Love, Lust, Desire,and Lies.

Love, lust desires and lies which one is which? You thing u know the meaning but when you get caught up I'm a wind of confusion and questions invade your mind its hard to tell which one is which. Or was, or the position u find yourself in. All relationships end with the being of one sentence. "I thought...". That being true, its always evident in the end that u had no idea what you were getting into in the first place or dealing with. You blindly followed your emotions and not you analytical brian. Can you honestly decipher love from lust? Strong desire from lies? To find what's true you need all of these components yet if the foundation is not built on the right complex formula your relationship will fail. As do more than 50% of marriages in America. How many little white lies does it take to screw in a light bulb or keep up a relationship? Don't you have to strongly desire your other? Its what you desire in, or from your other that is key. In the beginning, there was only lust and it was good. Lust is a phaze, once satisfied it quickly fades away. It wasn't love at first sight, it was lust. Fools gold. Then when all of these things overwhelm us, we call it love. Why? Haven't we seen enough Dr .Phil, Montel and Jerry to see where mis identification gets us. Are we that desperate to accept artificial interest as genuine feelings of love? Analogy: Its just like when your at the hair salon and hustle man comes in with all his "authentic stolen goods" and everything is half off original price. Your tempted, but you know thats not how you should shop for the finer things in life. You know that some how it loses its true value and aura if you achieve those expensive shoes or bag on a come-up, and not by hard work and sweating as you make your way to Nordstroms. Plus your forever skeptical of the so called "authentic" nature of hustle mans goods. You wish you could believe that lie with all your heart, it would take some of the pressure off. (Mistake nuber one: wanting to believe the unbelievable. Lies.) Other women in the store start to look, your friends don't have the same standards as you. Now your the only one. You eventually give in with the promise of just a glance over the items offered. ( Mistake number two: Giving into your desires.) Here he comes with the smooth talk, slow but fast! The price is right. This got your name on it. Just for you, that one was the kill shot.( Lust) "I'll take it". You hand over your hard earn money for what looks like the real thing. You decide to believe the hype. (LOVE) You desired that bag, you lusted for that bag, you lied to yourself or I should say ignored your better judgement. You loved that bag. Until you got it home! Now your calm again, its just you in the house, you and your new Louis Vuitton bag. "Please God let this thing be real" it better be, because I just spent half the rent. You go into the bathroom light to examine and really scrutinize the bag one last time. Your independent, un influenced verification. If its real it would be worth every cent you paid hustle man in cash. You look at the handles to see if there pealing like the china town knock offs, nope! You look inside the bag, the lining is the right color and the paper work is in the pocket. Yes! I think I have a winner here. Stolen straight out the store as I'd hope. You hold your new baby up to the light and gleam at it with triumph and delight until you notice something not so right... Wait a minute! In the light and dark boxes on your new Damier LV bag the designer name is written, like it should be, except Louis Vuitton is spelt "Luis Vitton". Its a fake. Your emotions are now shot back to reality, you brain does this little "I told you so" number and your at a complete loss for words. You can't blame hustle man, his name is Hustle Man. You only have yourself to hold accountable. This is exactly the feeling and case when it comes to Love, lust, desire. and lies when dealing with men. When dating, aka- the careful selection of a life partner, If we are not careful to follow our brians in the begin, heed all of the rules we have come to learn via life experiences, we will continuonsly bring home fakes. If we don't stop with the ignoring of womans intuition and giving benefit of doubt, then we will be forced to analyse our mistakes in hindsight. Loser do not come with ingredient and warning labels, but they do have lose threads and clues we must set aside our emotions and use our brains to find. When they say your heartless, just say your real and not into to broken hearts. Most of the damage that is done can be avoided if we dont confuse Love, lust, desire and lies.

I Only Asked For 1

WOW! Just when i started thinking thou hath for saken me....Bam! An amazing weekend with awsome people picks me right back up again. I guess you get exactly what you ask god for. I asked him for just one and he gave me 3. After suffering a hugh emotional blow just days before "i love you day" i was devasted and and angry. Im even positive that it was some kind of miss understanding due to some thing i wrote. What was fiction and creative writing got taking for facts and real events. Pity. I some how manage to not accept but live with the harsh feelings expressed towards me. Dont know how i did, but im proud of myself for maintaining my regal stance against being outright ignorant and weak. It felt like someone i trusted kicked and beat me when i was already down and out. As my heart woud have it, i wanted to act out, set the record straight. But what did i have to prove, or what did i owe? Nothing. This time i followed my head. It was like an epiphany! If you love some one or ever did, you just dont treat or deal with them like that. Simple. Its was all so simple. So after my whirlwind. I turned to people that really did love me and really are my friends... I went to dinner with an amazing guy. He has manage to genuinly love me with my flaws and all. I love him so dearly for that. Its hard enough accepting that I am not a perfect being and its divine when someone else can except that fact about me too and still want to be in my life. So my Valentines day started off with excitement and joy. Thank you! Valentines Day it self was some how still depressing because after work, after a whole day of seeing couples take a romantic trips together, i went home to be alone. I lost count of how many wedding rings i saw on x-ray. Tear drop. When will it be my turn? I digress. So as i get home about 8:15pm. I get undressed and get in bed. Im thinking a little t.v will easy my heavy thoughts. Damn! My satellite dish is messing up again, no t.v. So I turn to my trusty laptop to dilute my thoughts of running over asshole men. Not much luck there. I get a phone call, "hey i got the tickets, are you down to go?" I almost thought of saying no, but something made me say yes. I got showered, quickly got dressed and i was off to an upscale sold out comedy show with some cool headliners. Its so funny, He may not be there when you want him, but he's always on time!!! I loved every minute of it. Even the wack ass after party, it beat being in the house. I even arrived to a long stem red rose. How sweet. Some times it only takes one. One to restore just enough faith in relationships, men, and love to keep me holding on. It took someone who i havent seen in years to pick me up when i most needed it. He didnt even know what he was doing, but thanks. We danced all night to a horrific mix of old skool hip hop, reggae and house. Next to all to pimps and playas, the dons and the divas lol. When we finally had enough of the party we left out to say goodnight and part ways. While i was driving home, for a split second i wondered what was happening at this moment on flatbush, but the thought quickly past. I got home and went straight to sleep with a smile on my face. Jump in and get out was the plan. I Showered, shaved everythang, and put on my makeup. with my legs silky smooth i intended to show them off tonight. I should have known it was gonna be a great night because i wasnt even driving. She did it up in high style. We popped a bottle to set the night off right. We got to the club late. It was early for us but late for the line that went down the block. We waited in the freezing cold as long as we could, but a few transactions later and we were inside and ready to go all in. We spent the whole night partying in the V.I.P area with Assasin and Serani. Vibes was nice, and the drinks was stronge. It was her birthay party but it was my re-introduction to the single life. I looked amazing as did all in my crew. I caught a dub or two, and went home twisted. I had the best weekend ever. I coudnt have seen it coming. A week ago my love life was a mess, mainly because of how i choose to see it and the people i choose to put in substantial positions. Im to blame for that. Over the past week i found much solitude in being silent. I choose to take what was such a negative situation and make it work for me. So far so good. I wont say im 100% out the emotional blue but im really getting there and im trusting God to see me through. My condolences for the loss of your love one, i understand. And my sympathy to undeserving men, you just lost one.

I can do it myself!

You dont have to call... I can do it myself.

Dim the lights, I turn my slow music on. Light my scented oils. Im turned on by the heat of the fire. Fresh out the shower. House heated like a tihitian hut. Tv is off, the phone is on vibrate. I close my bedroom door. I lay naked on my black silk sheets and feel the simple pleasure of my own femining touch. This hand, soft and gentle rivals the one choose to remember right now. Your hands big and strong. They caress my body all night long. Every way and place you touch is unique. Its like treasure hunting for diamonds that glow in the dark. Exciting. You tickle my ears, with you moist tongue. Your hands squeeze on me like the trigger of your gun. Accurate and precise. You know just what i like. You like to test my limits. Candle wax is tonights guest. First my stomach. A steaming hot trail leads to my center. Pain is pleasure. I shiver. You put the candle down to examine my center. Wet. Your lust leaves evidence on my clit. You suck and taste my love giving me anxiety before you enter. Wait. You have done enough for the moment. Dont want me to climax before the show begins. You kiss my neck. I've been with you before but not like this yet. Slow and untaimed, I swear i can feel you writing your name. I wont stop you because tonight its yours. My hands on your back. Holding on for dear life. My king, My ruler, Im your slave for one night. My temple is open to your desire. Like the birth mark on your shoulder. I left a love mark on your inner thigh. I return message with the digestion of your unborn child. Love is going to be made. From the back. You grip my breast. You put me to lay down on my chest for one last look at your destionation from afar. I turn over. You divide my red nail polish. Positioning your man hood between my thighs. Your first thrust is iminent. Lick my tits, hold them and suck all the way down my tummy, kiss my clit for good luck. I sit up. lick your nipples and grip your dick. The french never kissed like this. I leave a trail of spit. The look in your eyes say it all. Im stalling. I submit, how do you want me. Like this or like that? No hurry, we'll get to them all. I like to see it going in. The look from down here is amazing. Your finger stimulates my clit while your long and slow thrust massages my insides. I remember why Im made from a man. Its the universal connection. I moan. "Go deeper inside" You flip me over, pull out and put your tongue in from behing. Im so out of my league and comfortable taking a back seat. Im scratching the walls. You rush back in. This time harder but real nice. You kiss the back of my neck, this drives me wild. "i wanna cum for your daddy" You push deeper inside. I feel you hitting ceiling. I push you away, cant let you get the best of me. I climb on top and ride you nice and slow. I'll wanna see your face when i make you explode. You say Fuck that. You pick me up. Off the bed not wanting me to get a gasseg up head. Now you want to show out. Up against the wall. Face to Face. My nipples in your mouth. Milk chocolate. You suck my nipples, doing tricks with your tongue, my heart begins to race. My clit is feeling pressure. The friction from you, pressed on me. Blood rushes thru your viens. I feel yor getting harder. You fuck me faster. The candle falls on the floor. Flame is outted. I grab you around your neck and hold you tight as the love from my center escapes down your thigh. You grab my ass and bounce me up and down, your manhood pulses for me now. A surge, a groan and clutch releasing your milk before you lay me down. All hot and sweaty, its over now.

My sheets are so wett, I'll change them when i wake up... and i have to remember to get some more double A bateries so i dont have to jack the tv remote next time. 3 missed calls.

Random Thoughts...

So im sittin here in my room trying not to feel some kind of shame for rocking out to the Jonas brothers and Stevie Wonder on the Grammys, but its not working! Im loving these little boys and the blind man more than i should. lol. Otherwise im ok, now... So i had to wig the F* out at work today. Crazy but i swear this shit was called for. Same asshole sup started in on me about some minor bs. Anywho, he told on me and i aired his little ass out... felt much better afterwards so moving on! So once again im super emotional right now. Katy Perry looks like shes putting on some weight.... yeah so, I wanna cry all the fraking time now. you know why? Because my (.) is almost here.....AGAIN! I swear im like buggin out every 3 weeks. Well not exactly. The symptoms come every 3 weeks like clockwork. Tired, cranky, emotional, bloated, cramps and plain old depressed. This aint no joke. Im seriously considering getting some prescription meds to straighten my nutty ass out. I literally cant cope under these conditons. Not when they're dick heads out there that wont leave my ass alone or simply act right. Its way too much to ask that people dont get on my nerves obviously. So i need to be my own solution...Cant be mad at that honestly....DRUGS! anybody got that? Katy Perrys outfit is so cool! I wonder if they can get that in my size? She's so Alice in Wonderland. OMG! Can Kanye let Estelle get some camera time lol.
Ok. So theres build a bear. Great concept! Now cant we put the idea to something more useful? Build a man!?... I like it! Its up there with no track weaves! Hey Valentines Day is coming up.... No parade this year. Some how the way my love life sits right now, i think i best lower my hopes and expectations. Maybe its the hormones talking but i just dont have the wow factor emotions going. The stars arent lining up right. On second thought...this could work in favor of the man... you see if i have low expectations, anything done or gotten will be magnified. Then again that could back fired....After the initial shock of the action or gift, i may come back to my stush senses and be like "its nice, but WFT?" Anywho... I been thinking. I must examine myself more closely before i analyze or form an irreversible opinion of the men i deal with. Natalie Coles dress is an off the rack mess!!! smfh So in order not to burn relatonships or get into problems that could be avioded if the right footsteps are taken. Im falling back. I already know im an emotional wreck every 3 weeks so i cant depend on a man to handle me with care. Truthfully i feel its alot, unfair to ask of anyone. I believe it would take someone that really loves me to be willing to deal with my ordeals 4 weeks out the month. Buttttt! I cant deny that thats what i want and truely feel i deserve. So heres the compromise! I will not judge or take anything away from a man who cant do that. I however will be committed to myself and cause of not settling. I think it sounds fair, probably should have realized this along time ago. I was too busy chasing shadows. Queen Latifa Looks amazing! MIA: NO THIS BITCH IS NOT 10 MONTHS PREGNANT and proforming Swagga like us!!! Unbelievable...but i understand... baby on the way gotta stack that paper... I just hope the baby dont fall out! Oh yeah! and the outfit is see thru!!! smh... T.Pain looks like Oscar the Grouch. I want some Loubinton pumps so i can put my cape on and stunt on these bitches one mo gin.
I did dinner for 1 last night...Sat night. It wasnt so bad. I didnt do too much. Alittle Rasta pasta... I had on uggs and such, cute. Dont you know had to beat them off with a stick! One fool even hit me with "Ma, I know I know you, whats your name?" really homie? worddd? thats all you got? We in a recession but G is free. I must admit, the shallow attention negated the lonesome meal. Im not a complete loser...I ordered my pasta to go. For all they knew i had a man at home that wanted to keep me in and only allowed me to leave out for our food. Spotlight. last thing on my mind....Ladies, you ever get frazzled when your boo dont call? what exactly does that feeling mean? That was retorical, we all know the answer. I got to wondering why it is that we have pick n choose standards. That is standards that vary based on how much we like the guy. EX: If he's fione... No job, no car, smokes plus I'll wait till he dumps his girl like he said he would. If he's ok... He needs to have a job and dress very well. If he's not the most physically attractive.... He must have a job, car, dresses fly, his own place and his running shoes on because he will still have to chase you down, despite all he has to offer. Our rules apply to some but not all. He dont call, you dont care. He dont call, your thankful. He dont call, your disappointed. He dont call, you call. He dont call, your staking out his house. Some things this one gets away with, you would never put up with from another. If John tried half the things Jason got away with, John would get quickly sent to jail with out passing go or collecting $200. So should you set the bar at an even level for all? Knowing if you did, Jason would mostlikely get cut. Its always the ones you have a soft spot for that make you challenge yourself to do right by yourself. 09, Im gonna do right by me.

San Antonio

If i woke up in the morning and you were gone, i'd hate you!

98' You got stressed and went underground. 8 years. No word, no kite! If you did it again, i promise i will forget you so fast. There will but no turning back. Not easy to do but missions motivated by pain work. You cant steal my sanity twice. That would be so fucked up, and i cant let that happen. I was young back then. A few years to get right, i had the time to spare. So i forgave you. Im not old, but i have no time to waste. You can say im quite seasoned for a 25 year old. Theres even a hint of bitter left in my mouth. I wont waste time knocking down something like the Berlin wall just to have you up and go else where. I believe in self preservation, physical and mental survival. I know its hell out here, but word? Thought being on crack was like a short trip to heaven. I know sometimes a man has got to do what he must, but if you think for one second i wont show out, your wrong. Then again, i've seen your back before so why should i cry? Maybe because im actually trying to put my faith in you. It's shit like this that keeps me unbalanced. Cant lie and say i dont think about giving up, but i also believe things worth having are worth fighting for. I dont know what to do but a disapearing act is not you healthiest chioce. Nevermind the threats. I guess what im trying to say is if you were to go.... it wont kill me literally, but emotionally, thats close enough.

You were a Season.

I been thinking about you alot lately. Seems to me i cant define what love is or should feel like with out considering you. I hope your doing well. I wish i wasnt so stubborn. If i was a different woman, i would call you and tell you that i didnt give you all the credit you deserved. I owe you alot of my sanity. Current trying times in love makes it easy for me to see all the good you did. You are the standard for my man. You did more than your fair share. Thank you. You were the best man. I havent felt real, true, pure unadulturated love since we split. I have come close with one from my past, but its not exactly the same. I must say, outside of my issues with your female friends, I trusted you with my life. I would have honestly followed you into hell and back, knowing that with you, i would have never got burned! You did complete me, for the time that was.... I still dont know exactly what happened, the arguements are all a blur to me now. Im starting to think that we had to split because i didnt deserve you or couldnt handle all you had to offer me. Maybe God placed you in my life to fix what had been badly broken by another. But once i was off my crutches he had to take you away. He knew i wasnt quite ready. I still have so many questions. I think he felt the same about you too. You were very in experienced in some areas of life, but an expert and human repair. Once your task was done, you had to move on, but no exit is as smooth as an entry. Thats a wonderful gift. Anywho... Just wanted to say thank you and i miss you much. The drama and questions about love i have now, i didnt have with you. I do still think the break up was for the best, but our time together means the world to me and you should know that. I had a bad dream that you got someone else pregnant...I was so jelous it wasnt me. I wish you all the best and sorry for the drama I started with you at xmas, it was really just a bad joke. I didnt think you would take it so seriously. Just because i fell out of love with you, doesnt mean i wont always love you!

God places people in your life for a reason, season, or a life time.

LOVE ALWAYS
Beautiful~

Facts and Questions

You love me. Is love enough? Can we be just friends?

You have my heart in your hands. I love you. I trust you more than anyone else. I take you into my soul. You have my best interest. Your intent is to care for me the best you can. We came through the wire. I want to be your other half. Your kisses leave traces of love on my lips. I love your hands. You do the best you can. You confide in me. I remember you when im fast asleep. You know me. You think about me and you care for me.

Can we go the distance? I had to come up with a plan that didnt include you. Your not what i thought you would be. If you let yourself go, how can you hold on to me? I have a goal and a destination for my life I intend to meet. How do you fit in and can you get with my program? I can compromise on the minor details, but i cant change who i am. I love you, or is it the old you i love? I know you love me, but do you love me now?

Im having second thoughts. Would you be just my friend? Could you be just my friend. What kind of friend would you be? Bestfriend or Kinda sorta, Ex man type friend? Does friendship reverse or erase the love we share? Would you stand by myside if i needed you to? Would you save me from harm or myself? Could we live with Just friends? Is that even an option?

One.

Im feeling so disappointed right now. Or just some kinda way. I just need one person in my life that i can believe in, count on, love and trust. Just one. I have family that gives me so much love, but is it really impossible to find one stranger in ths world that you can share your world with? Homicide is high, divorce is high, world poverty and crime is high. I plan on traveling the world at some point and hopefully sooner than later. I want to see the art, the old cities, and wittness history, but in my travels Im mostly excited to meet new people, not just new people but different people. I want to know more than just people with that New York state of mind. Im from a different place. In Barbados, its customary for you to greet a stranger. If you can make eye contact, you can say hello. I love that. Going back home is a bit of fresh air for me. I like the kind faces and the humble breezes. The sun shines on the poor like is does on the rich. The rain simply washes away your sin and you can see the world end at the feet of the distant ocean. I need to meet just one. Im not cut out for the ordinary. I need the extrodinary. I have to keep hope alive because if i dont then all hope is lost and i'll be unhappy forever. I like people and i love family. I enjoy talking with old, because they have so much wisdom to offer. Mr. Went was super old, and a little cooky but he made his point. "Its good to have friends, but not fri-ends!" I wanted to laugh when he told me this, but i was young. Now i still laugh at it but i now understand what he meant. I would like just one. One that can give me all that i will give them. I can act cold and ignorant, but i get tired of been like that. I wasnt raised in Brooklyn, I never lived in the Projects. I never had food stamps and my family never recieved public assistance. The men in my family tote guns, but their law enforcement. My whole family lived with in one block. I was raised in a 2 parent home. No one ever went to jail or even got arrested. We had one big family, and shared one big love. I lived a shelter life under my parents supervision. So naturally im a Dolphin. And im proud of it. Im not better than anyone im not cut from very fine cloth. I would like just one. One true friend, one true love, one successful career and one family of my own so i can enjoy my one life. Is that to much to ask? I must say, My mother was right. Im mixing with too much common ghetto trash at my current job and its begining to wear on my personality and spirit. I wish to surround myself with blooming open minds. I can honestly say without a pinch of arrogance that there is absolutely nothing positive anyone at my job can teach me about life, except about how not to trust or be to kind to people. Thats very sad. When theres no more to learn, its time to move on. Im no saint, so im nobodys fool. My kindness is far from weakness. I just know when people arrent worth the fight. I really dont see it as being used or played, i see it as God allowing me to be the one to help you at that moment in time. And the favor will be returned in this life or the next. There so much more i can say or feelings i could express, but it all comes down to one. I need just one. Just one to keep my faith in the goodness of people alive.