn on my tv. I know its bad, but I suppose its just my time. I've seen these moments of trial in my life before. Testimony 1: I know i got into college on a prayer, because i messed up really bad my first 2 years of high school, and for me to get into a great competitive school like i did was a miracle. but i strayed away from the lord after my S.A.T's was over... it turned out i couldnt afford to keep going to my school without him.
Testimon 2: I was in a one way love realtionship with a man i couldnt leave, no matter how bad he treated me, i stayed because i loved him and wasnt strong enough to leave him. I prayed about my situation and God gave me a clear sign that i needed to separate myself. I did and never looked back. Testimony 3: I stopped going to church, i was getting mixed up in catty drama that did nothing but hurt people. I was a telemarketer at the time. I called this one ladys house on a saturday morning trying to get her to re-join the book club, she said no, but before I could hang up she started talking to me about Jesus, i didnt hang up on her, although I easily could have. I listened to what she had to say and I cried like a baby on the phone with her beacuse everything she said , i already knew. It was so strange because she talked to me like she knew me, like she was my auntie or something. She wasnt all preachy and heaven and hell like some, but she talked to me on my level and i understood her. That proved to me that I could never get away from God, I wasnt unreachable or untouchable like I thought. I remember the last time i was feeling really good and very blessed, it was almost 3 years ago. I was attending church regularly with my girlfriends and my exboyfriend. I got too comfortable in my success. I always think about my life back then. Things are always better for me when I keep God at the head of my life. I realize at this moment that he can take everything away just like that. He has let me face some difficult times since i wanted to do my own thing, but he gave me my health and kept me from putting myself under. If I wasn't precious to him he wouldn't waste his time sending me all these calling cards! So once again im going to answer his call and try my best to stay near to him. Like Donnie McCurklin says "we fall down but we get up"! Joel Olsteen says "The greatest difficulty comes right before your promise" and "Its always darkest right before the dawn". So with these words of incouragement i move on to a better me, the real me, a blessed me!

My Scene

Do you ever daydream, create romantic scenes in your mind? Ponder the what ifs and fantasize about what your life could be if you only did this or choose to do that. Maybe you should have stayed, left sooner or never started at all. Some times i wish i was the girl in the movie.

Sence from the end of "Diary of a Mad Black Women"

Orlando: What are you doing here Helen?

Helen: I gave it all up, I just want you. I just want you. Ask me again. Ask me again, i love you!

Orlando: Now how do you know that Helen?

Helen: I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than i pray for myself, and if your away for more than an hour, i cant stop thinking about you. And your smile, when you smile my world is all bright. Ask me again. I love you. Ask me agian.

Orlando: Will you marry me?

Helen: Yes Yes Yes!!!

Orlando: This woman right here wants to marry me yall, she wants to marry me!!!

The crowd claps, the choir sings.... They live happily ever after. The End.

Some people say "I dont know what to say" or "I cant put it into words" when you ask them why they love someone or what is it they're in love with. But movies always seem to say the most perfect words at the right moment. Ofcoures its because the whole thing is staged, but dont you sometimes wish your life came with a guranteed happy ending? Or atleast let you have a couple of made for cinema moments?! Moments where you shine brighter than any star, where your the envy of the world, and where you enjoy pure perfection even just for a moment. I cant wait for my next "to good to be true moment".

End of Silence

Its amazing how a man can just shit on you then move on with the rest of his life. I knew taurus people were motherfuckas but damn. This one threw me for a loop. But now im here with thoughts of my own. Violence and distruction flow through my mind. Its my pride thats hurt, not the fact that he left. I left him before, he was nothing to stress. But for him to do it to me. I feel like Denzel in Training Day...."Do you know who i am!!!?" I think this might have been his plan all along and a brillant one of revenge at that. Its devious enough for me to like and respect it. It still burns like VD! Im fucking stunning, and a wonderful catch. You dont dismiss me like that. If it wasnt for the fact that i love the lord and i cant risk ruining my life for revenge on a stinking nerd. Oh the damage i would do. Im not talking about wrecking a nigga car but fucking up a pathetic losers life. Im great at pushing buttons, but I on the daily choose to let it go and not tke it to that. I do have better things to tend to, but i'd be lying if i didnt acknowledge the urge to respond to such disreguard for my feelings. The only other option I have to console this inner fire is Silence. Silence speaks volumes. When i think about it, i really suffered no loss. I honestly didnt see a future i was content with and I was forcing myself to relive a memory. Over time my standards have grown, 4 eyed, ex-con, dead beat daddy, unemployed, homeless, bummy, snagga tooth and magga doesn't quite make me hear wedding bells. So with the solice of knowing much time wasnt wasted and many new opportunities have arrising with the closing of that door, i move on. That could have been an epic failure. Exhale! There's been one thing i've been dying to do....It woud be so insulting it might insight suicide. I dont want some loser blood on my hands, so i'll just leave it at BOOTY! :-)

Diva Troll

OMG! Im positive there's a troll living under my bed. I cant find my super sexy, get'em girl, fuck me red pumps! Im so sad. I haven't seen them in months. Also, the Dolce and Gabana colonge that i purchased as a gift for my uncle is missing. Plus! I cant find half my lot of black work socks. I have come to the conclusion that there is a troll living under my bed. A week ago a very valuable piece of machinery went missing. I flipped my mattress to find it and no luck. Of course one would say you have a resident thief or im just clumsy enough to lose my own things. All of that is reasonable to assume. I thought of that myself, but after futher examination, none of those things could be true. Thivery: No. Its only me n my dad, he wants nothing to do with my red pumps, he might like the colonge, but he would surely have no shame in saying "yeah i took it, I smell great, and what?" Daddy is something of a G. He also has no use of or idea for taking my vibrator. The socks maybe but not likely, either way i dont care. Misplaced my belongings: Possible, but not likely with these particular items. The colonge, I sat it on my dresser for months. It's the only one logical place i would ever put it. The Pumps... I honestly dont know...I have so many, its hard to keep track of all but i dont lose my babies. My trusty pocket size pleaser, I would never misplace that. I have already misplaced the men in my life, i would never lose my back up buddy. The socks, again either way i really dont care. lol. The only logical conclusion there can be, is i have a Troll living under my bed that happens to like things that smell nice and shine! Definitely female. Im guessing its a Diva Troll. Expensive taste, with a weird unexplainable need for Shoes, and something that vibrates. My pumps, smell goods, and mini rabbit. Yeah, i have a diva troll living rent free under my bed. Come to think about it, i can never seem to find my weave glue where i put it. Add earrings to the list!

Moral Delima

Karma follows guilt while guilt follows responsibility. So where does the responsiblity lay? On him or on her? Marriage ends in divorce more than 50% percent of the time. Finance and adultery. So how wrong am I? Tell tale signs say the newly weds are pretty much doomed already. No children are involved, so the sympathy bit is not relevant, and im not the one doing the pursuing. Mentally i have already committed the crime in several positions. Now all thats left are my actions to follow, if i so choose to. I can continue to exercise my self control. If a man is married yet committed to cheat, is it wrong for a single woman to take advantage of the situation? Not trying to build a bazarro relationship, but simply trying to "get hers". We know men dont think twice about these moral delima's, they simply act off of hormonal instinct. Sex isn't even related to their emotions. No guilt, no intrinsic value. Just sex. However, women are mostly emotional and some of us extremely analitical. Our conscious will make certain of our guilt. All of that being true, there's still something to be said for the man that is so appealing he takes your breath away. I want him in the worst way. But like Kelly Price, our song would be "As we Lay". Sigh...